I forgot to write my Fourth of July excrement to the interwebs yesterday. Here it is, a day late and a dollar short.
When you turn fifty in America, you are old. When you turn fifty-five you are too old and should consider dying to make room for the next generation of revenue-producing units. It’s the patriotic thing to do.
Hear me out on this.
When you turn fifty-five, the human resources department is looking for a legal way to get rid of you despite what they say about you having vital experience. You’re making too much money, you don’t go to as many training classes as they think you should, you are not as mobile with that family and mortgage anchoring you down and you are starting to contribute a whole lot more to the 401(k) than they had planned for matching funds. They will lay you off in a heartbeat and you will not be able to find another job. Ever. Not in this economy.
When you turn fifty-five, the health insurance premiums for the plan you had to buy on your own because your employer could no longer afford to provide benefits will double over last year. Your out-of-pocket health care costs will also go up and you will start racking up pre-existing conditions, previously making you ineligible for any other insurance, but still those ACA plans, ouch! But you only have ten more years to go to qualify for Medicare, so maybe… oh, wait, they are going to raise that to seventy.
By the time you are fifty-five, you should have already produced at least one, maybe two future revenue-generating units for the corporate consumer machine. They were far more expensive than you thought they would be, but you’ve put off saving for retirement until they finished school and left. You are now ready to front-load your 401(k) and mutual fund portfolio…
But wait! CNN tells you that you have only about a 30% chance of outliving your retirement plan at the rate you’re going. Oh, sure you’ve helped fuel the economy by having kids, buying a larger house than you could afford, paying for their tuition and feeding and clothing them, but now, you are on the taking end of the economy. Whoa, there! Your country frowns on those who take out of the system, regardless of much you’ve contributed in.
Business wants your money. They tell you this all the time by marketing to Boomers. But they don’t want you actually working for them, drawing a salary and sucking up the benefits. Heck, those young Millennial brats will work for half what you need and still think it a fortune. Thank God Walmart hires old people as greeters. Oh, you can’t stand for eight hours a day because your sciatica has been acting up? You should go see a doctor about that. Insurance? Man, that’s tough luck buddy.
The business of America is business and you are standing in the way when you start getting old. Man up and die off when you hit fifty-five! Your country needs you to make that sacrifice to help reduce the unemployment rate and the federal deficit all at the same time. Moreover, you are likely to have life insurance and your kids could sure use that money to prop up retail sales.
Have you lost hope yet? Really? The great United States of America does not need its future derailed by negative-thinking pinheads like you. Is you or is you ain’t a patriot?
Time to decide.
Happy 2016 Fourth of July, all you Americans (and the good folks in Rebild, Denmark! 🇩🇰 Next year, I promise.) Right about now, you may be regretting that excessive amount of red meat you stuffed into your system over the holiday weekend that the American health care system will probably have to deal with eventually. Here’s hoping you make it to 55 with some economic viability left. SKOL!
Oh, ferchrissake, people. I am in no way advocating suicide. Don’t do that. But you should just give up, die of loneliness, a broken will, a loss of purpose. Is it suicide to just give up and give out? Is it suicide to have had the will to live beaten out of your soul by a heartless capitalist system disguised as democracy? Is it more patriotic to step aside and let others be used by capitalism… I mean democracy… or remain stalwart in a job where you are secretly not wanted? Give up, give in, die because you have lost the will to live. But don’t hasten the process. Ok?