I’ve been in mine for years now. But today it is riddled with anxiety and fear.
The conference talks. I know you’ve heard about them. Or if you havent, surely you have seen the news about how the church reversed its 3.5 year old policy on children of “apostate” parents.
I remember when the policy was introduced. We were living in Germany and had been taking a friends 7 year old girl to church with us. She was eager to be baptized alongside our daughter. Her mom, not an active member of the church, was supportive. However, It hit me like a ton of bricks. What if her mom were to be in a non-heterosexual relationship? She wouldn’t be able to be baptized for 11 more years. She isn’t baptized and neither is my now-10 year old.
I know this weighs heavily up on the hearts and minds of our family and friends who are still active members.
I know a family for whom this new policy-reversal directly impacted. I was pretty devastated for them. This was a family with 5 children, none of whom are active members of the church now. Who is accountable for that?
I also didn’t realize until a few days ago how “children of record” as they are called, play an important part in church membership.
Anyway, back to the crisis at hand. There’s waves of this. Maybe that’s why I’m addicted to a song by Ye (Kanye) called Waves. It’s meaningful in a lot of ways but one of the lines says “waves don’t die”. They just fade back into the ocean or the sea and ebb and flow. Come and go. Currently, the wave game is strong. I might even call it a tidal wave. Maybe possibly a tsunami.
Listen, I haven’t read the conference talks. I listened to much of the last conference. In fact, one of my favorite things to do is buy the conference Ensign and read and ponder the messages. It helps to have it on paper.
We didn’t watch or listen to this one. Maybe my perspective would be different if I had. Conference was the one thing I hung on to desperately during these years of my crisis of faith. I had a hard time with the day to day “doctrine” preached in church meetings on Sunday but I knew with a surety these people speaking over the pulpit were speaking directly of and from God. It’s so odd to speak in the past tense. Anyway, I’ve only seen the fallout in various LDS groups I am a part of, specifically one for people who have experienced trauma in a LDS setting. Countless women have posted mentioning their own anger and sadness over the talks from President Nelson and the one from Henry B. Eyring. The ones I’m sure impacted my parents as they thought of me and their other children who aren’t currently practicing the LDS religion.
I saw a bumper sticker the other day which truly spoke to my soul. Ha. A bumper sticker! It said, “God is too big to fit into one religion.” And then I remembered something a good friend from Germany said about her own faith. She said the LDS church is the one, for her, which most closely aligns with her beliefs. I can get on board with that but I also think that’s where my struggle is. I actually do believe the way the church is set up is the way God intended. I just don’t think it’s functioning as it was intended. I understand there’s human nature and all of that apologetic stuff. I get it. I’ve heard it.
I just feel stuck. Because I’m not yet ready to walk away but I’m also not ready to be all the way in. I also fear one of the reasons I’m afraid to walk away is because it will negate the 30ish years I spent dedicated to its teachings and my own faith and I still have so much other work to do. In my marriage and on myself. So, what now?
