Rethink the Word “Relationship.” It Could Save Your Life.
Your most important relationships aren’t the ones you think.
What comes to mind when you hear the word “relationship?”If you’re like most Westerners, chances are you’re picturing a romantic partnership. You’re probably visualizing two people practicing monogamy, unless the words “open” or “polyamorous” were added in front. Which is basically the equivalent of saying “basketball” and “women’s basketball.” Because normal basketball is played by men. Duh.
Some other things we typically associate with relationships are cohabitation, shared finances, maybe some kids. We tend to think of our couple friends as units. And why shouldn’t we? They’re inseparable.
Now that they’re dating, it’s not “just Mike” and “just Ashley.” It’s MikeandAshley. If you want to tell Mike something privately, you better explicitly tell him not to bring her. Forget this critical step and next thing you know you’ll be lamenting about your performance issues with the girl from acro yoga while Ashley pretends to be too engrossed in her Tik Tok feed and half-priced mimosa to hear what you’re saying.
Are romantic relationships the key to happiness?
Popular culture sure wants us to think so. The idea is rammed down all of our throats from birth. Disney movies, Ed Sheeran, 90 Day Fiancé, our really convoluted interpretation of Shakespeare — everything points to romantic love as the ultimate aspirational achievement of interpersonal relationships.
Find your soulmate, they say, and you’ll live happily ever after. I mean, I guess it worked for Shrek.
Let’s ignore the obvious dangers of placing the fate of your lifelong happiness in the hands of, well, fate. Let’s ignore the fact that thinking of your partner as your soulmate can severely hurt your relationship. Let’s also ignore the fact that using an animated ogre with questionable decision-making skills as a role model probably isn’t a recipe for success in your love life.
Casting all of this aside, why have we, as a culture, labeled people as either “in a relationship” or “lonely?” We’re literally saying that a monogamous romantic partnership is the only way to fulfill the human need for companionship. It’s absurd. And it’s not fair to place that burden all on one person.
Instead, we need to nurture multiple relationships, which can be a problem when…
Our culture values “romance” over friendship.
Let’s examine a little phrase all of us are familiar with: “more than friends.” Seems innocuous, right? But doesn’t it suggest that romantic relationships are of a higher order than friendships?
“More than friends” is just a shitty way of saying “my infatuation with you means I value you substantially more than people I’m not attracted to.”
Yikes.
Let’s be real. You wouldn’t “fall in love” with someone you’re not attracted to. But you’d be friends with them. You’d confide in them. Hold them when they’re sad. Encourage them to pursue their dreams. Pressure them into filming themselves belting out old school Taylor Swift lyrics on a road trip (no? Just me?). You just wouldn’t fuck them. Does that make the relationship any less meaningful? Is that person less valuable because you’re not having sex with them?
Society says that’s the case.
But that belief can kill you.
Romantic relationships are great. But placing them on a pedestal above all other forms of human connection is downright dangerous. Seriously, it can cut your life shorter.
Studies have found that as we age, friendships become even more important to our health than all other relationships — even those with family. In fact, at all ages, having close friends is more important to our health than exercising or even quitting smoking. (That’s not a justification for smoking, damnit!)
According to studies, we should have three to five close friends (people we can confide in). Sure, one or more of these can also be a lover. But can you really get closer to someone than sharing full trust? What’s more intimate than being totally open and vulnerable with someone?
Yeah, sex hormones are great. They’re designed to help us bond. But that bond isn’t automatically deeper than those we develop outside the bedroom. In fact, it’s more likely to be an illusion. Gotta keep the species going, ya know?
So let’s rethink the word “relationship.”
The next time you hear someone use the word “relationship,” think about what it means to you. We should all have a multitude of relationships in our lives: some with friends, some with family, some romantic, some business. Some just for debating whether Yoda or Thanos would win in a UFC fight. You get the idea.
We all need human connection, but relying on a single romantic relationship to fulfill all of those needs is ineffective and unfair to your partner. Oh, and it’s gonna make you die sooner.
So make friends (3–5 of them; come on, that’s totally doable), make love, and share an abundance of care and support with those who are close to you.
Even if you aren’t fucking them.
