Grandad Jokes, Batch #36
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Gandad Jokes
451
The musician went to the gym religiously,
convinced that if he could bench press
500 grams,
he could win a Grammy.
452
His computer wouldn’t start
so he took it to the nearest cobbler,
who was far cheaper than the computer repair man
and was an expert at booting and rebooting.
453
Celebrating February 4 —
May the fourth be with you.
And may you have a febulous month.
454
What’s the name of the horse
renowned for telling dirty jokes?
Mr. Id.
455
In the early days of telegraphy,
a monk made contact with God
and requested a spectacular Christmas.
But he left out a letter,
asked for sow instead of snow,
and so started the tradition of Christmas ham.
456
He wanted to heal eyes
and prescribe rose-colored glasses.
So he became an optimist.
457
The auto-didact
did everything on his own,
even learning to fix cars.
458
Before self-publishing his pet project,
the novelist went to City Hall
and got a prosaic license.
459
Missing feature —
a microwave with a choice of cooling.
For when the food is too hot
and you’d like to cool it for 30 seconds
rather than wait 5 minutes.
460
His friends appealed to him to seek help,
So he went to the coast with binoculars
and shouted with glee, “Kelp!
I see kelp!”
461
Definition of schizophrenia —
his right brain
doesn’t know what
his wrong brain is doing.
462
The eye doctor provided guaranteed service.
He had a sign in his office with B-E-T-T-E-R
in huge letters.
After every visit, he asked
the patient to read it.
Then he said, with satisfaction,
“You see better!”
463
The fairy god witch was invited to the wedding
as the mother of the broom.
464
The genie gave him one wish.
He said, “I want to be unique!”
Unfortunately, the genie misheard,
and so he became a eunuch.
465
God’s gift to man:
woman.
God’s gift to woman:
children.
God’s gift to children:
smart phones.
And so, in the beginning, there was the text.
466
Where should you go to study cartoons?
Ooniversity.
467
He was addicted to Lord of the Rings
until he found his true elf
and kicked the hobbit.
468
She got into the computer department at MIT
early acceptance,
because she was a shopoholic —
an expert at buy-nary math.
469
The impresario staged a performance of La Boheme
in the middle of the river in Paris —
the perfect
mise en Seine.
470
They sent their son
to a physical therapist
to improve his motor skills,
getting him ready for the Indianapolis 500.
471
When he bought a fastener,
he thought it would help glue the pieces of his life together.
He didn’t know that it would
make his life go by faster.
472
She was controlling as a parent.
When her kids moved out,
she strove to change and become submissive.
She submitted stories to hundreds of magazines.
Now she is trying to be receptive.
473
She went to a therapist to learn
how to live with pain.
He suggested that
she divorce him.
474
Where is Elvis?
At the North Pole,
with his hundred clones,
making blue suede shoes
for Santa.
475
He sprayed himself with metallic paint
until his whole body was mirror-like,
because it’s important to be self-reflective.
