Should I Be Concerned if My Partner Is Still on Dating Apps?
Tracey’s Tip: You need to remember that people fall in love at different speeds
International intimacy educator Tracey Cox and award-winning podcast host Zibby Owens have joined forces for a weekly Q&A podcast answering your anonymous relationship questions.
This week, Tracey responds to a question about moving a relationship off of a dating app and figuring out when is the right time to delete your profiles.
Q: I met my partner on Tinder and, once I decided I really liked him, took myself off all the dating apps. I thought he had done the same and got a shock when I looked to see he’s still on there and was active recently. We’ve been seeing each other for a month and it’s really full-on. What does this mean and how do I deal with it?
TC: How long should you wait to delete your dating profile after you meet someone is a question that’s often asked, but the answer is tricky because it’s highly individual!!!! Take down your profile too soon and the person you’re freshly dating might think you’re pushing for commitment too soon; leave it up there too long and it suggests you’re still looking.
I asked a broad cross-section of people on Twitter when they deleted their apps and the answer ranged from ‘the minute I know this person is special’ to ‘wait at least three months’ because it takes that long to know if it’s really going to last.
You need to remember that people fall in love at different speeds. You might think you know after three dates that this person is for you but it might take them longer. It’s OK if they take longer– it doesn’t mean they won’t love you as much as you love them in the end. There’s no rush to the finish line anyway. It has only been a month, however full on it’s been.
My first question to you is this: Have you talked about if the relationship is now monogamous? I feel like you’ve assumed this and you should never assume anything!!!!!! If I had to generalize, I’d say most people delete their profile when you both agree to be monogamous. You need to have this conversation, and there is no better way to introduce it than to say, ‘Hey, I was wondering, are we now exclusive? Because I was thinking I might take down my dating profile but don’t want to jump the gun.’ In this instance, you’ve already taken yours down, so you’ll need to say, ‘…Because I’ve taken down my dating profile and was wondering if you were going to do the same.’
Try not to react if he says he might leave his up for a bit longer– just let it lead you into a conversation about what he’s looking for in a relationship, what do they see happening in this one, and if he doesn’t want what you want, well good to find out early! OBVIOUSLY, you’re not going to have this conversation three or four dates in but I think a month of ‘full on’ dating which you talk about is an acceptable period of time to ask.
What does it mean about your relationship that he hasn’t taken his profile down? If his profile was up there but he wasn’t active, I’d have said maybe nothing. He might just leave it up there and forget about it and not be bothered with the hassle of deleting his account. Women make a big deal of removing it but men often simply can’t be bothered. But he has been active which isn’t great. I would expect the checking out of other people should stop after you’ve had four or five solidly great dates. And you’ve had a month. But, even then, you’ve got to remember that some people scroll through dating apps as entertainment like social media.
I’m not sure if you can tell what ‘active’ means exactly but there is a world of difference between him aimlessly flicking through a dating site and him messaging other women. If he’s messaging other women, I would say this is a big red flag. This is why you need to spell out what he sees happening in your relationship. But even there, it could also be that he’s insecure and needs validation. If he’s punching above his weight with you and doesn’t feel good enough, he might be trying to boost his self-esteem by getting other women to give him compliments.
This is what I mean by it all being so personal!!
If it was me and I was seeing someone and thought it had legs and might become serious, I’d delete the app the minute I knew that. It’s not like it’s difficult to download it and write another profile — I’d save the witty profile bits. I wouldn’t tell them I’d done it but I think it shows that you are open to a serious relationship. If it doesn’t work out, download it again, and off you go.
That’s the simple answer, really, to your question. Ask him, ‘Why not? Why haven’t you deleted your app?’ and take it from there.
