Moral Harassment Healing Series: Post-Trauma Recovery
Accepting the fact that you got traumatized already means that you’re on your way to healing! Imagine that this stab in the back was physical — would you give you some time to restore your health? Of course. Why should it be different for your mental health? You got your psyche overloaded while being exposed to abuse. It was extremely hard on your mental health. Take your time for healing the trauma, don’t put yourself at risk of mental disorders.
Disclamer. This series is written by a moral harassment survivor, not a psychologist.
Escape from those who betrayed you
Abuse is all about betrayal. This combination of white or perverted words and dark actions is extremely harmful. Where’s the floor, where’s the ceiling? No idea… You are confused, you don’t know what to believe. You feel humiliated and bullied, even sexually harassed in front of others, but everyone else treats this as an “okay” thing. You also start thinking that it might be okay and DO NOT RESPOND. Betraying yourself, too. (That was basically my experience of workplace harassment, with that one at home it is even worse — domestic abusers have more control over their victims and know the most intimate pain points.) It’s like being mentally beaten without a chance to respond with a single punch. Formally, you don’t have any grounds to respond.
It’s hard to prove that your abuser is doing inappropriate things when other people around are blinded to the extent of sharing the aggressor’s distorted morals. You stay blinded, too. It will only hurt afterward. The best thing is to isolate yourself from the abuser and their servants when you realize it.
Restore your feeling of safety
You could have never imagined such a predatory creature, mean enough to be compared with the Devil. You had to live beside the Devil and witness the Devil’s cruelty for a while. No wonder that you don’t feel safe anymore. Like never before, you need a safe harbor and a circle of good supportive people. You will need to find someone who will believe your story and will not even dare to do blameshifting. (Abusers are good at that, they will always blame YOU for everything, but they are not authorized to label people in YOUR world, please remember this!).
You might also need to use some special psychological techniques to feel safe. My therapist & myself were leveraging my creative potential while doing EDMR and created a fantastic non-existent safe place for me. I can get back there whenever I need or want. Personal gold oldies playlist, regular meals & sleep, people you like most — embrace everything and everyone helping restore your safety and, later, joy. This is your hospital mode after the cruelty practiced over you by the harasser. You need a good rest. Take your time, you deserve it as you have won this battle, even war, for your dignity!
Building a new life narration
It is NOT easy to accept your life after trauma. Traumatic memories are too bright to be mounted into your previous life narration. You might have some symptoms of PTSD or even CPTSD after trauma, which means anxiety, lack of basic trust in the world, and even suicidal thoughts. It is really hard to simply proceed with life. This is why you need to start with safety and then rethink your life narration. Being open about the fact of moral harassment / mental abuse at least in a support group is extremely important. You’re accepting things, building your new biography where the fact of your survival is appreciated and even celebrated by yourself and your fellow survivors. A therapist might also be a good help during this phase. Psychotherapy speeds up the trauma healing process.
Crying over your losses
After abuse, many people feel as if their heart, soul, or even their better self was stolen by the aggressor. You had hopes, dreams, desires, — all those heated by the aggressor’s promises to the “almost real” extent to hurt you more. What should have happened “for sure”, appeared to be a pile of lies. Of course, the abuser will insist that it was your fault, and it was you who ruined everything — a promotion at work, a marriage, a reunion, a divorce with the abuser’s current partner. You name it. They were using what you need or desire most to make you dependant on them and fully controlled, like their marionette (very similar to hostage experience from the emotional viewpoint, heh). Be prepared — the predator will continue to lie that you were “almost there” for their plans to become real. You don’t need this fog!
Cry over your losses. Cry over your beloved person who never existed. Grieve your kids who were never born (aggressors go extremely sentimental about kids!). Bury your hopes for love and the bright future you thought you could have together. Say ‘alas’ to the mind-blowing career that you thought was possible for you. Let go of all the plans for all advancements in life you have made relying on the aggressor. Hug yourself because of the fact that you are no longer innocent — you know about the predatory and mean creatures that wear masks of sane people to fool others. Then give yourself what you wanted from the aggressor — you’ll discover that you don’t need them to fulfill your dreams! However, first, you need to cry. They say karma is created when we don’t complete things. Get everything completed. Express your grief and let it fly away.
Getting back to normal
Getting more and more joy, making more and more steps towards your healthy self, you’ll find the trauma memories fading away. You’ll get distracted with better and nicer things. You’ll feel a thirst for new knowledge, impressions, people — and this is a good sign. Being open means that your healing journey is over or almost over. You’ll need an effort to recall the name of your abuser someday, and this is awesome! You need to live a great life instead of being stuck in the trap of your past when the predator dared to make decisions interfering with your life and freedom. Someday you’ll be fine, and you’ll enjoy your openness to the world! (I’m getting there right now!)
Bonus: Things I Found Most Helpful
EDMR therapy works wonders. You don’t dive too deep into trauma, yet you are integrating your most painful memories into your normal story. They no longer hurt because you attach patches to them. You do positive things. And you make progress fast, i.e. you work with misconceptions about yourself acquired due to trauma — very straightforward, very practical, very understandable. When you’re sleeping, EDMR continues to heal you. It’s amazing!
Yoga is powerful as it helps you to get back to your body. When we’re facing trauma, our body gets frozen. It accumulates tension, fear, etc. By stretching your body, you gain peace of mind, too. You start to feel better and get more control over your mood, too.
Reading about abuse and mental disorders causing it helps a lot. The dark triad is a known complex of issues, and you can find a lot of interesting things that will assist you with understanding why it happened at all, why it happened to you, and what made a predator such a bad guy. When the demons are given names, they are no longer demons. You can control & beat them, and, finally, become the winner!
Support from friends and fellow survivors is meaningful. You were devalued by the person who thought moral harassment is fun. You were abused and diminished. Let’s wrap it simple: a bad person tried to tear you down, and now you need good people to help you with healing. They will do these hard pushes — they’ll value you with their words & actions until you are able to generate enough validation for yourself. You’ll be able to live on self-love. It won’t happen overnight. So surround yourself with allies.
Work achievements prove that you are capable. Abusers play with our sense of capability to persuade us that we are awkward and stupid. So you need to do great at work. At first, you will hardly be able to be your normal self. With time, you’ll hit new milestones. Celebrate them even if they seem not so big. Remember — you’ve survived a concentration camp, and you’re still functional! Abuse is pretty much the same for your soul. Feeling controlled against your will hurts your personality. The damage is real. If you are able to please your employer after such trauma, you’re super strong. Hug yourself!
As you can see, healing the trauma takes a ton of effort. Don’t spend them in vain. When you restore enough energy, your harasser will be back. Why? They are vampires, and you have enough blood again. Send the Dracula back to their crypt and never ever open the door. Understand one simple thing: they are great at mirroring, and they pretended to be YOURSELF to gain your admiration. Bad… for them. The good news is that you don’t need middlemen for enjoying yourself!
So Dracula should switch to tomato juice in your case. You would never fancy their weak ego, totally unattractive and empty without tricks, lies & cheating. The healing period is your time to dance over your losses — it’s not easy, but worth it!
