Porn, Dreams, and Oral Sex

Tracey’s Tip: Enthusiasm is more attractive than what society deems a “hot” or “perfect” body

International sexpert Tracey Cox and award-winning podcast host Zibby Owens have joined forces for a weekly Q&A podcast answering your anonymous sex questions.

This week, Tracey responds to questions about what to do when your husband would rather watch porn than have sex, if it’s a problem that you had a sex dream about your doorman, and if men really enjoy giving women oral sex.

Read an excerpt below and follow this link to listen to the entire episode.

Q: My husband doesn’t seem interested in having sex with me but I caught him masturbating while watching porn. I feel massively insulted. How do I deal with this?

TC: Don’t be insulted. For starters, a lot of men supplement sex with their partner with porn and it’s not a reflection of your sex life at all.

If your husband is avoiding sex, it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t love you or doesn’t find you sexually attractive. Some men opt for solo sex and think they’re doing you a favor. He might think you’re not that interested or too busy or tired, so he decides to do it himself.

Porn sex is lazy sex. Most men have a few favorite sites and a particular type of porn they know will push all the right buttons with zero effort required. Even if he’s in a relationship, there’s a certain amount of effort he needs to put in before sex is on offer.

If he’s over forty and is avoiding sex, it’s often because he’s having erection issues. A lot of men would rather never have “real” sex again to avoid the embarrassment and shame of admitting to erection or ejaculation problems.

There’s no pressure with porn sex: if he’s having erection issues or premature ejaculation, there’s no one to witness it. I don’t think women have any idea just how serious this problem is for the majority of men. It is a psychological disaster for them.

So these are some of the reasons why he’s opting for porn sex over you. What can you do about it?

Talk to him.

Choose a time when you’re getting on well, then broach the subject by saying, “I’ve noticed we’re not having sex like we used to. Can we talk about that? I miss it.”

Hopefully, this will be enough to open a gentle, calm conversation to explore why sex has stopped and how you can get it on track again.

He might get defensive — he’s probably embarrassed more than anything — but if you make it clear you’re up for an honest and open discussion about sex, that might just be what you have.

Q: I dreamt I had wild sex with the doorman of our building who is sweet but so not attractive. I’ve been unable to meet his eyes ever since. What’s that all about?

TC: We’ve all had bizarre dreams about people we have zero interest in having sex with in real life. Some say sex dreams are trying to tell us something, others say it’s just the brain firing off random images and trying to make sense of the day we’ve had.

There’s no doubt dreams reflect our waking mood or mental state. If you’re feeling stressed or anxious, your dreams will also have you tossing and turning.

There’s a logical element as well: If you’re not having sex with your partner and feeling frustrated, it’s common for sex dreams to increase (and if you’re lusting after your boyfriend’s best friend, of course, they’re going to star in your dreams because they can be nocturnal fantasies).

One thing psychotherapists and other dream interpreters do know for sure is that only the dreamer knows the true meaning of the dream, and how we react to the dream often tells us more than the dream itself. This is why dream analysis isn’t one-size-fits-all.

It sounds like you’re pretty relaxed about the dream, if a bit embarrassed by it, so I’d say it’s simply The Continuity Hypothesis at work. Good old Sigmund Freud came up with this one and it means we’re far more likely to dream about people we interact with often in real life — like the doorman to your building — than other people.

But if you did want to analyze the dream further, there are a few key things dream research does suggest: if you’re having sex with someone you’re not attracted to in real life, it can be a sign you’re still searching for your ideal lover. In our dreams, we’re not bound by whether someone is our “type,” so we’re free to explore all the options.

It can also be about what the person represents to you in real life. One dream analyst said the act of having intercourse with someone you know is about your bodies joining together in a symbolic way. Does the doorman have something you’d like for yourself? What do you admire about him? You said he’s sweet — are you worrying you haven’t been sweet to people lately?

I’m not convinced about these deeper meaning interpretations, but I do think if you’re having regular sex dreams about anyone or anything, it is a wake-up call to have a look at what’s happening in reality with your sex life.

Q: I love receiving oral sex but get waylaid thinking about what my partner is thinking while he’s doing it. Do men really enjoy giving oral sex or do they just pretend they do?

TC: I’ve been asked this so many times and a lot of it stems from worrying our genitals are unattractive. I can’t tell you how many women have said to me, “God, I don’t know how men do it. Men’s bits are out there, ours are weird-looking, like an oyster. Who would want to lick that?”

Genital shame is a real thing!

But the answer to who would want to lick that is lots of men and women. Research shows the overwhelming majority of men love giving oral sex to women and find it highly arousing. Oral sex gives intense pleasure for all genders and sexualities — and not just on the receiving end. The main turn-on of giving it is to watch your partner become aroused, so aroused hopefully they orgasm. Being able to give that much pleasure to your partner is a massive thrill.

It’s such an intimate act because our genitals are intensely private and letting someone get up close and personal with them takes courage. This is why oral sex can be the most erotic sex act of all.

Women are often the ones who shut down their partners giving them oral sex because they feel self-conscious or worry they smell or that it’s kind of “dirty” to do that. Turn off those distracting thoughts by focusing on how you’re feeling, rather than how you’re looking or what he’s thinking. And talk to your partner about it. Tell him your fears and let him reassure you of how much he loves doing it.

Listen to the episode: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6dVJpEGnn0pfag2UxGXEZR?si=wXBzgfrZS-2M9UB13TWZWA