Dear potential client, a few things you should know about me right from the git-go

This was in my drafts far too long… what the hell, I hit publish.

Dear Client,

Before we start working together, there are a few things you should know about me. Please take these to heart as I am not likely to change because of you. I’m too old, have seen too many clients promising opportunity in exchange for discounts and have spent a long time honing the skills I am willing to use to support your needs to waste time negotiating my working style with you. Either we fit or we don’t. If not, move along sooner than later and we’ll not waste each other’s time.

- I am opinionated on things you hire me to do. That is why you hired me and aren’t doing it yourself. If you need just a pair of hands, you should post your job on the gig boards. We’ll both be happier.

- I do not like wasting time dancing around guessing what you’re thinking. If you want a red Pantone 200 in your logo, say so from the beginning.

- I do not react well to hidden agendas. If you have one, stow it and use it on some other idiot, preferably one who works in the office next to you.

- Do not empower me to design and then hand me a sketch of what you wanted all along.

- I am and will be difficult. Really, it is for your own good. If you do not have the strength and commitment of your ideas to defend them to the death or blurting out crap like “I’m paying you, so just do it,” you are telling me you just haven’t thought things through.

- I have a very dry sense of humor. Live with it.

- I have emotional reactions to things because I am a human being. Emotions are perfectly normal and I will not go through the exercise of trying to legitimize my like or dislike of something with a rationalization. I don’t expect you to either.

- Honesty, integrity and character mean more to me than money. But, paying on time shows all three.

- There are hundreds of thousands of other people who can do what I do. Most don’t do it as well or with the level of commitment I have. But, if I make you angry enough to leave, you are free to go and put any one of them out of business. It saves me the trouble of doing it myself with your finished job in my portfolio.

- I am damn good at merging creative with technology and human behavior. I watch, read and learn beyond the average techie dude. Trust that and we’re fine. Inject your own expertise from what your spouse or brother-in-law tells you and we’re not going to work together.

- I am not motivated by money, so don’t treat me like a common hooker. I am expensive, though, but far cheaper in the long run than not paying me.

That’s pretty much it.

How can I help you?