Grandad Jokes, Batch #44
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
652
Authors who break grammatical laws
must pay the syn tax.
653
How did the leopard get his spots?
He caught leopardsy.
654
When the author got older
she became
an age-nt.
655
Never serve under a general whose feet are hard of hearing.
Deaf feet is no fun.
656
Suggested ad for liquor store —
Celebrate the fourth with a fifth.
Suggested address —
Fifth Avenue.
657
The judge ruled that her coffee was so bad
that it was grounds for divorce.
658
A playwright’s co-author is
a playmate.
659
Is a Twitter profile written in milk —
a profile lactate?
Is it likely to prevent pregnancy?
660
The American tourist
had a great time with an escort in Venice.
He gave her a generous tip and said, “Grazie.”
She replied “Prego.”
And he said, “Try the morning-after pill.”
661
She fell in love with the gear.
Unfortunately, he was engaged.
662
She was impressed to hear that her Match date
was a broadcaster.
And he was muscular too.
Then he took her to the circus, his place of business,
and she realized what he meant —
throwing women
from one end of the big top to the other.
663
A 10K race is one in which
every participant has
at least 10K Twitter followers.
664
As the dowser said to the hole in the ground,
“Be well.”
665
The author who was a French nobleman
was nicknamed
the Word Count.
666
Slogan for a specialty gym/exercise business —
“Improve thigh self.”
667
What is the slogan of the wine drinkers’ branch of Alcoholics Anonymous?
Wine not.
668
Why wouldn’t the playboy date a violinist?
He wanted his relationships to be no strings attached.
669
Why did the would-be author join the army?
It’s the only profession where
you spend half your time writing —
left write, left write.
670
What’s a good name for a plumber who is an action hero?
Flush Gordon.
671
What should you call a sailing ship with an all-woman crew?
Gal-eon.
672
The young goat was negative
about everything everywhere
until she was arrested
for being a nay-kid in public.
673
Someone who takes both a dog and a cat
to the veterinarian
is a repet customer.
674
Why did the fish go to medical school?
To become a sturgeon.
675
When a town in Turkey had an avalanche,
it destroyed every building but the mosque —
because a rolling stone gathers no mosque.
