Grandad Jokes, Batch #27
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
226
Afraid that his linguistic heritage was endangered, the cockney bought accent insurance.
227
Slogan of New Hampshire chefs —
live fry or die.
228
A new process for disposing of the remains of
Shrek-like monsters
generates green energy.
229
How should you wake up a floor polisher?
Rise and shine.
231
Dorothy said her preyers every night —
“Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!”
232
Broadway song about a computer repairman —
If I were a glitchman…
233
When a guy was hired by a sexy lady,
Why did he give her a rub down?
She was being embossed.
234
Why did the rolls in the restaurant
make noises like kettle drums?
They were drum rolls.
235
The witch saw a giggly girl in a bikini,
waved a magic wand,
and turned her into a seagull.
“That’s amazing,” said the witch’s friend.
“No. That was easy. She was very gullible.”
236
Why did the boy give his girlfriend daises?
Because he wanted to d-flower her.
237
Why was the dollar bill upset to be deposited in a bank?
She didn’t want to be a loan.
238
Another term for “friends with benefits” —
A beddage of convenience.
240
A couple is working in their garden.
They hear one burp after another.
“What the hell is going on?” asks the husband.
“No problem,” says the wife.
“I bought Burpee seeds.”
241
He lived in a modest house.
It would only take its clothes off at night,
when no one was looking.
242
When the six-year-old lost an incisor,
he left a note under his pillow:
instead of quarters,
he wanted a blue tooth.
243
When the beagle talked in his sleep,
he said false and slanderous things about his friends.
But they didn’t mind.
They knew to let sleeping dogs lie.
244
A glue manufacturer became a psychotherapist
because he was good at dealing with problems of attachment.
245
Why didn’t Alfred Hitchcock wear a belt?
He preferred suspensers.
246
New electronic device
for getting in touch with the inner you —
the self phone.
247
What job did the cat sailor get
after he was knighted?
He became the Purr Sir.
248
How to say good night to an athlete —
Sweat dreams.
249
After the tree was chopped down,
he was always board.
That was okay until a carpenter bought him.
Then he was screwed.
250
The needles had much in common,
but their relationship had a couple of
sticking points.
