Grandad Jokes, Batch #17
From the section “Never Grow Up” in the book Grandad Jokes
1
Why did the trapeze artist go to Austria to find a bride?
He wanted to fly through the air with the greatest of Viennese.
2
Did you hear about the hat that got a job as a waiter in a fancy restaurant?
He made a fortune.
Everybody tips a hat.
3
Tell me the lyrics to a love song about a compulsive liar.
“My Bonnie lies over the ocean. My Bonnie lies over the sea…”
4
Many people who jog are overweight.
Many people who don’t jog are thin.
So if you want to lose weight, you shouldn’t jog.
5
What is the best educated device in the chemistry lab?
A graduated beaker.
6
He was unsuitable.
Nothing fit him.
7
A weightlifter showed off his physique on the beach, flexing his biceps.
He invited a young lady to squeeze them.
When she did, they made a musical sound.
He explained, “That’s muscle tone.”
8
What do you call a man who laughs himself to death?
A comic kazie.
9
If you don’t exercise,
you’ll need an extra size.
10
What did Zeus say when he came down to Earth as a swan?
“Take me to your Leda.”
11
Who was the most famous female knight of King Arthur’s Round Table?
Irene.
What?
Haven’t you heard of Good Knight Irene?
12
Queen Elizabeth was visiting New Zealand for the first time.
She went to the city of Auckland, and it was remarkably quiet.
Then she sent to Wellington, and it was the same.
Then she went to a village in the mountains and the noise was deafening.
Her guide explained, “It takes a village to raise a ruckus.”
13
What did the car horn say when it felt depressed?
“To beep or not to beep.”
14
What do you call a butcher who loves his work?
A choppaholic.
15
How do amoebas communicate?
By cell phone.
16
What happens when a Jew gets bitten by a mad dog?
He becomes rabbied.
17
What did the ankles say to their neighbors?
Hi, Heels.
18
Did you hear about the grammarian who created a new kind of medical practice?
Acu-punctuation.
19
Why was the priest exceptionally thin?
Because he exorcised all day.
20
What do you say when someone wakes you up to tell you a tornado is about to strike?
“Good warning.”
21
Why did the 90 year old Congressman vote against the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty?
Because he didn’t want to do away with the nuclear family.
22
Why did a young woman interested in ecology buy white cotton tee shirts?
Because they were stainable.
23
What is the magical part of New York?
Staten Island.
You get there by Fairy Boat.
24
What do they call the pecking order of scents in the perfume industry?
Robert’s Rules of Odor.
25
When Obi Wan Kenobi moved to Korea,
he became known as the Chosen Wan.
