Our Infertility Journey

The degree of gratitude I feel is often too immense to articulate

The deep desire to have a baby, and finding out that I was unable to conceive naturally, once took over my entire life. The impact of infertility is that powerful — it has the ability to eclipse everything and alienate you from your family and friends. It made me feel like a failure and utterly powerless — like I had lost control of my life.

My struggle with infertility has fundamentally changed who I am as a person. I had grown up with a motto: If you have a goal, work hard and you can achieve it. With infertility, that sentiment no longer applied.

No matter how hard I tried, I ultimately did not have the power to make my goals a reality. That was incredibly difficult to process. There were many dark days, weeks, and even months. I never thought I would be able to recover from the pain of infertility. Yet, here I am.

My husband and I face male-factor infertility with a high DNA fragmentation index (DFI). In vitro fertilization (IVF) with ICSI was our only option at having biological children. Vince and I embarked on the IVF journey together, yet alone, and no one in our lives seemed to understand the true grief that comes with infertility.

The journey took a toll on me, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I experienced breakdowns, depression, grief, and resentment. I became an ugly person that I didn’t even recognize. I withdrew myself from those whom I loved most, especially my husband.

On our first IVF attempt, we had two embryos make it to day-5 blastocysts. We took a chance and transferred them both, and we conceived our son Mason in 2013. When Mason was one, Vince and I decided we wanted to give him a sibling. Two failed IVF cycles later, we felt defeated and exhausted.

People would say, “It’s a blessing you have Mason.” While that’s true, it didn’t alleviate the anguish I felt from the thought of my son growing up without a sibling.

However, after years of hard work, I sit in awe of my family today. I gaze into my son’s eyes and focus on enjoying every minute, including the tantrums, the witty outbursts, and every giggle. Most days, the degree of gratitude I feel is too immense to articulate.

Once Mason was old enough to start asking questions, my husband and I thought about how common our journey was, and how there was a lack of resources to help parents share that journey with their kids. Many couples experience difficulties with trying to conceive and are affected by infertility. Not every pregnancy journey is quick and easy. Alternate forms of conception have become increasingly more prevalent and make it tricky for parents to explain to their children how they came into this world.

So, we decided to write a story―using simple, light-hearted language and imagery appropriate for young children―that sticks as close to the truth as possible, rather than falling back on storks or other conception myths. It’s called Auston the Magical Egg; we hope it helps families communicate a sensitive subject, and helps children like Mason understand not only how common this journey has become, but more importantly, how special they are.

My struggle with infertility has changed me, no doubt. It has taught me to be mindful, appreciate the simple things in life that give me pleasure, and be grateful for those around me. Ultimately, it has also helped me understand grief. I may not remember every hcG beta number, every follicle count, or medical protocol, but I do remember the extreme pain and isolation that struggling to conceive caused me. This perspective allows me to be vulnerable with others, which I believe is a unique and wonderful gift. I’m grateful to have found it and to be able to give back with our children’s book.

I am passionate about advocating for infertility and helping women who feel isolated, helpless, alone, and defeated find the hope and resilience to keep going. We have the power to overcome it. We are worthy and we’ll thrive — with or without a baby.

Vince and Stephanie Macri currently live in King City, Ontario, with their miracle son, Mason.

Order their book here: Auston the Magical Egg