Hi. My name is Brad. You may not have heard of me before, but don’t worry, I’m rich.
As a successful venture capitalist in Silicon Valley, I’ve helped launch some of the most innovative startups in the tech industry. The creme brûlée cruster? Yeah, that was me. Listen, I’m changing lives.
Obviously I’m a smart guy, but one thing I can’t for the life of me understand is: why do all these women keep accusing me of sexual harassment?
Sure, I slept around in college, who didn’t? And yeah, I might’ve been called a “creeper” a time or two, but who hasn’t? And yeah, I use my position of power to get laid, but who wouldn’t?
I think the most important thing you should know about me is that I’m married. Marriage changed my life, mostly because it made all my friends think I’d become a new person who stopped trying to get laid all the time. Getting married was a brilliant strategy on my part. I talk about my wife all the time, she’s the first line of my Twitter bio so people know they can trust me. I talk about my family constantly so I look like a good guy who doesn’t sleep around.
So why are all these women openly accusing me of sexual harassment? I’m a businessman. I take meetings all day long, sometimes in the office, sometimes at a restaurant, sometimes at your house for a drink after dinner to talk more about this funding you need. That’s normal.
I help women. My hand on their knees under the table lets them know I’m on their side, I’m with them.
Do I want them to fuck me? Sure I do. Will it affect whether or not I fund their company? Yes, it will. Does that mean I don’t respect them? No! Well yes. But it’s not personal, it’s business.
All these women want to be treated differently. They want to be put in some special category because they’re “female founders”. And I do put them in a special category, I call it my spank bank. Ha! That’s a joke. Lighten up.
This one chick said she didn’t appreciate my advances. But she appreciated that advance check I gave her, didn’t she?
As far as I can tell, these women are harassing me. Would they be trying to get to know me if I didn’t have money? How shallow is that? Why do they show up to meetings wearing pants and blouses and earrings if they weren’t interested in a little something extra? Haven’t they ever heard of the cost of doing business? Yeah it’s called the CDB, look it up. I went to business school.
Okay, maybe I cross the line sometimes. But why belabor it? Move on. Who cares? It’s no big deal. It’s all in your head. It doesn’t matter. What matters is your company, which needs to get off the ground and me, who needs to get off.
It’s not sexual harassment, it’s quid pro quo — another business term you should get familiar with.
So stop accusing me of sexual harassment because honestly, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Sarah Cooper is a “comedian”.