Disruptions
I’m Scurry the Rat and if there’s one thing I do not like, it’s deliberate disruptions. Or in other words, life.
I’m the kind of rat with the best-laid plans of mice and men, even though I am neither a man nor a mouse. I’m a rat. But that’s beside the point.
This is a story about a day so deliberately disruptive, I had to disrupt my own day to tell you.
It all started on a wet and rainy Sunday afternoon. I lay back in my recliner fashioned out of not one, but two, premium brand Styrofoam cups. My whiskers twitch at every honk or yell from the street above.
For those unaccustomed to living in the dark depths of a city sewer or maybe even worse, you are one of them above, you ought to know a few things. One, even the slightest sound penetrates every particle of earth down here. And two, that earth happens to be my living room.
“I just want to sit here in peace and quiet!” I shout. It’s supposed to be a relaxing Sunday, can’t all this noise wait until a hectic Monday? Obviously you imbeciles don’t hear me.
“I do not like when my relaxation is disrupted,” I grumble.
The damp wetness of earth’s atmosphere creeps into the walls of my underground living room, making my recliner cold and stiff.
“I can’t even find a comfortable place to sit!” It’s impossible to enjoy this day when I can’t even enjoy the comfort of my luxurious Styrofoam cup recliner.
“I do not like when my comfort is disrupted,” I sigh.
The dampness of this day makes me awfully thirsty. At least I can enjoy a nice glass of peanut butter whiskey, on the nuts.
I tip the jar, which is strangely light in weight, over my fuzzy lips. But all I taste is air. This jar is empty, nothing is left, not even a drop!
“I do not like when my thirst is disrupted!” I roar.
I scamper out into the kitchen and invade the cabinets just like my late grandfather, Colonel EisenCheese. He once invaded a peanut butter distillery with nothing but a half used toothpick.
Unfortunately my raid was much less successful. All I could capture was a half empty bottle of Muenster Merlot and stale cracker crumbs. Not very heroic at all…
According to the news Barter Joe’s Super Supermarket (the worldwide leader in peanut butter variety) is experiencing a peanut butter shortage.
“How will I possibly find any peanut butter whiskey?” I say, crushing the stale crack with my thrifty paws.
“I do not like when my taste buds are disrupted!” I whine.
But wait, Elephants like peanuts right? And my paws are genetically advanced in the art of peanut butter theft. Perhaps I should sneak into the large Peanut Butter Laboratory at the Zoo’s Elephant exhibit. This is where the most progressive peanut butter recipes are concocted. Yet, under tight security.
It will be a courageous journey but I can succeed on my own, just like the late Colonel EisenCheese.
I can take the Toilet Turnpike up the Horrendous Smelling Hills and follow that all the way on to the Sewer Freeway. This route will take me right under the Elephant exhibit. I know from experience. Again, it’s the best-laid plan of men and mice. But since I’m neither it couldn’t possibly go awry…
I fling out of my recliner and spring towards the sewer where my soda can sailboat is docked. I hop in and prepare to set sail.
However, of course, my sail is nowhere to be found. The only way to describe this is: an utter fail.
“I do not like when my transportation is disrupted!” I announce.
Luckily I was able to find an old napkin that folds into a makeshift sail. I fasten the napkin to my sailboat’s mast. Now all I have to do is wait for a large gust of stench to flush through…
“Whoosh!”
The gust of stench swirls through my sail and I latch onto the mast. This gust of stench flings me into through the sewer at approximately 4 knots.
I whiz past the Toilet Turnpike, up the Horrendous Smelling Hills, and on to the Sewer Freeway. I travel about 300 sewer blocks (3 normal blocks for you disrupters from above.) The flushing from each building I pass shoots me forward, the best way I can describe it is that my current speed is very fast.
After nearly 1,000 blocks, I reckon, I should be right underneath the Elephant exhibit at the Zoo.
This soda can sailboat doesn’t have a rudder so I stop whenever I can by poking a hole in the sail. That usually stops me pretty quickly.
This ought to be it.
I pop my head up through the sewer cap, expecting to be headfirst in the creamy deliciousness of the Peanut Butter Laboratory but to my surprise… I landed in the extremely large feline exhibit and several extremely large feline cats are now starting me down with a grin of hunger.
“I do not like when my safety is disrupted!” I shriek.
I make a hasty attempt to scamper back down into the sewer but a sticky lasso of catnip traps me… Luckily I always carry a shiny marble. Even the tiniest round object can easily distract a cat of any size.
During the time it took me to pull myself loose, I was able to ponder… Perhaps my calculations have gone awry (but not like of mice and men.)
If my new calculations are correct, the next exhibit to the right should be the correct secret passage to the glorious peanut butter jackpot…
I push open the sewer cap…
To my delight, my nostrils are filled with peanut butter of both traditional and exotic deliciousness. I start laughing as I bask in this glory. I can smell tropical peachy peanut butter, fanciful peanut caviar, and the mythical triple peanut butter fudge.
It smells so good I want to faint but instead my eyes and something happens at that very moment. The whole place goes dark. An alarm begins to wail and starts flashing, the floorboard escape route locks behind me and now I am not laughing…
“I do not like when my laughter is disrupted!” I mutter.
The lights flicker on to reveal a Zoologist is concocting several new experimental peanut butter flavors and he looks at me and says, “would you like to be my experiment?”
I politely decline.
“I’d just like some Peanut Butter please.”
But he persists…
“Oh but don’t you want to try this genetically altered experimental peanut butter?” He says holding up a test tube. “The side effects are only minor.”
“Hmm I guess I could give it a whirl. If there’s nothing else on tap.” He hands me a glass of the experimental Peanut Butter delight and I gulp it in just one swallow.
“Wow this is the best peanut butter I’ve ever tasted! The peanut is very nutty and the butter is very buttery.” I compliment.
My stomach gets a bit tingly, which I guess is just a side effect. And now I nearly have no hunger at all.
“I do not like when my hunger is disrupted!” I mutter.
But my hunger still gets the best of me.
“Mind if I take the whole jar?”
“Of course my little Guinea Pig” He says with a maniacal laugh, sort of like a crazy Scientist.
“Hey mister I’m a rat not a guinea pig! You better get it right. As a Zoologist you ought to know the difference.” I inform him.
“Yes, yes my apologies.” He says still smiling like a crazy scientist, which now I fear is genuine…
The Zoologist lets me out through the Laboratory’s toilet, which unfortunately flushed me out in the wrong sewer lane. I’ll have to cross the dangerous street…
I pop open the sewer cap just as a car zooms by, that could have been ugly. I don’t see any other oncoming traffic so I hoist myself up. This effort deserves another swig of peanut butter. I tip the jar, which is strangely light in weight, over my fuzzy lips. But all I taste is air. It’s happened again, this jar is empty, nothing is left, not even a drop!
“I do not like when my life is disrupted!” I cry.
This is an emergency! SOS! I need help right this instant! I see a strange helicopter in the air carrying what looks like a small boy and a rather large elephant. If i weren’t so distressed I’d consider this odd but instead I flag it down…
Scurry’s story will eventually continue…
