Grandad Jokes, Batch #37
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
476
The would-be track champion
cheated on his girlfriend
and on tests at school —
he wanted to be like the fastest animal on Earth —
the cheater.
477
If you feel like shit,
try sleeping in the fecal position.
478
When life was born,
he was breastfed.
And life has sucked ever since.
479
When Persephone returned from Hades,
the underwhere of the universe,
she went commando
because she no long needed underwear.
480
The top-tear editor
lived in the subverbs
and performed transgenre surgery.
481
The unpaid author
sent his publisher
a bill of writes.
The publisher replied
that the press should be free.
482
Email’s Shakespearean quandary —
to bcc or not to bcc.
483
Why did the singer strive to hit the lowest notes humanly possible?
He wanted to sing so low.
484
Why do so many ducks become Internet gurus?
They have webbed feet.
485
What should you call a deliberately destructive
Internet bot?
A web-on.
486
What’s the difference between a quilt and butter?
One is a bed spread.
The other is a bread spread.
487
A radio signal from Satan
is a hell ping.
488
Beware of podcasts.
They are made by pod people.
It’s the invasion of the mind snatchers.
489
Title for a gossip column —
The Who’s Doing Whom
of Hollywood.
490
Last year the Playboy Bunny didn’t come on Easter.
She wasn’t in the mood.
491
The pastry came out of the oven
with an image of the Virgin Mary
and came to be known as
“the immaculate confection.”
492
The widow went on Match to find a dependable man.
She dated one guy for 6 months, but still she didn’t have faith in him. Finally, he pulled down his pants and said, “You can see very well that I’m depend-able.”
493
Life is a modified waltz —
three steps forward and then two steps back.
The trick is to learn to time your turns
so your back steps carry you forward.
494
The Texan was excited that he was going to meet the King.
Then he was disappointed to find out the King wasn’t Elvis.
495
What TV show is Voltaire famous for?
Candide Camera.
496
What’s good name for an aroma theater,
a theater for smell performances?
The Odeon.
497
How did the strip of blue paper get an education?
She went to collage.
498
An alien species requires input from four males
to conceive a baby.
Their typical speech begins:
“Our four fathers…”
499
Did you hear about the windows that went on a blind date?
They were both shady characters.
500
What do bananas do when a party gets boring?
They split.
