Say Their Names
Polygamy has been in the back of my mind since my teenage years. It’s strange to live in 2019, and admit being concerned about the practice of a man having multiple wives. When you grow up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons), this is something you learn about early in life. It is part of our religion’s past and future. To say polygamy bugged me is putting it lightly.
When I fell in love and married my husband, I was so confused by even the thought of sharing him with another woman. I was taught that Heavenly Father expected a man and a woman to “save” themselves for marriage. We were supposed to be chaste and share intimacy only with our spouse. Why would God ask us to have such commitment to each other, and then have us break that bond by introducing other women? Those two commandments contradict each other.
I decided the only thing I could do, without letting go of my faith, was to ask my husband to promise me that he wouldn’t be sealed to another woman. Actually, I told him he better not even consider it! In Mormonism today, you can still practice eternal polygamy. This is done by performing a sealing ceremony in the temple to a current wife after your previous wife has died. This is for men to have multiple wives only, women are prohibited from being sealed to multiple men.
For 30 years, I attempted to put polygamy in the far corner of my mind, and anytime it came up I would push it back. As I mentioned, it was really difficult after being married. I was always taught polygamy occurred in the past because men died, and women needed help to care for themselves and their children. I tried to accept that, but it still didn’t feel right. I mean, you can help people without marrying them and making babies. I finally felt allowed to study polygamy, because the church put out an essay on Joseph Smith’s polygamy. [Side note: In Mormonism, we are encouraged to seek out only church approved sources to study the doctrine.] Now, I had a church approved source! See Plural Marriage in Nauvoo and Plural Marriage in Early Utah. Be sure to open up the “related sources” tab because you’ll see where the information came from. The essay gives you a prettied up overview. The sources give you the whole story.
What made me feel sad for these women, was the fact that I rarely heard any of their names. These women sacrificed a great deal. Their lives were hard and often lonely. They raised children without a husband to help. Yet we rarely utter their names in our meetings. I believe that any woman who has been concerned with or curious about polygamy should read the essays and the book, In Sacred Loneliness by Todd Compton. It is cited as a reference in the essays.
This book is a must read. It brought Joseph Smith’s wives to life, after they were secreted away for many years. Here are a few stories that felt significant to me from the book.
Mary Rollins Lightner
From her own words, this is what Joseph Smith told her as he proposed a polyandrous relationship (she was already married to someone else, as was he):
“Joseph said I was his before I came here and he said all the Devils in hell should never get me from him…I was created for him before the foundation of the Earth was laid.”
It took several attempts, but eventually Joseph convinced Mary to be married to him. She deeply loved her husband, but because of the eternal sealing to Joseph she was not allowed to be sealed to her husband, Adam. After Joseph’s death, Brigham Young was sealed to her for time on Earth only. She was married for time only to Brigham Young while still married to Adam. She, and many other women, would question polygamy throughout their lives.
When Brigham Young left for Utah without her she wrote, “stuned, the thought came to me that Poligamy was of the Devil — and Brigham knew it, or he would have cut off his right hand before he would have left me … I wept myself sick, and felt to give up.
Zina Huntington Smith
We’ll start when Zina is being courted by Henry Jacobs (she 19 and he 23),
“…in the midst of Henry Jacobs’s suit, Joseph Smith taught Zina the principle of plural marriage and then proposed to her…it is not surprising that despite her religious reverence for the Mormon leader, she either flatly rejected his proposal or put him off.”
“Zina made her choice: she would marry Henry Jacobs, her romantic soulmate. The engagement was announced. By making this decision, she probably felt that she had put an end to Smith’s suit and to the specter of polygamy in her life. It is not known whether Henry knew that Smith had also proposed to Zina, but it is known that he was a close friend and disciple of Smith. According to family tradition, as the day of marriage approached, Henry and/ or Zina asked Smith to perform the marriage, and he agreed. On March 7 Henry and Zina, with their friends and family, arrived at the place designated for the marriage, but Smith did not appear. Zina learned soon afterwards, undoubtedly to her complete astonishment, that Smith had not given up. Again according to family tradition, she and Henry saw Smith soon after the marriage and “asked why he had not come … he told them the Lord had made it known to him she was to be his celestial wife.”
Zina remained conflicted until a day in October, apparently, when Joseph sent Dimick to her with a message: an angel with a drawn sword had stood over Smith and told him that if he did not establish polygamy, he would lose “his position and his life.” Zina, faced with the responsibility for his position as prophet, and even perhaps his life, finally acquiesced. “I mad[ e] a greater sacrifise than to give my life for I never anticipated a gain [again] to be looked uppon as an honerable woman by those I dearly loved.”
Helen Mar Kimball
Helen’s story is well documented by her own journals. She was the only daughter (at the time) of LDS leader, Heber C. Kimball. At the age of 14, she was introduced to polygamy by her father who asked her to marry Joseph Smith.
In her 1881 reminiscence Helen wrote, “Having a great desire to be connected with the Prophet, Joseph, he offered me to him; this I afterwards learned from the Prophet’s own mouth. My father had but one Ewe Lamb, but willingly laid her upon the alter.
[He] left me to reflect upon it for the next twenty-four hours … I was sceptical– one minute believed, then doubted. I thought of the love and tenderness that he felt for his only daughter, and I knew that he would not cast her off, and this was the only convincing proof that I had of its being right. I knew that he loved me too well to teach me anything that was not strictly pure, virtuous and exalting in its tendencies; and no one else could have influenced me at that time or brought me to accept of a doctrine so utterly repugnant and so contrary to all of our former ideas and traditions. The mention of twenty-four hours shows that time pressures were being placed on the prospective bride, just as Smith had applied a time limit to Lucy Walker. The next morning Joseph himself appeared in the Kimball home and personally explained “the principle of Celestial marrage” to Helen.
In her memoir Helen wrote, “After which he said to me, ‘If you will take this step, it will ensure your eternal salvation & exaltation and that of your father’s household & all of your kindred.[’] This promise was so great that I willingly gave myself to purchase so glorious a reward.” As in the case of Sarah Whitney, Joseph gave the teenage daughter responsibility not only for her own salvation but for that of her whole family.
Helen had expected her marriage to Joseph Smith to be for eternity only, then discovered that it included time also. These lines present a bleak picture of Helen’s mental state in the months after the wedding. A “sicken’d heart” broods; she is a “fetter’d bird with wild and longing heart” who pines for freedom every day. She must have been attracted to boys her own age, as would be normal. She certainly was already paying attention to Horace Whitney. The marriage to Smith coming so suddenly and blocking these growing feelings must have been devastating to her.
She would go on to marry Horace Whitney, after the death of Joseph. Helen struggled with depression throughout her life. She felt that the depression was a result of her negative feelings towards polygamy. This was especially evident in Helen’s journal entries after Horace was told to enter into polygamy. Despite the depression and trials of polygamy, Helen would go on to defend it. One can imagine after the sacrifice asked at such a young age, if defending it was the only way to attempt to control the depression.
Lucy Walker Smith
I have to admit, other than Emma Smith’s ordeals, this story is the hardest for me to bear. Lucy’s mother died when she was a child and in what would be considered a very odd decision, Joseph separated the family. Just after her death, Joseph sent her father, John Walker, on a two year mission. Then, he adopted the older children as his own and sent the younger children to live with other families in the community.
Thus Joseph Smith had sent John Walker, the father, on a long mission while the family was still grieving for the mother, had split up the siblings– separating the younger children from the older– and referred to the older Walkers as his own children. Previously he had made one of the older brothers his servant, companion, and confidante. At this point Smith proposed to fifteen- or sixteen-year-old Lucy, demanding that she marry him. In her extraordinary autobiography she wrote, “In the year 1842 President Joseph Smith sought an interview with me, and said, ‘I have a message for you, I have been commanded of God to take another wife, and you are the woman.’
Lucy was horrified by polygamy and by his proposal and did not quickly gain the promised testimony. She prayed, she wrote, but not with faith. She was nearly suicidal: “tempted and tortured beyond endureance until life was not desirable. Oh that the grave would kindly receive me that I might find rest on the bosom of my dear mother.” Lucy now felt intensely the absence of her parents: “Why– Why Should I be chosen from among thy daughters, Father, I am only a child in years and experience. No mother to council; no father near to tell me what to do, in this trying hour. Oh let this bitter cup pass. And thus I prayed in the agony of my soul.”
He emphasized that this was not a proposal that she could accept or reject according to a romantic whim. To refuse him would bring damnation: “It is a command of God to you.” Lucy was infuriated and recorded in her journal:
“I felt at this moment that I was called to place myself upon the altar a liveing Sacrafice, perhaps to brook the world in disgrace and incur the displeasure and contempt of my youthful companions; all my dreams of happiness blown to the four winds, this was too much, the thought was unbearable.” Like Helen Mar at the age of fourteen, Lucy thought of her peer group and of the disaster that polygamy would bring to her teenage dreams.
Lucy did go on to marry Joseph and sacrificed her youth, being married to him at the age of 17.
What I found very odd about Joseph’s polygamy, was how strongly he denied it. He hid it from Emma to the point of having his wives burn their correspondence.
When asked, Smith flatly denied polygamy in a speech delivered on May 26: “What a thing it is for a man to be accused of committing adultery, and having seven wives, when I can only find one.”
I will write a separate entry on Emma Smith, because her story is full of so much sorrow I want to dedicate more time to it. Let me end with a few other recommendations for reading and listening, along with my thoughts on polygamy.
- In Sacred Loneliness by Todd Compton (quoted here)
2. Mormon Enigma: Emma Hale Smith by Linda King Newell and Valeen Tippetts Avery [This book has mixed reviews among Mormons. However, I learned from a recent release of the Leonard Arrington diaries, that the authors were allowed access to the LDS archives for the research in this book. You can’t get much more church approved than using the archives.]
3. Year of Polygamy Podcast by Lindsay Hansen Park. This podcast is incredible! Lindsay’s research is insanely thorough, and she uses reliable sources. You need to start with episode one which starts with Joseph Smith’s first plural wife. She goes in order through each wife, telling their stories. Then, she continues on to polygamy throughout the move to Utah and even to the FLDS sects today. This is a must listen.
Finally, my thoughts on polygamy. If you don’t want to be biased by my opinion, feel free to stop reading here.
In Mormonism, we rely on how we feel about doctrine and scripture (referred to as a spiritual confirmation). We are also encouraged to study and think these things out. Study and feelings, not just one, but both. As I read and listened to these stories, that’s exactly what I did. I thought about myself as a teenager, and the young women I’ve worked with in the past. I thought about my children, and my relationship with God. I don’t know anyone else’s relationship with God, but I know my God. I know what He is like because I’ve felt Him (and Her, because I do feel there can’t be a Father without a Mother) in my darkest moments. The thoughts that came to me as I learned more were these:
- Would my God ask me, as a young teenager, to marry an adult man of authority over me?
- Would He ask me, as a teenager, to have my salvation and my family’s rely on entering a polygamous marriage?
- Would He send an “angel with a flaming sword” to Joseph Smith requiring him to marry teenage girls (most of the time without Emma’s knowledge) or be destroyed?
- I’ve been taught that God sent me to this Earth with the agency to choose for myself, rather than being forced to follow a plan. I’ve been taught He loves me, and my purpose for being here is to have joy. Would He then, force me to choose between eternal damnation or polygamy? Where’s the joy?
- A Heavenly Mother would know the value of a woman’s heart AND her body. Would She be okay with a woman being pressured into intimacy (physical and/or emotional) with a man that the woman did not fully choose?
- This was often called a sacrifice asked of the women. Why would God ask this sacrifice just of the women and not something similar of the men?
These are hard questions, and they are just the tip of the iceberg. However, polygamy is a big deal and deserves a lot of thought. As I read and listened to these stories, I hoped to have my faith enhanced. I sincerely hoped to feel good about polygamy after learning more.
Unfortunately, I wept reading many of them. I didn’t even feel a small piece of comfort that this was right. As I read, I thought of a youth and childhood lost. Rather than what I thought was the reason behind polygamy, helping widows raise their families, it appeared to be about something far different.
Some of the women and girls who entered polygamy, would say they had a spiritual witness. While I understand spiritual prompting, given the fact that many were teenagers being commanded into marriage by a prophet or risk their family’s salvation, I question the role of cognitive dissonance. I agree with the author Todd Compton (a faithful LDS man) in what he said in regards to one of the men asked to give his sister to Joseph as a wife,
Benjamin, like many Mormons faced with polygamy, probably experienced severe cognitive dissonance. Either he would have to accept the repulsive doctrine of polygamy or give up Smith as a prophet, as well as his family, his new culture and community, and all that he had been persecuted for.
I could not read about and praise the spiritual experiences, and then ignore the journal entries of pain, depression, and suicide.
I ached also for the men who came home from missions, to find their wives married to Joseph. I was angry for Emma, who was constantly worried about the rumors of Joseph’s marriages. I was angry that she was the 16th wife sealed to him, and only after she allowed polygamy (although he was already practicing it). I could not read all of these stories and feel like my God would condone polygamy. Based on how I was taught to judge if something was of God — study, thought, and feeling — everything pointed away from polygamy.
Despite feeling differently than the leadership teaches, I’m more at peace now than before learning more about polygamy. Now, I don’t have to push it to the back of my mind. Even though I don’t believe polygamy was commanded of God, I believe the women of polygamy should be honored. This is why I felt compelled to share their stories, and the essays drafted by the church.
Whether I feel polygamy is wrong, and you feel it is right doesn’t really matter. What matters is that we are willing to sit in a hard place and hear their stories without turning away. You may hear their stories and feel your faith bolstered. The conclusion we come to is less important than the empathy we offer.
Let’s do these women the respect of studying their stories, rather than pushing away thoughts of polygamy, because it doesn’t effect us now. They made the sacrifices. Their pictures should be hanging in church buildings. They should be talked about with reverence.
They are the true heroines of Mormonism. Their stories deserve to be told, and their names to be said.
