Grandad Jokes, Batch #31
From the section Never Grow Up in the book Laugh and Let Laugh
326
“For every question, there is a dancer,”
said the rockette scientist.
327
Christmas cheer —
Hey! Hey! What do you say?
Take the gifts the other way!
328
The parchment wanted to marry a controlling woman
so he could be embossed.
329
He knew he couldn’t save the world, so he did the next best thing —
He became a lexicographer and saved the word.
330
Title of Netflix CEO —
stream-boat captain.
331
He published his short novel in ten volumes.
He explained —
“In this business, you win on volume.”
332
Time for refreshment,
refreshmeant,
meant tea,
with three cubes of nice.
333
The lady was disappointed by complimentary wine in first class —
It didn’t pay her any compliments.
334
Christmas was traumatic for the fir tree —
She got all twisted up,
wreathing in pain.
335
She had finished her first novel.
Now she was an author.
Doors would open for her.
She need no longer worry about
unauthorized use or access.
336
Don’t give up.
Sometimes you get to the top
by climbing the ladder
one wrong at a time.
337
The true woman —
plays the woman-olin
women-ustrates monthly
writes woman-uscripts
ends her prayers a-women
has good womanners
and is wonderful in womanifold ways.
338
Even when published
the novel was disappointed —
he thought he had been typecast.
339
What plant grew up to be an enormous success —
Horatio Algae.
340
Why did the personnel manager insist that all secretarial applicants take a blood test?
She didn’t want any type Os.
341
The podiatrist gardener specialized in
tomat-toes.
342
A rich guy didn’t like the long delay before dinner was served,
so he hired a waiter.
343
What’s the favorite game of gourmets?
Crabbage.
What’s the favorite game of vegetarian gourmets?
Cabbage.
344
Why did the pasta go to the gym?
He wanted to become fit-tuccine.
345
How do rabbits make beer?
With hops.
346
When the restaurant served hot chocolate
they had a bon bon fire.
347
How do you play hops scotch?
With beer and scotch.
348
A guy uses his front porch as his office
so he can lose weight
by working out every day.
349
A woman wouldn’t go to a meetup
because she’s a vegetarian.
350
“That’s a lot of dessert.”
“Yes, that’s the Sahara of desserts.”
