Grandad Jokes, Batch #20
From the “Never Grow Up” section of the book Grandad Jokes
76
When the prioress fell in love with the abbot, how did she address her letters to him?
“Dear Abbey.”
77
Why did the grammarian go to the podiatrist?
He was afraid of getting comma-toes.
78
Twins from Warsaw became Arctic explorers.
They went in opposite directions.
One became the North Pole and the other the South Pole.
79
What did the steak say when he went to bed at night?
Now I filet me down to sleep.
80
How do amoebas communicate?
By cellphone.
81
Which grocery store chain do golfers prefer?
Hole-in-One Foods.
82
Louis XIV had a ne’re-do-well son.
To discipline him, Louis cut off his funds.
Then Louis was surprised to find out that his son had started a successful business, catering to tourists —
Swim with the dauphin.
83
What’s another word for miser?
A dough nut.
84
What kind of car does a wealthy chef drive?
A Caviac.
85
A guy needed to fix a vase. He asked a friend, “What should I use?”
He answered, “I don’t have a glue.”
87
What did Lady MacBeth say when her puppy couldn’t be house trained?
“Out! Out! Damned Spot!”
88
Why is a nautical mile a more accurate measure of distance than a land mile?
Because on land, you can’t sea where you’re going.
89
What would you call a lunar retreat for religious fanatics?
A moon-astery.
90
What do you study if you want to become a midwife for dogs and cats?
Litter-ature.
91
Where do wealthy moths get buried?
Moth-oleums.
92
Why did the fish take piano lessons?
He wanted to become a piano tuna.
93
What kind of jewelry do angels wear?
Spirit-jewel.
94
The lawyer who was also a pastry chef studied
torts and tarts.
95
How do leftovers talk to one another in the refrigerator?
By cellophone.
96
When the seas were stormy, what kind of wine did the captain want?
Port.
Any port in a storm.
97
When a dinghy goes berserk, how do you get it under control?
With a ding bat.
98
What do pigs use when they have a cut?
Antibiotic oink-ment.
99
What brand of chewing gum is popular in Ireland?
Dublin mint gum.
100
What did the burglar’s friends sing on his birthday?
“For he’s a jolly good felon.”
