A Year Experimenting With Polyamory
And the five things I learnt along the way
Over a year ago, I decided to embark on a journey — no, not the kind where you chuck on a backpack, buy a one-way ticket and take selfies for your Instagram account. I’m in my 30s and already checked that one off the list. This was a different kind of journey, one where I would be experimenting with how I could be in intimate relationships — an experiment in polyamory, or consensual non-monogamy (CNM).
The funny thing is that, in many ways, it wasn’t my intention to jump onto the poly-bandwagon. Like you, I am a social animal, and when I found myself with a group of friends who were all “poly”, it just seemed natural for me to try it myself. My relationship with John* lasted for exactly one year. In that time, I read The Ethical Slut, Polysecure and dug around the Polyamory Weekly podcast. I learnt about Metamours, consent, boundaries, jealousy, relationship agreements and more! And I also learnt a whole lot about relationships in general, and what I didn’t want in a relationship. Read on, my friends…
1. Polyamorous Relationships Are No Different To Monogamous Relationships, They Are Built On Trust
When I first embarked on this journey and entered into a relationship with John I had a beginner’s mind. I assumed that I was clueless about relationships and that he would be more educated than I on this front (because he had tried it before and must therefore be more versed than I). I was wrong. I had incorrectly dismissed my life’s experience of monogamous relationships because I felt like I was trying something new. But as someone who has been in their fair share of serious, committed long term relationships, I quickly remembered that all relationships are built on a foundation of trust. And when I say all, I mean all.
When non-poly people talk about polyamory, they might assume that people are just sleeping around cheating on their partners. But this isn’t true. The main difference between mono vs poly is that in the prior there is an unsaid agreement that one does not have intimate relationships with other people. In the latter, this isn’t the case, but what is the case is that the conditions of these encounters are discussed and agreed upon to maintain trust.
If you sleep with someone that breaks a relationship agreement, that is a betrayal of trust. That is cheating.
This, I found out the hard way. In my case, there was a misunderstanding between us on what our agreement entailed, which leads me to the second lesson.
2. Have Explicit Non-Ambiguous Relationship Agreements
I think it’s fucken so awkward to bring up relationship agreements and “check-ins” when I’m in, or about to enter, an intimate relationship with someone. I mean, talk about killing the chemistry. Scene: I meet someone new and literally want to pounce him, but in the first conversation we have, I share that I am also seeing someone else because I believe in building trust and upholding our agreements. Eck, so unsexy. And yet, so incredibly necessary, ethical, and emotionally mature to do so.
Agreements should not be ambiguous, and both parties should encourage the other to ask for clarification or even throw in a few examples to ensure the agreement is understood properly. Additionally, you should share why the agreement is important to you.
For example: “It would be helpful for me to know when you sleep with someone else before it happens because I would feel blindsided to find out afterwards. In the past, when I have felt blindsided, it has really hurt my feelings. I want to feel trusted that I can hold any uncomfortable feelings that might arise and still want to be in a relationship with you.”
Some examples of agreements could be:
- We agree that we will tell each other at the earliest practical time that we have slept with or started seeing someone else.
- We agree that we will try and see each other at least once a fortnight to commit to our relationship.
- We agree that when we feel like we are falling in love with someone else, we tell each other as soon as we become aware of these feelings.
In the book The Ethical Slut, they share even more explicit agreements, for example:
- We agree that you will only see person X on these days, and you won’t have sex with them in our bed.
I mean, ultimately, these agreements are between you and your partner so don’t feel like it has to be something specific you read on the internet or book. It’s whatever feels right for you — but in order for good agreements to be created, it also entails each person in the relationship to have done some work on becoming self-aware, especially around their attachment styles, relationship patterns and general needs to feel secure.
It’s also important to remember that agreements are not rigid because we are not rigid, so make time to reflect on them and change/adapt as needed.
3. Poly Relationships Within The Same Circle Of Friends Can Get Complicated
I’ve never dated anyone previously where I was enmeshed in their friendship group and vice versa. In some ways, I felt lucky because when the relationships didn’t work out, I walked away with my friends and them with theirs. It felt like a clean break. In a circle of friends where many solos and partnered people are poly, things can get a lot more complicated. For me, I noticed my heightened anxiety around sharing my partner/s with friends and the other way around, possibly wanting to be in a relationship with my partner’s friends. This was some muddy and unknown territory that I was entering into.
I learnt that although this is not a situation most people would want to find themselves in (as my friend Annie said, “this sounds like a recipe for disaster”) — what I’ve learnt is that it is possible. It just takes a lot of energy, commitment and perseverance from all parties. And the keywords here are all parties. The problem arises when not all parties in the constellation of relationships want to engage or invest energy into the polycule. (Yes, polycule). Then one or more people are left with unresolved tensions.
For example — I found it really difficult to get to know my metamour (my partner’s partner). I went to great lengths to reach out, spend time with her and find common ground so that we could get to know each other. This is a simple way of dispelling jealousy and bringing everyone in the relationship closer and feeling more secure. Unfortunately, we never reached a point where I felt safe enough to share more about myself (and vice versa), which I see as a real missed opportunity for growth. I felt that I was pulling a lot of the weight in building a connection, and eventually, I lost interest in trying.
On the flip slide, I am still close friends with people I have shared partners with because both myself and said friend wanted to retain our friendship and made time and energy for this. So it is about the willingness to go through the mess and muck together and break out the other side.
The other lesson here to be cautious of is being conscious of why you want to sleep with a friend’s friend. Again, I don’t feel like this is any different to questions one would ask themselves in a monogamous relationship. For myself, I am sexually attracted to many of the men in my circles, but I don’t feel like I need to have an itched scratched for the sake of it unless it could lead to a more serious encounter. Because ultimately, see above point 2. Those itches getting scratched may require more effort and energy to untangle. Even the most woke-polys might have to grapple with their newfound relationship with you if you have slept with their partner (read: conversations need to be had in order to be a considerate human being, is it worth the effort?). For those that just want to scratch their itch but are unwilling to put in the effort of managing their relationships — to you, I say: Good Luck.
4. If You’re Jealous, You’ll Stay Jealous, But That’s Okay
The fourth lesson I learnt was that jealousy and anxiety don’t exactly go away. There was a part of me that was hoping by really pushing myself to this edge and feeling these emotions, they would somehow disappear from my life—kind of like that psychology method of exposing people to phobia’s until they become desensitised to it.
Once I become attached to a relationship, I definitely experience anxiety and jealousy. However, the interesting thing in this experiment was that I didn’t stay anxious and jealous. It came in waves. As a historically anxiously-attached person, I learnt more about how to address and soothe my anxious needs than how to eliminate them — the latter, of course, is unhealthy. But these lessons were tremendously helpful because in monogamous relationships I had fewer opportunities to develop good self-soothing and regulation strategies for myself, and tensions would sometimes build to breaking points.
In any type of relationship when my partner meets my needs by making me feel valued, respected and spending quality time with me (my love language), naturally, my anxieties and jealousies died away. So, even after John told me he had slept with someone else (and upheld our agreement), it was nowhere near as difficult as being completely ignored, which was eventually the straw that broke the camel’s back. Not hearing from my partner for weeks on end and not having text messages replied lifted my anxiety to new levels that any discomforts from jealousy felt like a papercut in comparison. I literally even wanted to hear that he was in a relationship with someone else rather than no news at all.
Ultimately what broke it down for me was:
When I don’t feel valued or trusted. When my partner is not attentive to my needs I no longer feel like I wanted to be in a partnership.
And again, that is no different to any monogamous relationship. Polyamory or not, one still needs to feel valued. One still needs to feel secure in the love. One might still feel jealous, but that can be easily buffered in the right conditions.
5. I Can Be Poly Or Not As Long As I Love Myself
The last lesson I learnt was that I could absolutely be polyamorous or not. It doesn’t matter as long as I love myself. And that kind of self-love looks like demanding the respect that I believe I deserve in life and looking for someone (or people) that can complement my needs. I know I can be loyal to one person and I also know that I enjoy the freedom and the option of meeting new people.
What’s important is that in every intimate relationship I enter into, I bring honesty, authenticity and a willingness to do the work — or leave if it no longer serves me.
I entered this experiment over a year ago completely naive. I let some of my boundaries be deliberately crossed at the expense of “finding myself spiritually”, and I did find myself. I found the boundaries that ground me in self-love and self-respect in the process. I learnt more about being in a healthy relationship in this failed one than in any previous monogamous relationship. And I got confident speaking about the stuff that matters — the difficult conversations about needs, anxieties, past woundings or triggers and how we can support each other. Asking to be heard. Asking for trust. Giving trust.
I got confident knowing what real honesty and vulnerability can look and feel like. And I got confident in that one relationship that continues to matter: me.
*name changed