Self-Help Books That Actually Help
Reflections on distilling fifty self-help books into one
Reading How to Be Fine by Jolenta Greenberg and Kristen Meinzer was like self-help on steroids. The central project was to read fifty books in three years and share the main lessons they had learned.
I didn’t know the full back story of their quest — it just seemed like two funny women trying to prove self-help books were a waste of time. As a self-help addict and behavior-change specialist, I was somewhat offended by this glib approach. But the introduction to the book gave me a better sense of their background. I respected the work Kristen had done with therapists to overcome her childhood traumas. I appreciated their sense of humor and their perseverance in trying out new behavior changes.
In the first part, of the book they review and recommend helpful lessons; in the second part, they describe what advice to avoid; in the third part, they focus on what they wished had been talked about more in the fifty books they read.
What follows is a short survey of the book’s highlights:
Positive Self-Talk
The approach to positive self-talk that they tested was fascinating. Even if they didn’t believe in the mantras they had chosen, they believed that simply being awash in the message had an impact. I have worked hard on positive self-talk because I have a loud, mean inner critic. The only way I have been able to adopt positive self-talk is to really believe what I am saying.
For example, my inner critic might tell me I am fat and ugly. But I could add, “Yes, and I am fit and strong.” Which I believed was true. The “yes and” schtick comes from improv comedy, where you don’t fight with another person’s position, but rather build upon it. This is important to quiet a mean voice. The more you fight, the worse it gets.
Gratitude and Contrition
This book, like many others, recommends practicing gratitude. Although science supports something called “gratitude journaling,” I struggle with this because I end up complaining about all the petty things that bother me instead. I’ve always felt inadequately grateful. So, like the authors, I began to benefit from writing thank-you letters. Not just to secondary people in my life, but to myself and my husband.
How to Be Fine also focuses on apologizing and how to give an appropriate apology. “I’m just joking” is not an apology. I’m learning how important it is to own one’s mistakes so I’ve begun apologizing to my kids if I lose my patience with them. The book also recommends occasionally asking your partner if there are any unresolved differences. I’ve since built up the courage to ask my husband. He said I had nothing to apologize for, and then he asked the same of me. Nope, he was good. Phew!
Looking Inward and Looking Outward
Like both Jolenta and Kristen, I also have benefited greatly from seeing a therapist. They suggest this was not recommended often enough in the books they had read. I think the only place where I may disagree with them is in their belief that trying to “save the world” inevitably makes you feel better. I get the premise: thinking beyond oneself is healthy.
However, in their book, Burnout, the Nagoski sisters point out that “human-giver syndrome” can be very destructive. I count myself among the afflicted — always wanting to do something impactful to make the world a better place. But this ambition hasn’t necessarily brought me peace and happiness. Sometimes I wish I could be satisfied with a smaller life. I went into public health to make a difference and quickly burned out and I know many non-profit CEOs feel the same way.
Creating a Healthy Home
Many of the books Jolenta and Kristen read dealt with home improvement. This has not been my strong suit. Coincidentally, a life coach recently encouraged me to focus on my home and assigned all of her clients homework: to create a comfortable “Hygge,” the Danish and Norwegian word for a mood of coziness and comfort with feelings of wellness and contentment as it relates to the home.
I discussed with my life coach why I had such resistance to honoring myself with a comfortable spot in my house. I told her I felt like I didn’t deserve it, or I didn’t need it. I had grown up in boarding school with no possessions, no ability to make my mark. Thus, there was some history here that informed my resistance.
Soon, I realized that the dog bed in our bedroom could be a perfect morning mediation spot. I replaced it with an armchair. Now, I can enjoy the morning sun (and the dog usually sits on my lap — it’s a win-win).
Parting Shots
Other advice from the book that totally resonated with me:
- Try new things. I tried improv, stand-up comedy, and joined Facebook to promote my business (yuck).
- Go outside. My favorite place, anyway — if I’m around trees, I literally feel my body calm down.
- Give up dieting. I learned from intuitive eating to love food again.
- Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis is not worth reading at all. It made me feel bad about myself but otherwise was totally unmemorable.
Dr. Jacqueline Kerr is a behavior-change specialist, working mom, and burnout survivor. Her inner critic is a witch who she has recently befriended. Her inner mentor is a writer.
