Should I Be Jealous If My Boyfriend Is Having Sex Dreams About Others?
Tracey’s Tip: We have virtually no control over what we dream about. Dreams are just the brain sorting through random things that have happened
International sex educator Tracey Cox and award-winning podcast host Zibby Owens have joined forces for a weekly Q&A podcast answering your anonymous sex questions.
This week, Tracey responds to questions about nocturnal erections, how to jazz up the same old sex positions, and is a forced proposal something you should refuse?
Read an excerpt below and follow this link to listen to the entire episode.
Q: My wife and I are stuck in a rut when it comes to sex positions and only do it doggie style. Any suggestions for how to shake things up a bit without going into Kama Sutra-like contortions?
A: A bit of reassurance– the average couple alternate between two or three positions (usually missionary, woman on top, and doggie). There are only five basic positions anyway: those I’ve mentioned and side-by-side and facing positions while sitting and kneeling. Endless variations on them, though.
Try doing them in different places. Doggie is sexier if you’re bending her over the sofa in the lounge room rather than doing it on the bed. Also, it’s quite interesting to start in one position and finish in another. Start with a more challenging position –such as a standing position like the wheelbarrow — and then move from that quite easily by dropping to the floor in the standard doggie position where you can relax and settle into it.
Zap life into any lying position by going head to toe. You lie on your back, she faces your feet, straddles your hips, and lowers herself onto your erect penis. If you want to take it further, she extends her legs backward and lowers her torso down until her feet are next to your head and she’s lying on top of you. You’re facing one way, she’s facing the other. Facing away from each other is another quick and easy way to make any position a bit more interesting and exotic.
Pillows underneath her bottom change the feel entirely because they alter the angle of the vaginal canal. Missionary gets a refresh if you do it while she lets the top half of her hang off the bed, letting the blood rush to her head. Changing your thrusting style also changes the experience entirely.
Two easy positions that look quite impressive and feel great:
The Hook
She’s lying on her back, you’re on top. She then hooks her legs up over your shoulders to allow deep penetration, putting you completely in control. A tip to remember for this and other positions: if she crosses her ankles (in this case behind your neck), it helps to tighten the vaginal canal.
The Starfish
You both lie on the bed, heads in opposite directions. Scissor your legs, so you can penetrate, then hang onto each other’s hands for leverage. This position is perfect to achieve a grinding pressure movement, which is what the CAT (coital alignment technique) technique is based on.
Given that the in-out, in-out method of thrusting does little to keep the pressure constant on the clitoris — which is what’s needed to orgasm — the CAT technique works on the principle that instead of moving apart, you should push your hips together and maintain pressure on the clitoris as you rock back and forth. Arch your backs and move away from each other to allow deeper penetration or adjust the angle so you’re hitting the right spots.
Q: I noticed that whenever I wake up during the night, my partner has an erection. I asked him one morning if he’d had a sex dream and he looked embarrassed and said yes. I didn’t ask him what it was about but guessed by his reaction that it wasn’t about me. I know we can’t control our dreams, but it’s left me feeling angry and jealous. If I see he’s hard in the night –which he often is– it makes me paranoid. I know I’m building this up to be more than it is but how do I stop?
A: A little science lesson first: he might well be dreaming about Kim Kardashian but his nocturnal erections are far more likely to be caused by simple biology! Most men have several erections per night during the REM stage of sleep. Research shows bursts of various types of brainwaves occur during REM periods, causing your pulse and breathing to race and your eyes to zigzag, suggesting the nervous system is being aroused which could easily trigger a reflex erection.
A healthy man gets erect between 3–5 times a night and it’s a sign of good health. He’s not the only one to experience night-time arousal, by the way. By monitoring the genitals during sleep, researchers found the same kind of arousal responses –the vagina expanding and lubricating– in women as well. He just can’t see what’s going on as easily as you can.
It’s nothing to do with whether he is or isn’t getting enough sex either, before you go down that path. Sleep erections seem unaffected by the frequency, amount, or quality of sex he’s having.
Even without any emotional reassurance, the biology behind it all should be enough to calm you down. But it won’t because this is about wanting to control your partner’s fantasies– those he has while sleeping and, I suspect, awake. Several things I have to say about this:
1. Fantasies are not secret wishes. Just because he enjoys fantasizing about something doesn’t mean he wants to do that in real life. They’re generally harmless. A daydream with sex in it– that’s not so bad, surely? Cheating in your head does not equate to cheating in reality or suggest he has any desire to do so.
2. Dreams aren’t secret wishes either. We have virtually no control over what we dream and they’re generally just the brain sorting through random things that have happened.
3. You are going to drive yourself NUTS if you’re going to worry about what your partner is secretly thinking, dreaming, or fantasizing about. I understand it. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO POLICE!!
I vividly remember a conversation I had with a boyfriend in my 20s when we had a blazing row about exactly the same thing. I basically forbade him from having any dreams or thoughts or fantasies about anyone other than me. The poor sod agreed which makes me sad, looking back, that I was so foolish and insecure and bullied him into promising that. I wonder if he did it to shut me up or felt really guilty whenever he did think about other people.
The bottom line of all this is insecurity. Why are you feeling insecure? What could your partner do to make you feel more secure? This is what you should focus on — not a nighttime erection which is just his body doing its stuff!
Q: My boyfriend of four years has finally asked me to marry him but the proposal has arrived after years of arguing about it. He thinks marriage is an outdated tradition and weddings are a waste of money; I am traditional and want a big wedding and a big dress. We’re already arguing about the logistics. Am I making a big mistake? I feel like I’ve forced him into it.
A: You won’t be the first couple to have this very same argument, and it doesn’t make you incompatible for life just because you disagree on whether marriage is a good thing or a bad thing. You can disagree about marriage and still find a compromise that suits both of you… but only if you’re both willing to compromise.
This isn’t a compromise. He’s said yes after arguing about it for four years and it’s not like he’s said yes and is graciously allowing you to have your day in the sun– he’s still fighting you every step of the way. You’re not happy, even though you won the war. He’s not happy, having let you win it.
Lots of couples have very different attitudes to marriage and find solutions that suit both of them. One solution that works for couples with different views is to get married but not in a church. Or to keep it small and simple: more like a party with friends where you happen to announce you want to stay together forever. I have to say a big traditional wedding with the big meringue dress isn’t compromising at all on your part. BUT I understand that if it’s important to you –and this might be something you have wanted all your life– then why should you compromise. It’s a tricky one.
Our view of marriage is shaped by lots of things but particularly by our upbringing and our parents’ marriage or relationship. If you grew up with parents who were married and unhappy, arguing all the time, cheating, and it all ending in a big mess and acrimonious divorce, you’re unlikely to be a fan of marriage. I grew up with a Dad who had an affair and that put me off big time.
But if you grew up with parents who loved each other and showed you what a good, healthy loving marriage looks like, you are likely to grow up wanting that for yourself. Religious beliefs — whether you are a traditional person or not — are another big factor that affects whether you want to marry.
I don’t think your partner is alone in thinking they are a waste of money. Or, to put it more kindly, an unnecessary expense. There is a strong shift towards people realizing that weddings cost a hell of a lot of money that could probably be put to better use. A lot of young people are struggling with money and would prefer to put it towards a deposit on a property. Though it has to be said, you can do a brilliant wedding on the cheap!
You need to get past the surface stuff and find out why this issue has kept you both arguing for four years– the real reasons why he’s so against it, not the trotted-out cliches like how weddings are ‘outdated’ or ‘just a piece of paper.’ Why is he so vehemently against it? Is he worried about the cost? Is he not looking forward to being the center of attention? What is it about marriage that’s outdated? Is monogamy too traditional for him?
I suspect it’s a lot simpler than this though: what’s the deal with his parents? I bet my bottom dollar they aren’t together. What’s his experience with marriage. What was his parent’s marriage like, are any of his siblings happily married, what about friends? Could be he’s surrounded by couples in great relationships but none of them saw the need to make it formal so he can’t see the point either.
But also ask why is marriage important to you? What does the big day and big dress give you that living together and having kids together and making commitments to stay together can’t? Is it status? Is it that your parents would be upset? Is it that you’d just love the attention of the day? Just because your partner doesn’t value the institution of marriage doesn’t mean he doesn’t want a monogamous relationship and a family and for it to last a lifetime.
He’s agreed to this but he hasn’t emotionally agreed to it. He’s still fighting you every step of the way. The fact that it’s so important to you, should be enough to make it important to him. You could argue that. But this works both ways: if he has had a traumatic experience with marriage, you need to understand that as well.
