Grandad Jokes, Batch #41
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
576
Ill and weak
she went to a casino
so she could feel bettor.
577
The account’s theme song —
Deep in the Heart of Taxes.
578
What kind of sea creature
is good at making pies?
Crustacean.
579
Suggested invention —
hospital chip implant
that makes you think you are in a hospital
and being taken care of.
580
The lawyer
was a sue-er dweller.
581
Two old friends met on the deserted streets of their city.
“What brings you out?”
“I have to walk the dogs.”
“But where are the dogs?”
“My feet, stupid. I have to give my feet a walk.”
582
Suggestion —
do print-on-demand books on toilet-paper quality paper,
so they can be useful after reading,
and to promote sales of books to people who don’t read at all.
583
The farmer called out to his hogs —
“Sui! Sui! Sui generis!”
He explained,
“That’s pig Latin.”
584
When comedians go on hikes in the forest,
what do they always bring along?
Canned laughter.
585
What should you call a veterinarian
who specializes in canines?
Dog-tor.
586
What happened when the big wheels
got together for dinner?
They all spoke.
587
Did you hear about the guy
who had to take 100 meds a day?
He was the piller of the community.
588
What cheese is the most religious?
Swiss.
It’s the holiest.
589
A grammarian created a new kind of medical practice —
Acupunctuation.
590
What is the favorite weapon of a righteous lady?
A nunchuck.
591
The mare was annoyed that her mate was always horny.
Then she realized that he was a unicorn.
592
The agent refused to read his work because he didn’t use a computer.
Then the agent realized this was the famous pirate —
Long Hand Silver.
593
His life had continuity.
As a boy he made models.
Then later, as a playboy,
he made models again.
594
Good name for brand of children’s toilet paper —
Winnie the Pooh Pooh.
595
No Big Wheel is as important
as Wheel C.
596
“Heal! Heal!”
He heard through the door of his quarantined apartment.
“Wonderful!” he replied without daring to open the door.
“Are you a doctor or a faith healer?”
“Neither. I’m a dog owner.”
597
No one knew why the comedian died.
He wasn’t funny enough to die laughing.
So they exhumored his body.
He’s been fine ever since.
598
What do you call a donkey from Pompeii?
A pompous ass.
599
What did Ophelia prefer for breakfast?
Danish.
600
A woman always had a piece of silk in her mouth.
One day her friend asked,
“What is that?”
“No, it’s just a slip of the tongue.”
