Grandad Jokes, Batch #35
From the section Never Grow Up in the book Grandad Jokes
426
If Sleeping Beauty lived today, she wouldn’t need to prick her finger.
She could get her glucose readings the high-tech way.
427
In his will,
he gave instructions
that his autobiography
should be written by
a ghost writer.
429
How should you address a letter to the afterworld?
To tomb it may concern…
430
The jury pondered —
“To defer or not to defer?
To differ or not to differ?”
But their decision didn’t matter
because they were
deaf and indifferent.
431
What do mariners use instead of mouthwash?
Sailing solution.
432
Someone who writes constantly
with little hope of being published
is a perspiring novelist.
433
When the baron retired from government,
he became a masseur —
the famous rubber baron.
434
This novel defied the boundaries of classification
and had a sexually ambiguous main character.
It suffered from both genre-fication
and gender-fication.
435
What can you say of an infantry unit renowned for its speed?
The fleet of feet is fleet of foot.
436
The glove maker advertised —
handsome is
as handsome gloves.
437
She refused to go to the Continent.
She never wanted it to be said that
she was in continent.
You can Depend on that.
438
No diet or exercise plan worked.
So she went to a casino in England,
and lost a hundred pounds in seconds.
439
Why am I here?
What do I expect to gain?
I’m practicing for the next track tweet,
and I hope to lose, not gain,
ten pounds.
440
He got serious about his next novel
and WIP-onized it.
441
The self-improvement author
won big time
and became a best-selfer.
442
Specialty at McDonald’s in Edinburgh —
Big Mac Beth,
double boiled,
served bloody rare,
with lady fingers.
443
What now-extinct beast once fought the forces of darkness?
The light-saber toothed tiger.
444
What animal is a refreshing drink?
The koola bear.
445
Why did the ninjas buy a nunnery?
They needed flying nuns
as ammunition for their nunchucks.
446
What do monks eat while watching the Super Bowl?
Pope corn and humble pie.
447
How do monks get free entry to the Super Bowl?
They use their Hail Mary Pass.
448
Ninjas never laugh.
They nunchuckle.
449
How much wood would a nunchuck chuck
if a nunchuck could chuck wood?
450
He wasn’t a king.
He never had a coronation.
So he insisted on a home birth
so he could see
the crowning of his son.
