Moral Harassment Healing Series: Escaping from the Abuser
Whenever you decide to escape, it’s the right decision. The earlier the better, but some of us stay exposed to abuse for years. Most empath personalities have learned to be polite and nice to people. We have always been told that keeping in touch is the best strategy in life. With the abuser, it is NOT the case. You need to demolish the virtual prison built around you by saying NO, FOREVER & GOING AWAY. You have nothing to lose. Don’t expect the abuser to speak highly of you — they will spread dirty rumors, just be sure. If they ever share anything good about you, this will be yet another lie used to charm or keep the new victim.
Disclamer. This series is written by a moral harassment survivor, not a psychologist.
Accept your addiction
You are not happy in the abusive environment, however, escape feels like death. You may even think that there’s nothing left in your potential life without the abuser. Emptiness… All your life has been entangled with the predator’s tentacles. The aggressor seems to be everywhere, your world is full of triggering reminders about them. This is how they destroy their victims: they try to steal your soul — they simply leave no room for yourself in your life. This is scary, and if you dare to escape, your soul will have scars. Accept your addiction. Stay aware of the Stockholm syndrome. Accept the scars. It’s better to make this jump to the abyss for the sake of freedom.
Prepare for Escape
So you have made this tough decision, and you’re ready to reclaim your life back by escaping. Prepare for it secretly. If you are living with your abuser, make sure you don’t depend on their money (or at least have a shelter ready to provide you with accommodation & food until you land a job and find a rental flat, etc.). If you do depend on them, think of changing this for the sake of escaping — i.e. create a secret bank account of your own. You need to fund your own life — selling your freedom for dirty money isn’t the best idea. Economical abuse is abuse, don’t think that you’re rubbish or property to be used. You’re a human.
List all resources you have, including help you can get from your friends, relatives, the police, charity organizations, etc. When the abuser is not around, try calling everyone trustworthy who can help you, and clarify things with them. Try using someone else’s phone for this — predators are paranoids, they might be tracking your emails and phone calls to keep you enslaved.
Make up a plan — if you have trustworthy and wise friends, leverage their advice on how to escape and support yourself financially to meet your basic needs. If your abuser can damage your career and reputation, think of what you can do to protect yourself from their lies and rumors. In most cases being your brilliant self is enough. However, you might want to prepare a collection of alternative recommendations and find good-natured references who will not try to ruin your life. (The abuser will do so, especially if they promised the opposite!) You need to sound and act sane at all times, despite the predator’s attacks. Prepare your own chain of facts for every defaming lie & keep calm. You deal with someone insane, use humor and remember that wise people understand who you are and who the predator is.
Act Fast & Beat Your Doubt
Pull yourself together and act. Escape. Take all the necessary things with you at once. Do not try to make the aggressor softer with your ATTEMPTS to leave them — with each new circle they will add more torture and humiliation. Do not leave anything important to you in their house — you are NOT going to be back. Many victims said “I just need to collect my things” — and were killed or severely beaten. Even if you haven’t experienced physical abuse yet, it’s just a matter of time — aggressors need more and more perverted pleasure. They’re all cruel sadists, your unhappy look makes them feel good, and they would rather see you beaten, miserable, or even dead. If they know you’re going to leave them, they won’t regret it — you’ll have to face their rage. So just go away without goodbye meetings, calls, or messages.
Send a Closure Email If Needed
However, there’s one case when you might need to notify them formally asking them to never disturb you again. (DON’T SEND THIS EMAIL UNTIL YOU ARE IN A SAFE PLACE!) If you need evidence for the court, police, anti-harassment organization, shelter, etc., yeah, please do email the predator and let them know that your relationship is over. This might help you to get a formal police direction for your abuser who might need a reminder from a powerful third party that you want to be alone. Something to share with your lawyer and anti-harassment organization, too. This is a formal closure of your relationship, every contact attempt taken after your formal request to not disturb you is an act of harassment. It’s illegal almost everywhere in the world.
Go No Contact
It is even more important than your escape. To the abuser, you are a property they have lost. And they want you back to their harem / prison / valetry, not because they need you — they need to feel great possessing you. You’re their supply to pull resources from. They will get back to you multiple times. Their requests will be stupid and strange, they will waste tons of words to persuade you that you’ve lost the best and most loving person in your life. For them it is vital to see the reflection of themselves in the mirror of you. They will get you back at any cost — this is why no contact is the best way to protect yourself.
Why? If you are back to the abuser, they will torture you 2x more, 10x more — because they had to go down on their knees to re-conquer you. What’s in the end? Maybe they’ll kill you. Maybe you’ll take your life. Maybe you’ll die of cancer or be hospitalized with incurable mental issues. Do not check what exactly the predator has for you. They carry no joy or gifts, only destruction & death.
Get Support
You will need not just food for your body, you will also need someone dear to have your back. Develop new friendships — you may find many supportive souls in the abuse survivor groups. You need someone to talk to — you’ll feel terribly lonely without the aggressor. It’s due to hormones (you’ve got addicted to high adrenaline — it’s not “true love”, it’s just unhealthy neural ties to be broken with time). However, the trauma bond will hurt you, be prepared for suffering from isolation. Don’t give up — a bad person has hurt you, but there’re good people who will heal you. Celebrate everyone distracting you from your past. You need a future filled with new friends, projects, etc.
Escape is a win. The abuser will torture you to death, suicide or insanity, so move on!
A property, a resource, a supply… I’m sure you don’t fancy any of these roles.
This dark soul doesn’t deserve your love, friendship, devotion, etc.
They need an expert therapist, not you. Let someone stand their tricks for money, LOL!
