How to identify an abuser? Track every unwanted touch…
Psychologists say that our “relatives-only” distance is like 50 cm (around 2 feet). Everyone else should get your explicit consent for getting closer. Abusers ignore this rule as they see everyone else as their {potential} property. To them, this world looks like a large shop of humans whom they can touch and buy with their manipulations and promises. This may sound shocking, but only law and fear of punishment keep the predators away from using or destroying your body openly. They simply don’t feel that you are a person and belong to yourself, not them.
Being well-aware of the fact that harassment is illegal, aggressors still seek and invent the ways to get body contact because they like breaking the rules. Due to their inability to love and have healthy emotional affections, predators play the forbidden game of forcing others to love them. Aggressors use every touch as a means of entertainment and manipulation, as people with empathy may consider it a sign of deep love going beyond all barriers. First shocked by an unwanted touch, the victim starts listening to the aggressor’s version of why this touch was so necessary or unavoidable, and stays blind to the fact of violence. So the victim remains used while the predator feels amused.
Disclaimer. This blog post is written by a former victim, not a psychology genius.
A “Necessary” Touch
The aggressors enjoy the opportunity to touch you having a good excuse. For example, they might say that they need to check the quality of fabric of your clothes that looks good (or awful!) to them. Alternatively, they might tell you that the crowd in the public transport made them touch you. Another situation that looks ideal to predator is a sudden and super short touch made by chance so they could gaslight you that they have never done it. (In an elevator, yeah…) This is double violence — touching you and making you doubt whether you experienced it at all.
A Sudden Act of Tenderness
Predators don’t have mature emotions, this is why they always need to play the role of someone kind, supportive and welcoming (which enrages them in their heart of hearts). They don’t feel this affection and have to constantly pretend that they have one. They live in a constant fear of the truth to be revealed. So they play their role very well sometimes adding those pats on your back, those touches on your shoulder, those arms around your waist. This is their way to both pretend a normal person and demonstrate to others that you are their property.
A Friendly Gesture
It is more difficult for a polite person to refuse to give someone a hug in front of friends, co-workers etc. Aggressors know it very well, so they create overly “warm” communities where hugs are encouraged. Being the only one refusing to hug others, you would put yourself in a vulnerable and awkward position — in fact, by doing so, you would demonstrate lack of trust and unfriendly attitude. So you have to accept it, whether you like it or not. Most people hate being isolated and start playing by the rules of the game that existed before they joined it.
The culture of hugs enables the aggressor to touch the victim whenever they want. They will do it in front of others, as in this case it looks a friendly hug, not an attempt of an unwanted body contact. At some point, you might offer a nod or a handshake, and the predator will hug you instead. To all witnesses, this will look like a sign of the aggressor’s friendly nature, not violence. In the meantime, the victim remains silent and feels uneasy because of the consent never given.
A Secret Touch
This is really tough, but I need to cover this as well. Predators organize situations around victims so they got a secret touch remaining unable to scream as the conditions are too embarrassing. For example, the victim and the predator might be sitting opposite or close to each other at one table surrounded by other people whose opinions are important to the victim. In this case, the predator will touch the victim under the table and know that this will happen in silence.
Same for other situations enabling the abuser to get closer to the victim, but in public and not leaving a victim any chance to see the aggressors hands or legs touching the victim’s body. The victim will panic, feel helpless and uneasy, but will not disclose anything because the cost is the reputation. Self-blaming also remains an issue in this case as victims often think that they provoke such behaviors in some way.
How to perceive the abusive touches and avoid them?
Every hug the aggressor gives you isn’t a normal hearty hug. That’s how they express their thirst for possessing humans. How would you treat a Master, who touches you as their property, a slave of theirs? Most likely, you would find all this disgusting and flee away to a group having more respect for other people’s body autonomy. This is the right answer and healthy reaction, leaving is just natural in such a situation.
The longer you tolerate it, the more your mental health will suffer. Remember: touch can also be a manipulative technique — most people have not enough body contact in their lives. Therefore, those who give them hugs are perceived as their friends, the tribe, at the subconscious level. You will have issues with being hostile to those who once hugged you. The aggressor will provide you with lots of reasons for being hostile, just be sure. They want to immune themselves against your protest by pulling extreme loyalty out of you. Do not hesitate to reject hugs from those who bring evil to your life. Keep the aggressor away.
