Grandad Jokes, Batch #28
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.
251
The book did anything he wanted
because he was entitled.
252
If you need to laugh,
just lean on the windowsill.
That’s what it’s there for —
to give you a dose of silliness.
253
Over the years,
he scaled back his goals and expectations.
Now, he aims for the stairs.
254
Over the years,
she scaled back her goals and expectations.
Now she no longer aims for the stairs.
Instead, she takes the elevator.
255
How did the kiwis toast the New Year?
Eat, drink, and be berry!
256
The court jester was a champion at
ballroom duncing.
257
The priests’ cheer —
two, four, six, eight.
How shall we now celibate?
258
What nation of barbarians had the best dance band?
The Saxophones.
259
What do you call the set of all words that refer to insects? Ant-onyms.
What do you call the set of all words that refer to crimes? Syn-onyms.
260
Why did the hip bone and the leg go to the bank together?
To open a joint account.
261
Why did the wig have to go to the coronation?
Because he was the hair apparent.
262
Who is the most important instructor in the Army School of Dentistry?
The drill sergeant.
263
When nine judges got together to form a rock band,
what did they call their group?
The Supremes.
264
The pastry chef was nicknamed “magic lips,”
but she wasn’t particularly attractive.
How did she get that name?
When she kissed her creations,
she made them batter.
265
When two cartographers fell in love,
they lived mappily ever after.
266
Someone who loves fish is an
a-fish-ionado.
267
Some people prefer shrimp with tails.
So stores now offer to put the tails back on.
That’s known as selling shrimp re-tail
268
Movie about the first Thanksgiving on the moon —
The Right Stuffing.
269
What do you call a nun’s hat?
A habit hat.
270
What happens to amoeba when they misbehave?
They have to walk the plankton.
271
Why did an immigrant who just arrived in New York ask a big husky guy to lift him onto his shoulders?
So he could say he was “raised in New York.”
272
Why are novelists better writers than poets?
Because they are pros.
273
What do you call a wrestler who is new to the sport?
A neo-fight.
274
Never trust the judgment of an imperfect diamond.
It jumps to occlusions.
275
The Wright Brothers did many calculations, trying to figure out how to fly.
But nothing worked.
So Orville winged it.
276
How Mao brown cow?
Chinese cat tongue twister —
How miao brown cow?
