Grandad Jokes, Batch #43

Richard Seltzer
Morning Musings Magazine
2 min readFeb 26, 2022

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Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes

627

The newcomer to the cemetery

asked his neighbors,

“Don’t you get bored,

sequestered here for eternity?”

“It’s not that bad,” one of the ghosts replied,

“when you’re grave stoned.”

628

When the professional photographer modeled for herself

she paid herself a self fee.

629

When the impoverished gentleman

became a gardener,

he tilled the ground

with his old tally hoe.

630

The occupation of the

octogenarian octopus

was ink manufacturer.

631

When the kidnapper demanded ransom,

the man’s family demanded proof of life,

but he objected.

“I hate proofreading, and I’m terrible at it.”

632

Great singers experience a letdown

after their greatest performances.

Post opera-tive depression.

633

I love my nose.

Of all the noses in the world,

that’s the one I’d pick.

634

When Eliza from My Fair Lady

went to a fancy restaurant,

she was delighted that they had a ladies room.

She had never been treated like a lady before.

635

When Louis XVI’s baker went on trial,

the crowd roared,

“Off with his bread.”

636

Did you hear about the guy who loved food so much

that he became an astronaut?

He wanted to go to the Pleiades

to try a seven-star restaurant.

637

The numismatist

bought a ton of mint leaves

and wrapped his every coin in them

so they would be in mint condition.

638

New brand of disposable diapers

for night wear —

Pee Jays.

639

The cannibal became a world-class detective.

He was great at grilling suspects.

640

The comedian went to Scotland

in search of the legendary

Silly Ness Monster.

641

The Bostonian almost broke the sound barrier.

But he was of the mach.

642

She failed the office skills test

and didn’t get the job.

She wasn’t’ fast enough with spreadsheets.

She should have listened when her mom tried to

teach her how to make a bed.

She should have listened when her pyromaniac

boyfriend tried to teach her about accelerants.

643

The Bostonian reassured the lady,

“Don’t worry, ma’am.

I’ve got you covid.”

644

When stars aren’t famous enough to be known by name

do they get constellation prizes?

645

What is Satan’s favorite dish?

Fried sole.

646

The surgeon was always careful before an operation.

That was pre-cision.

647

What’s a good name for a turncoat saint?

Saintan.

648

New fast food chain

offering beer-soaked breakfast food —

Drunken Donuts.

649

“Sos! Sos!”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m making spaghetti,

and I need sos.”

650

When protozoa split,

they cell-a-bate.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other jokes, stories, poems and essays.

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Richard Seltzer
Morning Musings Magazine

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com