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What I Learned In My Darkest Hour

TL;DR @mariommontreal

That you should not kill yourself.

2007 was the first time I experienced emptiness — I was 13 years young, was bullied in school, shy and socially anxious, had few to no (real) friends, suicide urges, on top.

Video games, 90s/early 2000s hip-hop music, and playing and watching football kept me going. (As well as selecting Kimi Räikkönen and Scott Mescudi as role models to study.)

It lasted until my graduation six years later in 2013.

A gap year abroad (traveling from Germany to Australia) changed everything… Because I changed everything I’d done up to that point. I learned to fight for myself.

That was the lesson I “learned” in my darkest hour.

To fight for yourself.

You have no other choice but to fight for yourself.

No one is going to do it for you.

No one can do it for you.

Even if you’re lucky like me and you have loving parents… they, too, can’t help you figure this out. (Especially if they haven’t figured it out in their own lives yet; no dig intended.)

My advice to my younger self:

  • Stop being so damn serious about everything
  • Start reading books about human behavior and communication; while on commute, listen to inspirational audiobooks or a positive podcast. Don’t waste your precious time.
  • Good job that you chose role models and celebrated their wins
  • Learn how to handle your addictions; that is, porn, alcohol, social media, video games
  • Thanks for staying optimistic despite the circumstances

Last but not least:

Live your life how you want to.

Never give up — and never give up your values and integrity.

For anything.

This article was first published on 27 May, 2021 on



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Bilingual writer, multilayered man & podcast host of “MONTREALISM.” More at: