Grandad Jokes, Batch #39
From the the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
526
The Navy is now recruiting kids.
They will be known as Microwaves.
527
“Why do you have two Porsches?”
“In the morning I like to sit in my front Porsche,
and in the evening in my back Porsche.”
528
She rented the apartment
because the building had a super,
and she just loved soup.
529
She was life-genic, rather than photo-genic.
She looked much better in real life.
530
She was fighting sexism in language
so instead of heating her house
she hert it.
531
She took the job
because they advertised a “drug-free workplace.”
She wanted the free drugs.
532
The house was freezing cold,
so he gave it a coat of paint.
533
After shoulder surgery
rehabilitation was taking too long.
She needed to heal faster.
So she wore high heals.
534
Scientists invented an amazing new fabric.
They could quickly and easily change its color
over and over again
to any color but pink.
The unpinkable had happened.
535
Suggested nostalgic deli offering —
a mellow yellow
submarine sandwich.
536
What meat dish gets the most exercise?
Runny hamburger.
537
Debt was an inspiration to Poe,
who wrote about the
bills, bills, bills, bills, bills…
538
To improve his wellness,
he hired a dowser, dug a well,
and touched it often,
feeling well every day.
539
Talking bells,
for people who are tired of exercising
with a bunch of dumb bells.
540
Plurals —
murder of crows
pride of lions
gaggle of geese
giggle of jokes.
541
The politician said, “In this time of crisis,
we need patience.”
The doctor replied, “Hell, no!
The last thing we need is patients.”
542
What is the plumber’s favorite Christmas carol?
Eleven pipers piping.
543
He was exhausted
so he went to the rest room
looking forward to
the rest of the day.
544
Don’t be precipitous.
Never make important decisions during a rain storm.
545
Prospero kept his conscience
in a conch shell
to protect it.
Then he blew it.
546
The unemployed thermometer
sought work through
a temp agency.
547
“Mind the gap!”
Isn’t it outrageous that railroads, not only the US but in Europe
provide free advertising?
548
A burglar who hacks
home security systems
is known as
Lord of the Rings.
549
The United Nations should partner with 7-Up,
promoting the UNCola.
550
Advertising suggestion —
a koala bear drinking soda:
koala cola.
