Grandad Jokes, Batch #42

Richard Seltzer
Morning Musings Magazine
2 min readFeb 13, 2022

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Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes

601

A cow wanted to go to her high school prom,

but she had nothing to wear.

All she had was the black and white skin she was born in and clothes cost too much.

Then she went to the pharmacy

and bought formal-de-hide.

602

When the stock market goes into free fall,

sell phones are banned from the trading floor.

603

The cat triggered the fire alarms with her purr fumes.

604

She had a purrs from Gucci. Instead of meow, she said menow.

605

What’s the best place to do needle work?

The sew-fa.

606

What should you call the son of a president?

First Laddie.

607

Why did the best digger in the ant colony become an author?

He wrote trench ant prose.

608

The axe murderer pleaded guilty and appealed for clemency.

“I didn’t know it was illegal to kill an axe.”

609

What is the most musical flower?

Jazzman.

610

Why did the naval officer refuse the offer of command of a submarine?

He didn’t want to become a subtitle.

611

As a toddler, she sorted and classified her dolls and blocks and pacifiers.

When she grew up, she became a file-osopher.

612

Why did the bar of Ivory sing while she floated in the bathtub?

She dreamed of becoming a soap opera star.

613

Nickname for jokester who tweets a lot —

Twit Wit.

614

Mao was disappointed when he learned he had a million followers.

He had hoped to have a million flowers.

615

Nickname for a cancer surgeon —

Lumper Jack.

616

Epitaph for vegetarian —

Rest in peas.

Epitaph for meatatarian —

Cowabonga and ground belief.

617

Easter is Easter,

and westerns are westerns,

and never Mark Twain shall meet.

618

What did Captain Picard say when he tore his uniform and the fix-it machine was broken?

Make it sew.

619

What’s the number one song on Twitter?

Tweet Georgia Brown.

620

She was a stickler for detail.

So for Easter she put little crosses as stirrers in tea cups.

She knew that in times of trouble, it’s important to cross all your teas.

621

What does shitty cereal sound like?

Snap, crackle, and poop.

622

Property law is about determining

what is yours

and what is arse.

623

A mobster named Tony specialized in fixing races.

He was very good at his job.

When he retired, he became a chef and restaurant owner. What well-known dish was named for him?

Rigger Tony.

624

What’s the sun’s favorite furniture?

Settee.

625

Why did the jewelry freak out?

It got an eary feeling.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other jokes, stories, poems and essays.

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Richard Seltzer
Morning Musings Magazine

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com