5 Money Talks To Have With Your Partner Before Saying “I Do”
Written by: Adebola Williams
According to a research report by Umar Yakubu in 2019, divorce in Nigerian homes was spreading like wildfire. Kano alone had about a million registered divorcees — people whose marriages had been dissolved by the law or unofficially.
And in 2022, research showed that one of the leading causes of the increasing rate of divorce in many Nigerian homes was money.
Money conversations may be weird with your parents, family members, siblings, friends and colleagues but it should never be weird with the person you are singing forever to. In this blog, you’ll see the importance of having money conversations with your partner and the most important ones to have.
The love story that gets many of us excited is how boy meets girl, they fall in love and then ride into the sunset living happily ever after. But if you are married or planning to get married, you’d know that’s not all. You know there are many hurdles to cross, compromises to allow and choices to make.
Although we are no love experts (all we know is money ), we know that the day-to-day life of a married couple isn’t just looking into each other’s eyes all day long. Couples have their individual lives, careers, personal projects and dreams to accomplish. A lot of this day-to-day is fueled by resources; money.
Money is such a crucial part of running a home that sometimes the lack of it can make some people question if they haven’t made a mistake marrying the wrong person.
We know that in this part of the world, there are many conversations that society has conditioned us to shy away from and one is money. Well, you are an adult now. The sooner you have these money talks, the better things turn out. Money talks with your partner isn’t an investigation. You aren’t the police and they aren’t a suspect. You are not putting them in the interrogation room, pulling out their file and demanding answers on how they spend their money and why they do what they do with their money.
It’s a conversation and just like any conversation, the two parties have to be willing to be open, honest and truthful with each other.
Before we make a list of those top 5 money talks to have with your partner, we also want to give you a quick list of money red flags you should look out for in them:
- They are unwilling to talk about money. Every time you bring up money, they retract like a millipede that has just been touched. They never bring it up and the few times you do, it’s like talking to a stone-cold wall.
- When they do bring up conversations around money, it’s to ask you for some. If your partner is always asking you to give them money or loan them money without ever discussing what they want to use it for, red flag.
- You both can never be on the same page when it comes to money — making it, saving it, investing it, keeping it, spending it. If you always seem to be at loggerheads with your partner every time the subject is money, the universe is waving a big red flag in your face.
- They hide their bad debt. Debt isn’t a bad thing but bad debt is. If your partner has huge debt problems and is hiding them from you, that’s a huge red flag because when you get married, you acquire their debt. You need to be aware of what you’re getting into.
See other red flags here.
Now, let’s get into the conversations:
What’s your money situation?
Knowing your partner’s money situation includes the following:
- Their sources of income
- Their monthly/annual net income
- Their assets
- Their liabilities
- Their net worth
- Their debts
- Their mandatory expenses
- Their money weaknesses
Life isn’t African Magic Yoruba where the wife doesn’t know what the husband does for work and just keeps accepting money from him without questions. As someone planning on walking down the aisle and joining yourself, especially by the law to someone, you need to know what their sources of income are. You may not be able to explain the day-to-day of what the work entails but you should know the company they work at, their role there and the remuneration.
Before we go on, it’s only safe that we ask you if you know your partner’s money situation. If you do, share this post on your socials, tag us and give us a wink. If you don’t, it’s time to have the talk.
The purpose of knowing this is for your journey ahead. The two of you may not have a joint account but you both would be involved in running the home and money is a crucial part of that. Knowing these would help you create your family's financial goals, priorities and budgets. They would help you make decisions on what investment decisions to make or mistakes to avoid.
We aren’t trying to break relationships but if you ask us, you shouldn’t be walking down the aisle with someone you don’t feel safe sharing all this information with.
What are your money values?
Everyone is driven by certain values and these values seep into how we see money and think about money. If your partner thinks money is for security, they would always want to keep money and be as frugal as they can. It would also affect the way they work, the kind of work they do, the kind of income they make and so much more. They need to share what problems they think money can solve and how they think of money with you so that you can understand some of the decisions they make.
Money values also influence savings and investment choices. If you are a high-risk investor and your partner isn’t, it would affect the kind of investment portfolios you’ll build individually or as a collective.
How does your family handle money?
Many Nigerians believe you aren’t just marrying your partner when you get married, they say you marry their family as well. And this is nothing but the truth. Nigeria is a family-oriented society; people are connected by blood, culture and ethnicity. That’s why at Moni, we leverage on this already existing community system to provide financial services.
For some adults, they have now become the breadwinner. They have a monthly upkeep they send to their parents, they pay their sibling's school fees, pay their parent's house rent and so much more. Some even send their siblings abroad to experience a different life. For adults like these, their families have expectations of them. And that’s just the nuclear side of things.
Extended families also have expectations.
You need to share your partner’s family-money situation so they aren’t surprised when you send some money back home or run to the aid of an ailing family member. You need to share what your family expects, and the processes you have set in place to make sure that you don’t run bankrupt at the expense of taking care of everyone.
How will we merge our money?
This is the part that causes many Twitter debates and controversial hot takes. We won’t tell you what to do but we would tell you to decide together. Don’t assume that you’ll have a joint account if you never discuss it. Don’t assume that since you are earning less, you won’t have to chip in at all towards running the home. Talk about how money will work in your new household. Some couples have a joint account and all things run smoothly while some others do and the world comes crashing down.
You both have to share your personal expenses and your financial style. Some couples speak to financial coaches to make decisions on how they would run money. You too can get such professional help if it’s difficult coming to a consensus.
Some couples do Prenup, which is a legal arrangement that protects the personal assets they bring into the marriage in the eventuality of a divorce.
Both parties need to agree on what style they’ll use to run money in their home.
How much will we be spending on the wedding?
Weddings are costly and the multi-billion dollar wedding industry is proof of that. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the shut-down-the-city kind of wedding or it’s the quiet one, a lot of money goes into creating the perfect wedding experience. You both need to come to an agreement on how much you are willing to part with for your wedding.
Take a hard look at your finances and create a budget that would work for you. Weddings are usually a show of class, financial status and social sability but they shouldn’t be. Don’t go into debt in a bid to impress people and don’t put your partner under undue pressure to give you the big wedding you’ve always dreamed of when you both can’t afford it.
One thing to note about these money talks is that they will forever go on. You’ll keep having them and keep upgrading your terms. As you build your lives together, you’ll need to update your partner’s behaviours and yours, you’ll need to adjust budgets, or set new family goals.
The most important thing is to ask these questions before saying “I do” and to keep discussing them as you grow together.
Did you know that you and your partner can create financial and saving goals on the Moni app? Get the Moni App on Google PlayStore and AppStore.
