Grandad Jokes, Batch #22
From the “Never Grow Up” section of the book Grandad Jokes
128
An example of when repetition isn’t repetition.
The headline —
Mink stole mink stole.
129
The middle-aged lady married a guy named Jack Young,
so she could say that she married young.
130
How does Satan greet new arrivals?
Hell-o.
132
What do you call the fee a surrogate is paid?
Carrying charge.
133
Did you hear about the angle who spent his whole life in school
and earned 90 degrees?
134
The cruise passenger’s prayer:
The salad bar is my shepherd.
I shall not want,
And I shall not gain.
135
Why did the dieter buy fish?
He wanted to check his weight,
and he had heard that fish have scales.
136
A mixing bowl had an opportunity to become part of a Cuisinart,
but she declined because her daddy always told her,
“Never a blender be.”
137
As I get older, my memory is improving.
Forty years ago, I never could find my cellphone.
138
Mary Christmas
and Joseph New Year.
139
You can never have a little real estate.
You always have a lot.
140
What is a word meaning old fashioned wealth?
Opulescence.
141
A blue flower that grows on volcanic islands should be called
lava-nder.
142
How do desserts greet one another?
Jell-o.
143
A holy roller preacher looked like he was seriously depressed.
A parishioner asked, “What’s wrong?”
The preacher replied, “It’s hard to believe.”
144
Why did the Yankees hire an opera singer?
They heard he had perfect pitch.
145
What do you call a photograph of a cup of coffee?
A mug shot.
146
A man sitting in a restaurant was arrested as a peeping Tom.
He was staring at the salad dressing.
147
What did the momma rope say to the daddy rope when he snored?
Quiet. You’ll wake up the twines.
148
A nomadic alien found Earth by homing in on television signals.
What were his first words when he landed?
Take me to your movies.
149
What role did dogs play in the automation of retail sales?
They invented the bark code.
150
Ancient Scottish saying:
There’s more than one way to skin a flint.
151
When the standup comedian delivered an outstanding performance,
his bride gave him a standing ovulation.
