Moral Harassment Healing Series: Letting Your Guilt Go
“How could I be so stupid?” — this is the question we ask ourselves most often after abuse. Moral harassment is as painful as any other violence. Probably it’s even worse. It’s like a mental rape. The predator enters our inner world like a Troyan horse willing to possess our personality, to absorb it in full. Let’s discuss how abusers victimize people, why it is so hard to detect if you face it for the first time. It happens regardless of how smart you are, how high your IQ score is, what your people skills are, etc.
Disclamer. This series is written by a moral harassment survivor, not a psychologist.
Soulmate look and feel
They pretend to be “the one”, your perfect match, your best friend, your most supportive boss, your most helpful coworker…you name it. The mask they wear is always the one of a good, decent person. Someone worth relying on, having 100% trust in. They do all this for the sake of maximum control and further exploitation. For extra free work, fast sex, cleaning up their mess somewhere, perfect facade creation… It depends on which tool they have assigned you to be. The objectified you, yes. Who could expect to be perceived like a plate or a hammer?
Why can’t you detect those lies on time?
In fact, the “too good to be true” gut feeling you have is right. However, it’s deeply irrational, and you seem to be unable to follow it. You just feel uneasy about something hidden. You don’t know how to verbalize it. On paper, the deal looks pretty good. You’re offered an ‘honest marriage’, ‘true friendship’, or a dream job with a good paycheck. You cannot simply explain to yourself why not, and this is where the circle of torture starts. You cannot say NO to what was sold to you as a perfect, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. The facade is so shiny. So the instinct that tells us the truth looks stupid to us. Have you ever refused anything for a ‘just because’ reason? Nope, we care for our reputations. This is how ultra rational and super-smart people get trapped and victimized.
A perfect start
Nope, you are not kicked immediately after you have signed this job contract, moved to your admirer’s house, or said “yes” in the church. Predators know that you need some time for your personal attachment to grow and become stable. They literally idolize you, mentioning your name here & there and kicking their servants’ asses to build you up. Everyone in the valetry knows the favorite toy’s name, the Master orders them to serve you for a while. Well, you’re new to the sect and need to get hooked, that’s the reason. I bet every old toy is enraged because they have brought a ton of things to the Master’s table, and you are “loved” for a “just because” reason. (I remember it…)
In fact, you’re just new and haven’t seen the true colors yet. So your admiration is sincere, your wows are loud, and your trust and energy come to the predator freely. Later you’ll regret it because the Master will weaponize all your words against you. They simply collect info for the final phase when you will be their enemy. They are pretty sure of it — they’ll convert you into an enemy in due time. They know it at the start. This is why the start looks so shiny & perfect. So you could not believe your eyes & ears when things get worse. They will.
Why not escape from this sugary ball?
Let’s put it simple. Predators catch us when we are tired enough and pre-traumatized enough to be ready to believe in fairy tales. They like kids from dysfunctional families, someone lonely & unprotected financially, someone from a depressive region, someone disabled or having a disabled family member, someone USED TO ABUSE. This sounds awful, but they target wounded people with high pain thresholds. Someone who will never scream until they get completely destroyed. Abusers are fine with such late screams — when you get unstable enough, they will accuse you of being crazy and harassing them (LOL!).
This will happen later, but for now, the new puppet is having rest at the sugary ball. Of course, the taste is too sweet. Of course, there are already red flags and signs of future torture. But the victim wants to rest for a while, feeling loved, accepted, significant, professional, perfect, etc. There’s a period when you’re treated like royalty and everyone else is told to be nice to you. The predator wants this bubble of illusion to become solid enough before they start “real fun”. The victim gets blinded. Abusers love to test it sending the new victim to their ex-victims as flying monkeys or providing the newcomer with some shocking info about people discarded by them. When the victim gets loyal enough, time for real torture comes.
How can you figure this out if you have never met predators before? No way. You just think that all these “old toys” are jealous of your happiness, high position, exclusive attitude, etc. Some of them might be jealous, yeah. Others are willing to warn you and feel enraged because you will never believe them. The predator is too shiny a snake. You can’t imagine such cruelty with extreme loyalty like love, compassion, friendship, etc. pulled from you JUST FOR FUN & GAIN. There’s no sane person in this world who could believe such a horrible story. So you will not escape. You will believe in the brighter side of things, sad but true.
Something went wrong (spoiler: predators hint it’s your fault)
When the abuser is sure that you are fascinated enough and feel enough love for them to start torture, they slightly start to withdraw. You get your first cold shower. You are no longer a top priority. The boss spots another high performer at work. The spouse finds you less attractive than their childhood love. The friend cannot find a time slot for the two of you to hang out together as usual. And you start thinking where YOU were wrong. How YOU might offend them? What YOU have done to make this nice person so disappointed and upset about your behavior.
Why not go away as things don’t seem to work out?
No, you won’t leave at this stage. Because you think it’s all your fault! You’ll be sure that you managed to let down your soulmate. You’ll try to impress them by being your most hard-working and/or sexiest self. You’ll research your shortcomings like never before. After all, you’ve just been kicked away from heaven for no reason. You’ll be looking for this reason. And you’ll be put back in heaven occasionally. This will assure you that you are not good enough. This is why the nice person (the predator!) is treating you in such a way. You end up thinking that you deserve all the crap. You won’t escape — you’ll try to improve the situation. It’s natural for every good guy on Earth (this is why you were chosen…). However, it doesn’t work that way with the predator. They will never be content with you. Hell will occur more & more often.
Real torture
Now the abuser is sure you’re ready for “real stuff”. Torture pleases them. All the fuss was for the sake of this stage. You’ll be deprived of the things you loved most. Do you like meeting your friends? You won’t have time for them anymore. The predator will isolate you from them, always having grounds & good excuses. The Cinderella might go to the ball — if only she had time, do you remember? You’ll be the Cinderella from now on. Manipulated into total obedience and dependence. If you disliked loud parties — you’ll have them every day, and with the people you hate most. Whatever you want — the abuser will do the opposite. Whatever you dislike — the predator will bring it to your life. They want to see you suffering and needy. This looks sexy to them because they are insane self-centered bastards. They want to see you small so they looked big. They envy your good nature and will try to destroy it.
Why not go away when they apply torture?
(FYI, I managed to escape during this phase. I felt that I was having sleep issues, and the current position was bad for my dignity. I was prevented from personal & professional growth and envied those who left the abuser’s close circle before. I decided that I had enough of it. It was hard, it lasted for months, I expected an “I’m sorry” and “please don’t go”, which never followed. I got a final love bombing round so I couldn’t speak up fast — and then left being broken inside and not knowing the reason for hard feelings. It was narcissistic abuse…)
Many people don’t go away because they depend on the aggressor. Sometimes it’s a matter of a paycheck. Sometimes it’s a threat to their relationship or family. Okay, it’s not enough. The aggressor has made it difficult to leave because of the unhealthy attachment which is strong enough by that moment. It’s simply hard to do this right thing. It’s a psychological bug of human nature — we start to deeply love people whom we met or dealt with under bad circumstances. Aggressors study psychology and know about it. THEY CREATE SUCH CIRCUMSTANCES FOR US TO REMAIN HOOKED. THEY ARE CRUEL ENOUGH TO DO SUCH THINGS DELIBERATELY. In your Universe, such dreadful creatures simply can’t exist. You still think you were just unlucky.
Discard phase
The aggressor starts giving you lower and lower priority. You are introduced to his new toys as his good old property. You are supposed to remain silent, of course. Though you suspect that the new victim is sentenced to the same sad destiny. You now see many things that are incompatible with your moral values and try to confront the aggressor about their bad behavior.
Three of my friends were discarded because of it in different companies run by abusers. One of them claimed that fear is a bad motivation for people. The second asked their abuser when we are going to stop doing things last minute and introduce some planning. The third honestly questioned an obviously bad decision which was bad for business but assumed a lot of sexy torture for the aggressor to witness.
In a family, it will be about catching the abuser sleeping around. They will get enraged and deny everything. If you are lucky and have really strong morals, you’ll get discarded. If you are not, you’ll become their servant, enabler, and partner in crimes, losing yourself forever. I would recommend perceiving discard as a compliment & blessing in this case.
Why not just forget about it?
The human psyche isn’t designed for continued shocking experiences. The longer you stay beside the aggressor the more you go off the balance. If you waited until they discarded you, I would bet you became useless to them and lost many of the qualities they liked about you. I am pretty sure you are no longer healthy and mostly gloomy. You must have developed a true unconditional love for them which they find extremely boring. So you are either too weak or too wounded to just forget about what has happened. You might also develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) because of their pull-push strategy. With PTSD, you cannot forget about your traumatic experience and need special treatment. Abuse victims develop PTSD very often, so you need to find professional help (I recommend EDMR therapy). Don’t feel guilty for this. The aggressor exploited your childhood traumas, your caregivers started to do this to you and the abuser proceeded. It isn’t your fault.
Post-discard Hoovering
Another thing is that the abuser wants you to never forget about them. Not because they love or need you, nope. They want to see you kneeled down forever and broken until your death. This makes them feel superior and powerful. This is why they start to send their flying monkeys your way and disturb you for strange reasons. They may even try to get you back to the good old times treating you well as if nothing has happened. However, when you tick the “I’m available” checkbox, the predator will withdraw anything good again. They just needed to make sure that their property is on that shelf, always ready to serve them.
Why be back on the carousel of death?
Many victims get to the hoovering stage too exhausted for any critical thinking. They are wounded, they are distressed. They need to give it a try to have rest. Some victims get so tired of being afraid of their abuser so they simply give up and let the predator do with them what they want, including unprotected sex, trafficking, exploitation to death, etc. Here I need to stand in silence for a while and recall some names of those who never escaped and were killed or led to suicide. And I won’t ever blame them for it — they were naive, yes, but just like me. Unable to imagine that evil people, sadists are capable of such bad things. I could have never believed it myself. However, I survived it. It was horrible.
Conclusion
On average, a victim manages to escape AFTER 6–7 COMEBACKS. No guilt here, it’s too inhuman. You are used as a thing. You are property. You are a slave. You are broken. I’ve been there and I know how it feels. I just tell myself: “Stacy, it was a concentration camp under a cover of a nice work opportunity. You managed to sniff the wrong. You have always kept your ears open trying to figure out why you feel endangered and cannot discuss problems openly. You understood the culture of fear and torture and managed to get the evidence that it wasn’t you. You were deprived of opportunities to grow, it was real. And you decided to move on.
Surely you got back a number of times being trauma bonded. Stockholm syndrome is normal for kind people not willing to get disappointed in humanity. This is why you were giving it all a second and even third chance. However, throughout this time you were doing the research, accumulating the info on why it feels so crappy, why all people around are so broken and wounded. And, finally, you’ve got all the evidence. You did a great job. You have won over this destructive sect and your abuser!” No, I don’t blame myself. I know I am a hero and a survivor. Put down a similar speech for yourself. If you managed to escape, you have done the right thing, and I am ready to applause. Not all victims survive. Abuse kills. Some predators move to physical abuse, but they love victims to take their lives, too.
No guilt here. You’ve done a great job. You’ve acted beautifully under inhuman circumstances. You’re ex-hostage, you’ve escaped from a concentration camp. I’m sooo proud of you!
And you’ll do great — just proceed with the healing, smiles & joy will come your way! Sending you my hugs, no guilt here. We could have never imagined this to exist. We are incapable of such lies. We don’t fake love & friendship for the sake of gain. We were kind and naive, but not stupid. And we’ll remain the good open-hearted people, just aware of the red flags and predators, that’s all!
