Welcome to Silicon Valleywood!
San Francisco is Hollywood with smarter actors
Mind you, I’m not an expert. In fact, I’ve only been in San Francisco for six months and I’ve never lived in Hollywood, although I did take the Universal Tour. I’ve also seen both “Get Shorty” and “The Player” so I guess by now you’re wondering why I’m being so hard on my credentials. I suppose in some ways you’re right. I often don’t give myself enough credit.
Ok, you win, I am an expert. So gather at my feet as I brilliantly outline the similarities of Silicon Valley and Hollywood.
First let’s start with the players trying to break into the scene. In Hollywood, you have the self-proclaimed actor on every corner serving drinks and food while waiting for the big break. Some have even done a little acting, but all of them have a headshot.
Some headshots resemble the person depicted. People in this category are called “character actors” and are Cohen brothers-scene ready. The others are like the last three people you went out with from Match.com whose profile pics are of someone different. A better looking, skinnier someone.
In San Francisco everyone is working on a start-up, and some actually work at one, but only long enough until their own is funded. The start-up t-shirt is the Valley’s headshot.
Just like the too-handsome waiter pouring your no-ice water refill on Sunset might be the next Brad Pitt, that bushy bearded, thick-rimed bespectacled 20 something sporting jeans and tee printed with a company logo you never heard of on King Street might be the next Mark Zuckerberg.
I know that last sentence was too long. If you want well-edited articles check out HuffingtonPost.com. I hear they are pretty good at it.
As an aside on my aside, no one gets business cards printed anymore, so you can stop asking yourself why I’m not comparing them to the headshot.
The challenge with the headshot and the t-shirt is anyone with a few bucks can get one printed. Even people who—hang on to your iPhone — have no business starting a company or heading up a sitcom. I score a point for the Valley on this one though. I’ll keep a free t-shirt to wear on my bike ride from Soma to Burlingame but I’m most likely going to chuck a headshot from an unknown actor.
Yes it’s unlikely to get either. Pretending to be a producer gets you headshots of the beautiful women you’re trying to pick up in Hollywood and posing as a venture capitalist in the Valley results in the occasional t-shirt. Of course, I’ve never done either I think. But I was pretty beerified last time I visited my brother in LA so I can’t be 100% sure.
At the Hollywood and Vine Starbucks you can toss a creamer and hit 10 hopeful screenwriters banging out brilliant scripts on their Macbooks [no they don’t work on anything but Apple computers].
In San Fran we have founders at Peet’s working on pitch decks. Just like scripts have known formulas (eg. boy meets girl, loses girl, kills self, returns as angel and wins/haunts/spies on girl), pitch decks have a rigid structure (big problem, big solution, the team to solve it and how, although we aren’t going to make any money until we sell to some huge company who will buy us for a billion bucks and ruin our product with advertising, we have a brilliant business model to “on-board” about a gazillion people).
For those of you dear readers not in the know, only angels in far-away good for nothing, wouldn’t know a deep pocket if they fell into it places like Utah ask for business plans.
I just realized I said angels and Utah in the same sentence. This might be confusing cause I don’t mean the “bearing gold books” shining from Heaven kind of angel. I mean the bearing currency that used to be backed with gold bars individual who invests in new businesses kind of angel.
Screenwriters are working on the next “Avatar.” Founders are creating the next Twitter. Both share the ultra condensed elevator pitch. “It’s Jaws in Outer Space!” “It’s Uber for Prostitutes.” I’d watch that movie and I wouldn’t download that app unless they had a really strict privacy policy and maybe a first time special.
Silicon Valleywood both favor the young. No one over the age of 30 understand all this socialweb app world and it takes an Oscar-quested Weinstein to fund a box-office bomb with a woman in her 40s.
I’m just lucky my 7 year old son is helping me write this on Medium cause otherwise I’d be twiddling my docksiders listening to Duran Duran on the AM radio instead of typing on this magic box connected wirelessly [what will they think of next?] to what I assume is the google-owned internet.
Silicon Valley and Hollywood both love a good gatekeeper but Hollywood has more practice at this. Some junior partner at Andreessen Horowitz is chuckling right now at your “you got to be kidding me you want money for this Twitter for the Blind” pitch deck [you know who you are].
In Hollywood some “reader” chained to the basement at Warner Brothers is not laughing at your rom-com that your girlfriend thought was hilarious.
Elsewhere, a casting agent whose name was leaked in Backstage West is buried in headshots of 34 year old mixed-raced males for a guest staring role on “Law and Order.” None will be getting the audition since the producer is going with the cop/actor who didn’t arrest him last night.
In Silicon Valleywood good ideas multiply. What else would explain the double-the-pleasure viewings of “Olympus has Fallen” and “White House Down” or the never-failing-to-entertain next episode of “The Fast and Furious?” Why else would we have the choice between Chrome, Safari, Firefox or that other browser from Microsoft?
Had enough of sequels? No worry, Hollywood invented the prequel and some Swedish dude (probably with some SV VC money, but I’m too lazy to Google it) offers us the so retro it’s cool Minecraft.
Hollyicon Valley citizens are always asking what have you done for me lately? Hollywood’s fortunates are at the mercy of last night’s ratings or last weekend’s soft opening. The writer of the biggest blockbuster of 2002 might be teaching to “wannabees” for $25 a head by 2013. On the other hand, the more money you raised and lost in your last Silicon funded startup sets the going rate for your next one. “Lost $25 million of our money last year and the company went under but you have a new idea? Where do we sign?!”
Hollywood has the treatment. For those of you not worthy of an IMBDpro account, that’s the written idea of what might or probably won’t be on the Fall TV schedule or the next Summer blockbuster. I think Silicon Valley does Hollywood one better though, because here we have the ideation stage for startups.
Treatments are for people with ideas. Ideation is for people with dreams. One day an entrepreneur might just start the Next Big Thing but they don’t have an idea yet. Cause watch out, when they do, they are writing a pitch deck and ordering some custom-made t-shirts.
My advice for unfunded startup entrepreneurs? Based on the overwhelming response my friend’s “Who is John Galt” tee got at the SV Founders Meetup last week, if you’re in the ideation stage I’d recommend getting one.
My advice for unemployed actors? Based on the overwhelming response my friend’s “Who is John Galt” tee got at the SV Founders Meetup last week, I’d recommend getting a headshot taken with one.
P.S. In case any actors are reading this, despite my subhead, I don’t think all actors are dumb. Just you for thinking I do.
