February 27, 2019
Good evening and welcome to whatever show will have me…
The big story today is another pointless manufactured political stunt designed to distract from important issues…but enough about the Trump Kim Vietnam summit!
Across the world, Trump and Kim tugged each other off — it’s called a Hanoi Handy — Bob Kraft’s favorite…
But the giant juicy New York matzoh ball of the day was of course the Michael Cohen testimony in front of the House Oversight Committee, led by an old Maryland hard shell crab, Representative Elijah Cummings.
Poor Elijah Cummings — he was audibly sick throughout the day. He coughed up almost as much bile as Republicans spewed.
Clearly, nothing makes Republicans angrier than when a former Trump loyalist has a change of heart…well maybe a change of gender.
Today felt like a national holiday. Trump didn’t control the news and is in another hemisphere which is cause for celebration. And let’s face it, nobody got shit done at the office today. Every few minutes everyone at their desks shouted “Ohhhh damnnnn!” It’s like the first two days of the NCAA basketball tournament with more upsets.
In case you missed it, Cohen went full Coen brothers on Trump in his testimony! Axe to the face and into the wood chipper! It was brutal if not new. Cohen called Trump a racist, a cheat, a con man, a liar, a fraud. He dished on Trump’s exaggerated net worth, inflated real estate holdings, tiny penis.
[Cohen Voice] Mister Trump is not nice. He’s not truthful. And worse, he’s not circumcised.
But as Republicans claimed — Cohen himself is a liar! How can we believe — what’s that — oh he held up a signed check for felony bribery that Trump signed while President? Hmm yeah that’s not good.
Okay so the fixer claims to be fixed. But how can you expect Republicans to believe in second chances. Rebirths, if you will. It’s not like they’re Evangelical Christians — what’s that — Ohio Representative Jim Jordan is an Evangelical Christian.
Ah yes Jim Jordan and Mark Meadows of North Carolina — Trump’s two main henchmen on the House Oversight Committee — the Bebop and Rocksteady to Trump’s Shredder. And you know when it comes to evidence, Trump is The Shredder.
Mark Meadows emotionally and dramatically proved once and for all that Trump is not a racist by…literally using a black Trump supporter as a prop. Which proves the old motto: Racism — let’s ask the old white guy from North Carolina.
Remember that Gangnam Style song by that one hit wonder PSY? Michael Cohen is like PSY’s manager who dumped him after Gangnam Style was played out. He’s like, “Look, I get it. I sold this garbage to you. I blasted this shit on repeat. I got caught up in the YouTube views. I did the stupid dance. I was an asshole. It was irresponsible. But trust me, I know PSY better than any one of you. And this is all he’s got. You guys can keep listening, or waiting for another hit, but at this point it’s pretty embarrassing.”
Republicans insisted that this is a waste of taxpayer money and Congress has better things to do. Then all of a sudden a guy stood up and said, “Um hi remember me? My name’s Ben. Benghazi.”
Making an appearance was Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the star freshman Democrat who liberals love and Republicans hate to admit they jerk off to…
When she asked Cohen who else might know about potential Trump insurance fraud, he named Allen Weisselberg, Ron Lieberman, and…Matthew Calamari. The entire Trump organization is filled with the Jewiest Jews and greasiest Italians. It’s a giant pizza bagel.
The word “oversight” has two definitions: 1) the failure to notice or do something and 2) the action of overseeing something. Turns out Americans voted for number two!
