Why I Left

I recently read an article by a young member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in which she asks and answers, “Why am I still here?” She was very vulnerable about why she stays, and I respect that choice. However, it just proves that once again the reasons people leave are grossly misunderstood.

So, why am I not sitting in the church pew? Why am I in Utah county and not part of the predominant religious community? Why do I avert my eyes to strange looks when my shoulders are exposed? Why do I awkwardly avoid conversations about church callings?

I left. It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t popular, and it could have destroyed my closest relationships.

Why do people I consider friends insist on inviting me to church after I’ve made it clear I no longer believe? Why don’t they see me for something other than a soul to save? Why do they insist on sharing conference talks and favorite scriptures, but bristle or unfollow me if I speak about the CES letter or Gospel Topics Essays? Is it so terrible to speak the truth our church has hidden for decades?

Why did I leave when I had ZERO PROBLEMS living the word of wisdom, dressing “modestly” was something that came easily to me, and my husband was and is the only man in my life?

I left because I don’t need a church to teach me to be a selfless and loving person.

I left because the church will not repent for their heinous history. A history that includes racism, bigotry, misogyny, and dishonesty from its founders to present leadership. Yet, I couldn’t take a family trip on Sunday without the accompanying guilt trip for my sin.

I left because our bishops, stake presidents, and local leaders are unpaid and require a lot of work. However, the general authorities receive up to six figures for “living expenses” while requiring a tithing of the poorest of its members. Don’t ask about the $120 billion rainy day fund.

I left because I can love and serve more than just my fellow Mormons outside the church.

I left because I learned the Book of Mormon is not the “most correct book on earth.” It’s based upon 19th century writings and has anachronisms that can’t be denied (horses, corn, steel bows, and golden plates to name a few). Whole genome studies have proven that Native Americans do not have pre-Columbian middle Eastern or Hebrew DNA.

I left because Joseph didn’t mention a first vision until twelve years after the event supposedly occurred. I left because Joseph couldn’t remember from one retelling to the next if it was God and Jesus that appeared, just Jesus, or an angel. I left because Joseph’s vision sounds eerily similar to many other claims of the day.

I left because the restoration of the Priesthood was not even mentioned until five years AFTER it supposedly occurred. Women were allowed to hold the priesthood and then were not allowed years later. We have to go through a man who may or may not have God’s power (which for some reason God cannot give to me).

I left because a prophet should be a seer, revelator, and God’s mouthpiece. If he is a prophet he should be the closest person to God and Jesus Christ we will find on this earth. He may not be perfect but he should be the most Christlike person we know. He should not ask members to avoid researching the church. He should openly discuss anything troubling to members in God’s one true church.

He should not judge people who are born as homosexuals…the way God made them. He should not be significantly behind the rest of the country in allowing black men equal privileges within the church. He should not teach that they are less than their white peers and then attempt to disavow past prophets when it isn’t socially acceptable to view dark skin as a curse.

He should not say that polygamy is illegal and then still practice it. He should not use his power to persuade young girls and married women to marry him. He should not be perfect, but he should be at least ahead of the curve on compassion and righteousness.

I left because despite my family being in the church, I cannot allow my children to be taught a false narrative. I can’t condone dishonesty and ignore what I know to be true.

So why did I leave?

I left because I value truth. I left because I am accepting of all people no matter their race, sexuality, or religion. I left because I am on the side of the young girls who had their lives irreversibly changed by the church’s polygamy. I left because I know there is goodness everywhere. Yes, there is goodness in the church but there is more outside of its walls.

I left because my church would like me to give my life if necessary for them but won’t even do me the dignity of teaching the actual truth of its foundation.

Every week you will find me in my home with my family learning new truths. I will challenge old ideals while still loving my neighbors, family, and friends who are LDS. I will bring my God with me wherever I go. If there is a Heavenly Father then there is also a Heavenly Mother and if they are perfect parents then they are not found in any church on earth. They are found in our hearts and in our actions.

I chose to leave because I am a better person without the church.