How depression may feel

Words from a deep place for every person in a dark place

Xelzes Romero

I feel so hopeless right now. I never felt this hopeless and pathetic ever. I feel like no matter how much effort I make, I wouldn’t get any results. I’m so tired of doing my best. I feel so tired of expecting that a lot of good things will happen when I do my best. I’m just tired. Tired than ever.

I don’t know why things have to be this way and why I have to be undervalued this much. I just want to get lost. People only see me when they need me. I don’t want to be needed anymore. I’m so tired of trying to be okay for those who need me or shall I say, those who only want to use me. I’m tired of being stuck somewhere I have no choice but to stay at. I’m so tired of trying to be right, with the efforts that only make things worse or simply don’t make a difference. I’m so tired of being a complete failure and mistake. I’m so tired of having to go through all this pain over and over again like life was only meant to be filled with hurt and pain.

I’m so tired of trying to love myself.

I’m so tired of trying to be someone worthy. I’m so tired of figuring out on my own how I could learn to respect myself. I’m so tired of trying to be strong. I’m so tired of trying to be someone I was forced to become. Now, I’m just so tired of trying to figure out the kind of person I would want to be. I have lost not only a sense of self-worth but also a sense of my own identity. How could this pain possibly go to worse?

I’m so tired of trying to be enough.

I’m so tired of other people’s expectations. I’m so tired of wanting to be loved for just who I am — not for the advantage they get from me. I’m so tired of trying to be happy outside…of trying to smile and laugh in order to save me from others’ judgments. I’m so tired of being taken for granted. I’m so tired of expecting from the people who actually don’t care about me at all. I’m so tired of trying to escape from being with the people who downgrade my worth.

I’m so tired of being forced to always be the one adjusting for the people who don’t respect my time and my right for sanity. I’m so tired of the people who inconsiderately restricted me from the option to say no. I’m so tired of trying to reach out for the people who only remember me when I reach them out. I’m so tired of the cyclic process of trying to sleep and waking up with the cruel world in front of me.

I’m so tired of secretly crying until I don’t anymore have tears to shed.

I’m so tired of trying to be normal. I’m so tired of being disrespected as if I deserve it. I’m so tired of trying to hide my tears from the people who would blame me for being sad, without even trying to understand my pain. I’m so tired of trying to recollect all the reasons why I act in a manner unacceptable for others, because of the burden of explaining why. I’m so tired of trying to forget why I’m in pain, then remembering all of them again just to know how they have snowballed inside of me. Sometimes, even I, don’t get where all of this is coming from.

I’m so tired of people who force me to open up about the things I don’t have enough pain tolerance to discuss yet. I’m so tired of the people who never see anything good in me and who never believe in what I can do. I’m so tired of being called weak. I’m so tired of being told to be someone not capable of anything.

I’m so tired of overthinking.

I’m so tired of the people who don’t feel like looking for someone when I’m actually lost in their sight. I’m so tired of the people forgetting about me when someone else is around. I’m so tired of the people who’d prefer the well-being of someone not around, than of me, already in front of them. I’m so tired of wanting to feel nothing. I’m so tired of everything.

I’m so tired of forcing people to stay because I didn’t know what I deserve, thinking that my worth is defined by how I can make people stay. I’m so tired of the people who devoured me — with all the damage that altogether made me feel this way. I’m so tired of paying for the sin of existing.

I’m such a mess and everything about me is bullshit.

I’m sorry for being me.

Now, this is where I draw the line. Enough with listening to all these voices — the voices that simultaneously speak against me with recurring chaos in my mental state.

I have gone this far of questioning my worth and now I’m hitting the brakes by embracing reality. The truth is, this is a powerful story in the making.

I may have been through a lot that brought me to a dark place, but this the bravest way for me to make it through. I have to get to know the monsters inside my head before I transform them into angels of wisdom, strength and humility. Truly, the best way to turn down an enemy is to make it a friend.

I may have been tired, but this is a turning point for me to recover the days, the months, and even the years I have lost. I lost so much of my precious time battling my own thoughts and emotions, but I can always reclaim this by creating something beautiful out of all the damage that taught me how to fight all the way through.

In the end, there is nothing more about me that I have to be sorry about and everything less to expect from the people and situations around me that I can grow without.

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