I’m learning to allow pain to be felt in order to grow

I was always in pain. I never said it wasn’t heavy. I’m sorry for losing heart and being the mess that I am right now, but I’m still learning.

Alex Jariño | © Ian Howell Pascua

I can’t any more deny it. I can’t anymore hide the pain. I can’t anymore try to keep up a good front and tell everyone that I’m okay when I’m actually not.

All this time, I thought that appearing to feel nothing shows that I’m strong enough to deal with all the damage.

I wanted so much to heal right away. I wanted to look strong in front of others, even if it means lying to myself. I’ve been living a life that’s constantly making me feel like I want to pull myself together like I am ever on the verge of falling apart.

I’ve always tried to handle everything on my own— I felt like a burden to others. I’ve always tried to show everyone I’m happy when I’m actually not, thinking maybe they’ll be happy to see that I am. I’ve always tried to keep all the weight on top of my chest, making myself believe that there’s no big deal with every single thing that’s preventing me to have a space to breathe.

All I did was to stay in the comfort of the dark where no one can see a troubled soul and a bleeding heart.

I can’t anymore do this to myself. I may appear fine, but that doesn’t guarantee that I don’t experience breakdowns at night. Just because I’m good enough at hiding the ache of my wounds, doesn’t mean they don’t hurt. I’ve been trying so hard to keep my sadness from getting attention, but this time I’m letting it out.

I’m letting it all out.

Yes, I’m not okay.

I don’t want anyone to feel the pain I’m battling inside — to the point that I’ve been isolating myself. I’ve been shutting doors to people who actually care about me, the people whom I feel like I don’t even deserve having. I don’t want to be too happy, knowing that one triggering move is all it takes to shatter everything, to shatter me…to reveal the brokenness that I so desperately kept from defining who I am.

I don’t want to lose hope that I can still have the right to be happy, but the only way I was handling all the pain is to find comfort in sadness and call it home.

It’s toxic. It’s never going to work. I can’t anymore reside in this mess.

I’ve already had too much of this toxicity and it’s about time that I start getting away from all sorts of it. I’ve been thinking too much. I’ve been pretty hard on myself lately. Right now, I just can’t afford anymore to settle as the victim of my self-damaging thoughts and the seemingly unmanageable circumstances set out for me.

I never wanted to be stuck in the pain, so I keep on reminding myself that the only way out is through. There would not be healing without feeling every inch of the pain before letting it all go. Yes, it may take longer, but what’s important is that I won’t have to take healing by force.

Now, I strongly believe that it’s okay not to appear strong sometimes. Strength is overrated. Sometimes, at the seemingly weakest point is the strongest point one can ever see a fighter.

It’s okay not to be okay. Sometimes, a breakdown has to occur before a breakthrough.

It’s okay to ask for help. It is a sign of strength and having a strong will to let healing be at work in one’s life. No one is ever meant to fight alone.

It’s okay to think about one’s self. It is never a sin to put one’s self first, given that there is a right to. It’s just human to do it anyway.

It’s okay to allow pain to be felt. The moment I let go, I shall realize that I would stay restless until I find the growth that I need.

I would never settle at something that’s keeping me from growing. I would unceasingly have a passion for self-transformation and a desire to move forward. I would consistently look for an avenue for growth and the opportunity to pursue the best.

I don’t have to wait on growth…to wait on making a change. I need to learn that I don’t have to wait for everything to fall into the perfect places before I start moving. I don’t have to wait for everything to align for my sake because living a more purposeful life is a matter of creating the right decisions and proper actions when the conditions work against me, as they most likely do.

Everything is dynamic. Things are meant to change. There is always something I need to let go of.

There is always something I need to stop holding on to in order to set myself free. I now know that the best freedom is the one I give to myself when I begin to accept that there are a lot of changes beyond my control. The things I don’t want to change are the ones that might change, while the things I want to change are the ones that might not. Nevertheless, there is always a transforming grace that would suffice for a heavy heart and all the worries carried by it.

At the same time, there is always something waiting to be pursued. There is always a dream waiting to be chased. There are always countless lessons that are meant to give me hope and to transform me into a genuine lover of life. There are always a lot of people and experiences that are waiting on me and are preparing to set my soul on fire.

I can never pursue all of them without first acknowledging all the pain I’ve been feeling. I can never move forward without the courage to create a powerful story. I can only start a constant journey towards growth when I know myself enough to know exactly what I want and how I want to have it.

Pursuing the best is easy. Wanting to pursue the best is the hard part. I can never pursue something unless I am moved by a passion for growth.

The difficulty of life has taught me that everything comes season by season. There are good, bad, and empty days. What’s important is to acknowledge every moment and feeling that comes with lessons. They reveal a lot about where I’m meant to grow and who I’m meant to be. This is how I am being led to where I belong. This is how I am gaining courage to pursue not the easy, but only the best.

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