Grandad Jokes, Batch #16
From the section “Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion” in the book Grandad Jokes
401
To spice up your life,
add a pinch of doubt.
402
Each of us has two I’s.
None of us has two You’s.
That’s an imbalance.
403
The song of life has no refrain,
and there is no second verse.
It doesn’t go on and on.
It’s a universe.
(You learn that at the university.)
404
The bible of excretionist philosophy:
Peeing and Nothingness.
405
11th Commandment —
Honor thy world
and treat it with care and respect.
406
What did the washcloth say?
How now brown towel.
407
As an expression of faith in life after death,
they installed a porta potty in the cemetery.
408
God created the world from scratch.
So in the beginning
there was the itch.
409
The rabbi with x-ray vision
was the inventor of rabbiology.
410
Where can I find a round corner?
I hear that everything I want is there.
411
She wanted to teach him how to swim.
But when she took him to the pool He walked on the water.
“Why did you do that?” she asked.
“You have to learn to walk before you can crawl.”
412
He challenged the claim that mankind originated in East Africa,
on the grounds that the theory was leakey.
413
Jesus never meant to stay.
He was just crossing over.
414
As Douglas Adams knew,
it takes forty-tude
to make sense of the universe.
415
As death approached,
the cockroach prayed fervently
that he not be reincarnated as a human.
416
Someone asked what an empath is.
I replied —
The M-path through the woods
is right next to the N-path.
It’s the path less traveled by.
417
Why was the head of government called the PM?
Because he didn’t like to get up before noon.
418
The universe is a one-line poem
without rhyme or reason.
419
People in serious demand
for their skills and brilliance
aren’t just important.
They are exportant.
420
The priest bought a thousand printers,
in hopes he would be Canonized.
421
In chess, find moves that both attack and defend,
that perform two or more functions.
That’s like giving yourself an extra move.
Do similarly when making real world decisions.
That’s like giving yourself more than one life.
422
The scientist was wrong again.
He was often wrong.
But he was making progress.
Each day he was on a different wrong of the ladder.
423
His aim wasn’t truth.
He didn’t believe in absolute truth.
Rather he sought new and suggestive perspectives.
He wanted to climb to new wrongs of the ladder.
424
We all see the world not as it as,
but rather refracted.
We are all in prism.
That is our sentence.
But what is our paragraph?
425
What did God say when he wanted
to seduce a woman?
“Eat, drink, and be Mary.”
