Where Are All the Single Men Hiding?
Tracey’s Tip: When your search for a partner diminishes in importance, you’ll meet someone!
International sex educator Tracey Cox and award-winning podcast host Zibby Owens have joined forces for a weekly Q&A podcast answering your anonymous sex questions.
This week, Tracey responds to questions about her best advice for dating offline, how to reassure your partner your problem with his penis is his insecurity about it, and why sex with your quarantine partner may not be the same in person.
Read an excerpt below and follow this link to listen to the entire episode.
Q: I am single but please don’t tell me to go online to meet someone because I have absolutely no luck that way. Where should I go in person to meet men? Where are they all hiding?
TC: I remember in my single days, constantly feeling that all the single men were at the next bar, next party, next club. It didn’t occur to me then how stupid that was. Sticking around for a while is my first tip:
Visit places where people hang around long enough for you to get to know them.
This is why pubs and bars will always remain great pick-up places — you’re there for a while and there’s alcohol, to give you all courage to make the approach. Festivals are also a good idea. You’re all there for hours. Plenty of time to make eye contact, exchange a few words, then settle into a good conversation.
Get out of the habit of thinking you’ll find love on Friday and Saturday night
Truth is, single men are everywhere. They’re in the park walking the dog. Buying lunch at Pret. On the tube and subway. Standing next to you at a bookshop. They’re your best friend’s brother’s new friend. The trick is to open your eyes and look around you. Ask your friends to fix you up as well. Don’t be shy about it! People love making matches.
Say yes to any invitation that means you will meet a whole new group of people
I don’t think that has to mean a gathering of people like you or your own age. One of my friends met her partner when she went with a friend to visit her grandmother in a care home. She ended up meeting and marrying the manager. Birthday parties of people you don’t know also turn up unexpected surprises.
Who you go with is important
If you haven’t seen your best girlfriend for months, you’re not going to be looking around the room to see who’s there. Couple friends are sometimes great for encouraging you to go and chat with people you might not otherwise think are your type. Single friends are gold because they’ll be available to come to stuff at the last minute and keep you company while you’re all looking. Quite frankly, if you get a good bunch of single friends together, your search for a partner diminishes in importance. Which, of course, is when you meet someone!
Talk to people
Talk to everyone and anyone to get into the practice. I don’t mean practice chat-up skills. I mean saying, “Gorgeous day isn’t it!” to someone standing next to you getting a coffee in the park. “What breed of dog is that?” to the cute guy walking his dog. Be curious! Most people love talking about themselves. If anyone is snotty or ignores you or gives you a “What are you talking to me for? I don’t know you” look, just smile as broadly as you can and move on.
Take even more risks
If you meet someone you really like and it’s time to part, offer your phone number. So what if they don’t call? If you give your number to lots of people and aren’t sitting around waiting for one person, chances are you will be rewarded!
Q: My husband is obsessed with the size of his penis. He thinks it’s too small and despite years of reassurance, he’s still really paranoid. Every time we have intercourse, he says, “I know that wasn’t very satisfying for you.” I’m exhausted by it all. How can I reassure him the problem isn’t his size — it’s him going on and on about it?
TC: Men are far more obsessed with the size of their penis than women are. In most surveys, women don’t even rank it in the top five. So if it doesn’t matter to women, why does it matter so much to men?
I think one reason is that they grow up with skewed judgment of what is “average.” The only time most straight men see a penis is when they’re watching porn. Most men in porn have larger than average penises. But here’s the thing: no one actually knows what the average penis size is! The statistic that’s always trotted out — “the average erect penis is five inches long’ — is nothing more than a guess. And not even a terribly good one.
There is no definitive study that proves the average penis size of a man and it’s highly unlikely there ever will be. Here’s why: very few men would willingly come forward to have their penises measured by a trained clinician. Most men are nervous they — literally — won’t measure up. Nearly all the studies that have been done rely on self-measurement which is notoriously unreliable — and predictably generous.
The other important thing to note here is that the other reason why women aren’t fussed about penis size is that we get our orgasms from clitoris stimulation. Intercourse might feel nice but it’s unlikely to make us climax.
I’d be interested to know what you say to your partner as reassurance. If you haven’t already tried to talk sense into him with all the points I’m bringing up here, please do! But then I’d move from being sweet and reassuring to giving him some harsh truths. You’re spot on when you say his size isn’t the problem — it’s his obsession that is. You’re married which suggests this has been going on for years. Stop indulging him.
Q: I met my girlfriend online during lockdown, so most of the sex we had together at the start was via Zoom. Even though it wasn’t in person, it was awesome. She’d masturbate in front of me, talk dirty — nothing seemed off-limits. I couldn’t wait to have sex in person but when we finally did, it was weird. She’s really inhibited and uptight and anxious. It hasn’t got better with time. What’s going on?
TC: We’ve had quite a few lockdown-related issues with sex. The virus and lockdown have impacted our sex lives big-time and there are several reasons why this could be happening to your girlfriend.
One is that video sex is scheduled sex. You’ve made time to chat and you both know what’s coming. Ahem. Anticipation is great for sex. It’s arousing imagining what might happen and replaying how good it was the time before. You’re prepared. You can adjust the lighting and the filter and the angle to make sure you look good. You can practice first to make sure you look good. You’re in complete control because there’s no one else there with you. All of this makes you feel confident and less inhibited.
Sex in person isn’t like that. You’re not as in control. You often can’t change the circumstances. You might not feel like it when your partner does. You might not be looking your best or wearing your best underwear. If your girlfriend prefers planned sex to spontaneous sex, this could be throwing her. Some people like to know what’s going to happen in a sex session. It’s a sex personality called a “worrier.” Worriers like forward notice of what’s likely to be expected of them.
I’m not surprised it was awkward to start with. It was so good before you even met, and the expectation would naturally be that in-person sex would be even better. So, expectations were sky-high. First-time sex with anyone is often awkward but especially when you’re expecting it to be out of this world. Just meeting each other for the first time would have been terrifying!
This explains why the sex might not be as good at the start. The reason why I don’t think it’s getting any better is because she is sensing that you are disappointed and aren’t enjoying it. That’s the other thing about in-person sex versus video sex: you can fake quite a few things on video but that’s not so easy in person. She will instinctively know you’re lukewarm about the sex you’re having because she can hear how fast you’re breathing, feel that your erection isn’t as hard as it looks, look into your eyes and see that you aren’t that excited.
You need to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Talk to her. Don’t say, “Weird how our sex isn’t half as good as it was on Zoom.” But do say, “Didn’t we have a great time on Zoom. I really liked having video sex with you because [give a reason why you did — why she turned you on so much].” Then say, “What did you like best about it?” Ask what someone wants more of rather than what they don’t like and they’ll open up more.
Get her talking about what made her confident. It’s not so much of a push to say, “What do you miss about it?” Which is a roundabout way of asking, “What aren’t you enjoying about the sex we’re having in person.” As with everything about sex, the clue to fixing this is communication. What did you both like about what happened before? What’s missing now? What does she need to feel safe and secure enough to get back to being so confident and adventurous?
I suspect a lot of this is her being petrified she’s going to lose you, which is making her even less likely to relax and be herself sexually.
