Grandad Jokes, Batch #42
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
601
A cow wanted to go to her high school prom,
but she had nothing to wear.
All she had was the black and white skin she was born in and clothes cost too much.
Then she went to the pharmacy
and bought formal-de-hide.
602
When the stock market goes into free fall,
sell phones are banned from the trading floor.
603
The cat triggered the fire alarms with her purr fumes.
604
She had a purrs from Gucci. Instead of meow, she said menow.
605
What’s the best place to do needle work?
The sew-fa.
606
What should you call the son of a president?
First Laddie.
607
Why did the best digger in the ant colony become an author?
He wrote trench ant prose.
608
The axe murderer pleaded guilty and appealed for clemency.
“I didn’t know it was illegal to kill an axe.”
609
What is the most musical flower?
Jazzman.
610
Why did the naval officer refuse the offer of command of a submarine?
He didn’t want to become a subtitle.
611
As a toddler, she sorted and classified her dolls and blocks and pacifiers.
When she grew up, she became a file-osopher.
612
Why did the bar of Ivory sing while she floated in the bathtub?
She dreamed of becoming a soap opera star.
613
Nickname for jokester who tweets a lot —
Twit Wit.
614
Mao was disappointed when he learned he had a million followers.
He had hoped to have a million flowers.
615
Nickname for a cancer surgeon —
Lumper Jack.
616
Epitaph for vegetarian —
Rest in peas.
Epitaph for meatatarian —
Cowabonga and ground belief.
617
Easter is Easter,
and westerns are westerns,
and never Mark Twain shall meet.
618
What did Captain Picard say when he tore his uniform and the fix-it machine was broken?
Make it sew.
619
What’s the number one song on Twitter?
Tweet Georgia Brown.
620
She was a stickler for detail.
So for Easter she put little crosses as stirrers in tea cups.
She knew that in times of trouble, it’s important to cross all your teas.
621
What does shitty cereal sound like?
Snap, crackle, and poop.
622
Property law is about determining
what is yours
and what is arse.
623
A mobster named Tony specialized in fixing races.
He was very good at his job.
When he retired, he became a chef and restaurant owner. What well-known dish was named for him?
Rigger Tony.
624
What’s the sun’s favorite furniture?
Settee.
625
Why did the jewelry freak out?
It got an eary feeling.
