Grandad Jokes, Batch #43
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
627
The newcomer to the cemetery
asked his neighbors,
“Don’t you get bored,
sequestered here for eternity?”
“It’s not that bad,” one of the ghosts replied,
“when you’re grave stoned.”
628
When the professional photographer modeled for herself
she paid herself a self fee.
629
When the impoverished gentleman
became a gardener,
he tilled the ground
with his old tally hoe.
630
The occupation of the
octogenarian octopus
was ink manufacturer.
631
When the kidnapper demanded ransom,
the man’s family demanded proof of life,
but he objected.
“I hate proofreading, and I’m terrible at it.”
632
Great singers experience a letdown
after their greatest performances.
Post opera-tive depression.
633
I love my nose.
Of all the noses in the world,
that’s the one I’d pick.
634
When Eliza from My Fair Lady
went to a fancy restaurant,
she was delighted that they had a ladies room.
She had never been treated like a lady before.
635
When Louis XVI’s baker went on trial,
the crowd roared,
“Off with his bread.”
636
Did you hear about the guy who loved food so much
that he became an astronaut?
He wanted to go to the Pleiades
to try a seven-star restaurant.
637
The numismatist
bought a ton of mint leaves
and wrapped his every coin in them
so they would be in mint condition.
638
New brand of disposable diapers
for night wear —
Pee Jays.
639
The cannibal became a world-class detective.
He was great at grilling suspects.
640
The comedian went to Scotland
in search of the legendary
Silly Ness Monster.
641
The Bostonian almost broke the sound barrier.
But he was of the mach.
642
She failed the office skills test
and didn’t get the job.
She wasn’t’ fast enough with spreadsheets.
She should have listened when her mom tried to
teach her how to make a bed.
She should have listened when her pyromaniac
boyfriend tried to teach her about accelerants.
643
The Bostonian reassured the lady,
“Don’t worry, ma’am.
I’ve got you covid.”
644
When stars aren’t famous enough to be known by name
do they get constellation prizes?
645
What is Satan’s favorite dish?
Fried sole.
646
The surgeon was always careful before an operation.
That was pre-cision.
647
What’s a good name for a turncoat saint?
Saintan.
648
New fast food chain
offering beer-soaked breakfast food —
Drunken Donuts.
649
“Sos! Sos!”
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m making spaghetti,
and I need sos.”
650
When protozoa split,
they cell-a-bate.
