Grandad Jokes, Batch #29
Excerpt from the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
276
Dogs often have the medical condition “irritable bowel syndrome.”
You can tell because they have the distinctive bark —
“bowel wow.”
277
What color did Monet paint his flowers?
Bloom.
278
When King David captured Santa Claus and sold him as a slave,
what did the headlines read?
David Selz Nick.
279
Why did the hole in the ground have no friends?
Because he was a son of a ditch.
280
Definition of a nun —
a creature of habit.
281
What do you call coffee mixed with eggs?
Ovu-latte.
282
What should you call an underage emperor of the Eastern Roman Empire?
Byzan-teen.
283
How do you describe the shape of someone on a yoghurt diet?
Yo-girth.
284
When the Pope canonized a bird, what name did he give him?
Saint Peep.
285
Cramming for exams, the student moved his desk and mattress into the backyard.
He wanted to study in-tent-ly.
286
Cannibals have two kinds of ovens:
toast her oven
and
toast him oven.
287
How should you greet an author?
All writey.
288
When the lady feels really depressed,
she buys a fork-lift truck.
It’s a great pick-me-up.
289
She thought she was in love with the guy
until he complimented her feet.
She was like toes intolerant.
290
What did the mute performer say to his girlfriend?
Be mime.
291
Why do Tom cats like Japanese kittens?
Because they are cat Nippon.
292
The actress was charged more for everything than anyone else.
But she didn’t mind.
She liked having top billing.
293
Name for a dating service for pets —
Ani-mate.
294
Bad day —
Went for a face lift
but it was too heavy.
Got a hair cut
but he cut the wrong one.
Wanted my nails done
but was screwed instead.
295
What did Miss Muffet say when she found her true love?
“Let me count the wheys.”
296
What did the wear wolf wear?
Beware,
be where,
her underwear.
297
When Twitter friends visit the mansion,
where do they stay?
The follow wing.
298
The buck deerly loved the doe.
For her, he was even willing
to get dressed.
299
His life had five gears,
like a sports car,
but it was stuck in the night shift.
