How to Identify an Abuser? Spot Exploiters!
Why do abusers invest so much effort in diminishing and devaluing others? For pleasure? Yes. Another big thing is exploitation. (Normally, we want to get paid for what can be called “work”. We want money or a promotion, a raise in payment, a career advancement. We want growth and positive change in return. We want something more substantial than just “thanks, it’s nice of you” said to us on the go. In other words, we want our efforts to be paid off fairly. Adequate compensation, deserved outcome, progress? Don’t expect anything in return from a predator, even their gratitude will consist of lies, envy and pathetic words.)
Aggressors expect us to serve them being our best selves and getting as little as possible in return. If they told us what they expect openly, we would laugh at them and never considered their proposal of work, marriage, friendship, etc. “You will bring everything to the table, and I will enjoy the dinner not sharing it with you!” — how would you react to this? Laughter, yes! This is why predators need abuse to exploit us. Being abused, a person becomes blind to exploitation and may even think that the predator’s punishment, neglect and harassing behavior are well-justified. Aggressors do lots of things to distract us from daily exploitation.
Disclaimer. This blog post is written by a former victim, not a psychology genius.
Unfair criticism and endless rework requests
Regardless of how well you have completed your tasks, the predator will criticize you and find only drawbacks to make you feel miserable. Moreover, the abuser will focus on what you have done wrong “forgetting” the 98% you have done right. This is a manipulation to make you top yourself next time despite the fact that you performed good enough at the start. Exhausting for you, but amusing for the abuser. You’re their Cinderella to play with.
Rework requests make you produce variations of the same document, design, etc. If the predator can use them all, they will ask you rework things again and again. This is the way to make you work overtime with zero additional payments — officially, you are working on your failures. Don’t be surprised too much seeing the abuser gaining something thanks to the parts and pieces of your work deliverables once rated “poor”. They were called “bad” to keep you controlled.
Partial payments
If someone is never paid and just exploited, the abuser will not be able to keep this person beside them for long. So they will pay for what they managed to pull from their victim, but partially. If it’s a contractual work, the predator will pay for what’s listed in the contract assuming that all the rest they hinted or asked you for via their servants is your initiative and will therefore remain unpaid because it was you, not them arranging all this.
If it’s a love affair, you will starve emotionally for long periods and get some scarce compliments or short face time, which will enable the abuser to tell everyone that you were treated well. (Yes, you’ll be scapegoated as the heartless and ungrateful person). Anyway, you’ll be the one investing a lot and getting a penny in return, either in terms of money or in terms of emotional services.
“You’re on a mission” lies
All greedy and abusive exploiters feed the victim with promises of bright future. They say that they are building heaven on Earth or transform a tank into a plane on the go. In the meantime, their people should sacrifice their lives to the great times coming. In reality, these bright times never come, and the predator knows it better than anyone. However, the abuser will sell the “great mission” to all their victims.
From the aggressor’s viewpoint, people on a mission are not supposed to have rest or get paid for extra work. They are supposed to be happy with the greatness of what they contribute to. Don’t trust this — it’s today when you should have your most wonderful time, tomorrow never comes. If you are consistently promised to be fairly paid, promoted etc., but tomorrow, please be sure — this will never happen. There’s no mission that can justify exploitation.
“We’re close people” lies
Would you charge your friend for pouring them a cup of coffee in a hotel lobby? Surely not. Would you ask for payment while being your friend’s secretary? Certainly yes, though you might make your friend a discount when discussing the compensation. Predators know that people tend to do more for their friends, that’s why they pretend to be your friends or even ask for friendship openly. The worst of them can even imitate a fake love relationship to victimize and exploit someone with good brains, network, vision, or work ethics. They may even harass you sexually to make their “wild love” for you look more persuasive.
Abusers will even organize bonding events to keep you hooked and rationalizing things in their favor. Well, Hitler also gave dinners — everyone can do the same, it isn’t true friendship. Your best people will have your back and be there for you when you need them most. (While the aggressor will enjoy seeing you miserable and needy…)
With a predator, you’ll feel uneasy even while bonding. All the bad, cruel and dirty jokes in front of others are their attempts to probe the ground. They want to check out how much evil you will tolerate and for how long they can potentially exploit you in their usual sadistic manner.
How to avoid the abuser’s exploitation traps?
Count the return on investment. This may sound inhuman to you as predators pretend to be your friends before they stab you in the back. Nevertheless, if you have a feeling of being used for free or underpaid with good excuses, sit down and count your contribution and what you got back. You’ll be amazed by how much you give away for free assuming that the aggressor will notice your devotion. They know about it but they will never pay for any extra things you do for them. Moreover, they have made effort to develop an addiction in you, they fool you and enjoy their superiority. Get enraged and go away, you have the right to do so.
Track manipulations aimed at exploitation. I mentioned lots of them on this Medium publication. The predator will start with small steps aimed at controlling you, gradually making your life unbearable (slavery sucks). If someone is fooling you with their fluff, be sure — they will not bring you any good. Once you have discovered any major discrepancy, think of escaping. What will follow, will destroy your mental health.
Ask for honest, non-public feedback in private conversations. Come to people who used to communicate with that person before dealing with the predator who is obviously obsessed by you (in fact they are obsessed by what you can give them while being exploited…) Don’t rely on anything publicly available — predators polish every piece of info going public.
Their former friends, lovers, employees definitely are not just unhappy — they will either remain 100% silent or share jaw-dropping facts about exploitation. BTW, when the abuser sends you to their exes, it’s an attempt to probe the ground. If you are told disgusting things and are still loyal to them, they will add more torture soon.
Ignore everything coming from the predator. The best & shortest advice: ignore them, block them and avoid them. They will pop up here & there enraged by your “no, never again”. Don’t get hooked — betrayal remains betrayal, lies remain lies. Predators never change — this is why they prefer to change the people around them.
Respect yourself, go with your head held high, and mind your dignity at all times. This helps!
P.S. Later I will start my healing series for those who want to recover after moral harassment. Every mental/emotional abuse survivor will be able to comment or DM me.
