Grandad Jokes, Batch #41

Richard Seltzer
Morning Musings Magazine
3 min readFeb 7, 2022

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Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes

576

Ill and weak

she went to a casino

so she could feel bettor.

577

The account’s theme song —

Deep in the Heart of Taxes.

578

What kind of sea creature

is good at making pies?

Crustacean.

579

Suggested invention —

hospital chip implant

that makes you think you are in a hospital

and being taken care of.

580

The lawyer

was a sue-er dweller.

581

Two old friends met on the deserted streets of their city.

“What brings you out?”

“I have to walk the dogs.”

“But where are the dogs?”

“My feet, stupid. I have to give my feet a walk.”

582

Suggestion —

do print-on-demand books on toilet-paper quality paper,

so they can be useful after reading,

and to promote sales of books to people who don’t read at all.

583

The farmer called out to his hogs —

“Sui! Sui! Sui generis!”

He explained,

“That’s pig Latin.”

584

When comedians go on hikes in the forest,

what do they always bring along?

Canned laughter.

585

What should you call a veterinarian

who specializes in canines?

Dog-tor.

586

What happened when the big wheels

got together for dinner?

They all spoke.

587

Did you hear about the guy

who had to take 100 meds a day?

He was the piller of the community.

588

What cheese is the most religious?

Swiss.

It’s the holiest.

589

A grammarian created a new kind of medical practice —

Acupunctuation.

590

What is the favorite weapon of a righteous lady?

A nunchuck.

591

The mare was annoyed that her mate was always horny.

Then she realized that he was a unicorn.

592

The agent refused to read his work because he didn’t use a computer.

Then the agent realized this was the famous pirate —

Long Hand Silver.

593

His life had continuity.

As a boy he made models.

Then later, as a playboy,

he made models again.

594

Good name for brand of children’s toilet paper —

Winnie the Pooh Pooh.

595

No Big Wheel is as important

as Wheel C.

596

“Heal! Heal!”

He heard through the door of his quarantined apartment.

“Wonderful!” he replied without daring to open the door.

“Are you a doctor or a faith healer?”

“Neither. I’m a dog owner.”

597

No one knew why the comedian died.

He wasn’t funny enough to die laughing.

So they exhumored his body.

He’s been fine ever since.

598

What do you call a donkey from Pompeii?

A pompous ass.

599

What did Ophelia prefer for breakfast?

Danish.

600

A woman always had a piece of silk in her mouth.

One day her friend asked,

“What is that?”

“No, it’s just a slip of the tongue.”

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other jokes, stories, poems and essays.

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Richard Seltzer
Morning Musings Magazine

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com