Please, tell me we don’t have to be this way

Tell me that we still have a chance to change our fate.

Alessandra Francine Palicpic | © Niña Jacinto Photography

Please, tell me we don’t have to cut each other off again — because I’m sick and tired of trying to heal from it.

We have come so far in the wrong places and these aren’t the places I imagined us to be in. Please tell me that you weren’t okay with how we ended something I valued so much, leaving everything as a mess as if the way things were never really mattered. I’m so done with this need for closure over something I didn’t want to end in the first place because I’m now obsessing over calling it off in a way that would give justice to our feelings. I have lost my patience in finding the answers to all the why’s, just because you never insisted on us, having the right communication. You always thought I was the type who would throw everything away like all of it was nothing — as if I was heartless enough to get away without being bothered by a feeling of loss. I’m so tired of this — of how we chose to break it off without setting each other free.

I am getting tired of trying to live a life without you, given that you used to make me feel like it’s worth living.

Please tell me that we can still work this all out because I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of fighting my feelings over someone whom I assume would be happier with somebody else. I’m tired of wanting to reclaim my heart from you, believing that yours always belonged to someone else.

Please tell me that the way you made me feel was never the real story — that I was wrong about this all along. If only we both agreed that none of these was real, then it would be easier for us to say what’s over is really over and I could finally let you go. But that would never be an easy way for us to say that we’re really over with holding on to what we could have been and finally set ourselves free. Please, tell me that we can still fix this — that we can start being true to the way we feel and to one another.

All that I was ever afraid of losing was someone like you, yet I still did.

Yes, I still did.

Right now, I’m just tired of denying the fact that losing you almost felt like losing myself.

Please, tell me we don’t have to be this way — we don’t have to leave things hanging, as if they were all part of an unfinished story. We don’t have to keep on denying that what we had, at least for a moment, was something real. We don’t have to keep on playing a contest of who could care the least. Because if there was something we would find ourselves both guilty of, it would be pretending that we didn’t care at all. Please, tell me that we don’t have to be this way — we don’t have to fight over who was the one that got away. It was never about that. We never knew one another as someone who would cross the line this way. I was taken aback by how the way we treat each other became intoxicating when it used to have brought us nothing but healing. I just miss who you and I used to be. I miss the time when we didn’t care so much about defining our limits — when we weren’t afraid of what awaited us in the future.

This isn’t me and that isn’t you.

This isn’t us.

We are so much better than this.

To be honest, I no longer feel like myself, and I can’t seem to say goodbye to who you were with the way you’ve allowed me to know you.

I’m getting sick of trying to change myself — trying so hard to break myself again, just to forget who built me up.

I’m scared of the way I’m changing, but I couldn’t care about anything other than all my hopes for you. Please promise me that you’ll be okay if ever you’ve finally decided not to stay. Please, at least give me an idea of how your heart is doing without me by your side. I’m sorry, but I just can’t stop caring. I really can’t stop thinking about whether you’re healing from everything that has left you with a heavy heart. Please promise me you’ll find happiness, even if letting me be part of it was never your choice. I want you to know that whatever happens, I would always have your best interests at heart. Please promise me you’ll find lasting happiness because it’s all that ever matters to me.

I want you to know that seeing you truly happy is enough to make me happy.

You might be wondering why it is only now that I decided to tell you the truth about everything I felt. It took me a lot of time to figure it all out without you. I’ve been always afraid that everything was too good to be true. I always believed that beautiful things are meant to fall apart.

I’m sorry.

Whatever we had, I’m sorry I never knew how to save it. I’m sorry for leaving you, thinking that walking away was the only option. I was trying to be a blessing when I was a hell of a mess myself, so I needed some time off. I had to break on my own. Alone, I had to lose what I have to lose. I had to experience the worst for me to get to know my own heart, discover what it wants, and learn to fight for it.

I reached a breaking point that made me realize that throughout my life, I never fought for myself. I never fought for what I truly wanted. I’ve always let other people decide for me, but for the first time in my life, I want to change the story.

For the first time in my life, I want to be able to tell myself that I fought for what I love.

I’m not expecting anything from you. I’m not begging you to stay. I never asked you to dive in. I just want you to give me a straightforward answer — to finally decide and be sure about it.

You’re free.

I just want you to know that I mean everything. Every word is full of sincerity; they’re not just poetry. I’ve always been a lover of the truth and this time, I’d be real as refusing to lie to my own feelings — aware that acknowledging my heart and how it feels will never be selfish at all.

I don’t know how you want things to be, but I’m leaving my heart in God’s hands. Maybe, we’ll end this. Maybe, we’ll start again. Maybe, we’ll just let things be — leaving the mess as it is. I don’t know. I have no idea of how His plans for us would work. I really don’t know…but one thing is for sure.

Love will set us free.

Love will set both of us free.

Please, tell me we don’t have to be this way.

We don’t have to leave one another second-guessing the reason why it felt so hard to contain our regrets and how come it seemed so easy to throw all of it away. Please, tell me we don’t have to try so hard to make it appear like everything was just that easy.

‘Cause none of it was ever easy. Not even a single second of it was. So please, tell me that we don’t have to be this way. We don’t have to go in and out of the wrong battles because it isn’t worth it anymore.

Trust me, we can do a lot better than this.

I’m not expecting anything from you, but you can expect that I’ll still be here to fight for your happiness.

I’m not begging you to stay, but if you would, I trust you with my walls down and my heart is open to let you in.

I never asked you to dive in, but I am no longer scared of how vulnerable you make me feel, for you were always worth the risk.

You are worth every risk.