How do you wash the dishes?

Imagine the scene, its the end of the day, dinner is done, you are ready to turn in. The last thing you have to do is wash the dishes. Your spouse loads the dishwasher and just as she is heading to bed, she tells you “Honey put the soap in the dishwasher and turn the dishwasher on”

Some common responses, if you are a,

Product manager:

I think you shouldn’t jump straight to a solution, what is the real problem that you are trying to solve? Is washing the dishes in the dishwasher the right solution? Let’s focus on the outcome, you want clean dishes. Lots of solutions are possible, let’s do an all-day workshop with post-its, lots of post-its.

Designer:

The layout of the dishes in the dishwasher as it stands today is bad UX. It’s too cluttered, not enough (white)space. Plus the dishwasher is not brand-approved, the colors are all wrong. Eww, all these buttons, where are the delighters? Where is the authenticity? Good design saves the dishes.

Engineer:

What if we want to wash dishes again tomorrow, what’s the flow? What if the dishes break in the dishwasher mid-cycle? What if the water runs out? What do you mean when you say “hot” water? what is the temperature range of hot water? There are too many open questions — go back and get me better requirements.

Project Manager:

Sorry, we are out of capacity in the current sprint, we cannot commit to it. My agile process trumps everything you have. BTW is there a Jira ticket for this? No ticket No service

Sales associate:

I have 3 types of detergent that will solve your problem and give you 200% ROI. If you like we can also give you some bleach, we don’t sell it today — but we have a great tech team that can make bleach really quick. When can you sign the contract? — ah after you get bleach? Sure — we can give you bleach in a week.

Business Development Executive:

We would like to strategically partner with you to figure out a mutually beneficial way to wash dishes together. Are you available for a quick call today at 4:30?

Brand marketing manager:

How did you feel emotionally when you wanted the dishes washed? What in our messaging make you respond to our offer? Did our brand evoke feelings of cleanliness?

Executive team member:

Will washing dishes scale? Is it aligned with our long-term strategic vision? Does it build on our competitive advantage?

CEO:

Our vision is to disrupt washing. We believe the current model for washing is broken. We will leverage Blockchain and AI in our innovative saas cleanliness model to make a true impact in this world. Why wash dishes in a dishwasher when you can change the world.

Disclaimer: This is supposed to be funny and a caricature. If this offends you I’m sorry, but please no hate comments and/or twitter hate — it’s just not worth it.

Originally published at blog.thesharmas.org on May 29, 2018.