Grandad Jokes, Batch #25
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandpa Jokes
451
Shakespeare was a semiologist.
Life is a tale told by an idiot,
full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing.
452
In growing up, there comes the moment
when you progress from thinging to thinking.
453
She believed the Bible literally.
So, of course, she always wore satin underwear.
Didn’t the Bible say, “Get thee behind me, satin.”
454
“Be still!” God said to the corn,
and then there was whiskey.
455
Marcus Aurelius said, “Live every day as if it’s your last.”
At my age, I say, “Live every day as if you’ll last.”
456
Self storage is important.
When you find yourself, you need a place to store it.
457
Eventually, mankind will evolve to include a reboot button.
If you screw up your life,
you will be able to restart your life
from a point of your choice before the mistake.
Good for most of us.
Bad for perfectionists who will reboot over and over again.
458
The next generation of cellphones will be known as iTruth.
It will be designed for those who dare to not be phony.
It will work like a lie detector,
sensing when the user is uptight and uncomfortable.
It will only transmit when you speak the truth.
459
Do plants sleep?
If so, what do they dream?
460
The older I get, the more I lose things and forget things.
Where did I leave my life?
461
The chef was a micromanager.
He microwaved everything.
462
After cutting Samson’s hair,
Delilah shaved the head of Krishna,
and he was no longer Hairy.
463
Those who worshipped Hera instead of Zeus
were guilty of herasy.
464
The skunk’s philosophy —
I stink therefore I am.
465
The opposite of being present
is having passed.
The fear of death
is tense-ion.
466
Heaven discovered near Earth.
It’s in the iconosphere.
467
Global Warming
should be renamed
Global Warning.
468
The Fig Newtons were very religious —
Orthodox Chewish.
469
Warning.
God’s patent on mankind has expired.
Beware of cheap generic knockoffs.
470
Archimedes was an ancient geek.
471
One day Kant woke up and, before doing anything, said,
“That’s unreasonable.”
That was the beginning of
The Critique of Pure Reason.
472
Isn’t it about time that somebody paid
the Bill of Rights?
473
Her autobiography was a bestseller,
so she converted to Hinduism
in hopes of reincarnation,
so she could write the sequel.
475
Originally, having Sunday as a holiday
from work and government services
was a violation of the separation of church and state.
That is no longer an issue.
Now it is a time, not for religious celebration,
but rather for football.
