What Field of Dreams Taught Me About Forgiveness
My father’s alcoholism has made it difficult for me to reconcile my feelings toward him
I’m a rabid sports fan and have to be careful otherwise I could lose entire days watching them on TV. While I’m making confessions, I must also admit to being a movie addict. Though I often watch a movie to “escape,” I find that more often than not I will watch a movie then try to see how the characters or theme relates to my life.
One such movie is Field of Dreams. Set in rural Iowa, a farming family has a “calling” that leads them to build a baseball field and experience a series of encounters that nobody else believes. At the end of the movie, the main character, Ray, is able to reconcile his differences with his deceased father in one of the most poignant scenes I have ever seen. Ray realizes that the whole series of events that occurred throughout the movie was designed to help him come to grips with forgiving his father.
Ray and his father had a falling-out, and Ray vowed never to talk to him again. His father died before they were able to reconcile with each other. But at the end of the movie, Ray and his father reunite — albeit magically — and Ray appears to forgive him for his stubbornness. But I think something much more important happens: Ray learns to forgive himself for his part in their disagreement which led to their bitter estrangement. In order to move on, Ray has to accept his role in the split before he is ready to understand and extend forgiveness to his father.
One of the famous lines in the movie is: “If you build it, he will come.” Contrary to popular belief, I don’t think the “he” refers to Shoeless Joe Jackson or even Ray’s father. The “he” is Ray himself. If he will accept this calling (building the ball field and accepting the series of strange encounters that follow), he will finally forgive himself and reconcile with his father. In other words, he will come full circle.
Fans of the movie will likely disagree with my interpretation, but Field of Dreams has an intensely personal message for me. My father’s alcoholism and at times abusive behavior have made it difficult for me to reconcile my feelings toward him, especially after his death. I found myself in Ray’s shoes at the end of the movie, hoping for the one last game of catch to try and exercise my negative feelings.
As I learn to practice forgiveness, I also learn that I must always initiate the process. What do I mean? When an individual or group of individuals has committed a “wrong” against us, we feel hurt, anger, and bitterness. We can keep those feelings inside for a long period of time (and we often do), or we can move on after the initial shock and continue to improve our lives and the lives of those around us.
By choosing this route, we do not let the wrong-doer alter or destroy our own lives. We have to recognize that we must make the first step (forgiving ourselves for our continued anger or bitterness) and then extend forgiveness externally. Pay attention to the signs — in churches, movies, and music, to name a few — that can provide positive, compelling examples of how these steps toward forgiveness and reconciliation can be accomplished.
It always begins with forgiving ourselves first.
Bob Saul completed pediatric training at Duke University Medical Center and genetic training at the Greenwood Genetic Center. He is a Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at Prisma Health Children’s Hospital and the University of South Carolina School of Medicine.
He has two grown children, Bradley and Ben, and has been married to his wife, Jan, for over 33 years. His books include MY CHILDREN’S CHILDREN: RAISING YOUNG CITIZENS IN THE AGE OF COLUMBINE, ALL ABOUT CHILDREN, and THINKING DEVELOPMENTALLY: NURTURING WELLNESS IN CHILDHOOD TO PROMOTE LIFELONG HEALTH (the latter co-authored with Dr. Andy Garner and published by the American Academy of Pediatrics). His latest book, CONSCIOUS PARENTING: USING THE PARENTAL AWARENESS THRESHOLD, was published in March 2020.
