The Lizard of Oz: Chapter Eight
Mack the Knife
Miss Osborne was sure that she could get back to school by doing everything in reverse. So she backed up and once again fell into a pothole, and the VW started flying up, like it was on an elevator. Miss Osborne was sure that meant they were heading back to Winthrop. She was proud that she had learned so much about the world that she didn’t have to ask Mr. Shermin which way to go.
“Yes,” Miss Osborne thought, “Miss Shelby is right — travel is very educational.”
“Donny,” shouted Miss Shelby, “how many times do I have to tell you? Don’t lean out the window. Gaynell, don’t…”
Just then Gaynell tumbled onto Miss Osborne, the wheel turned, the car lurched, and suddenly they were lost in another land.
It was dark and smoggy. There was water on the ground, and the air smelled like garbage.
“This place is spooky,” whispered Gaynell.
“I want to go home,” murmured Peter.
Donny was the first to step outside the car.
“Gosh,” he said, “this must be the Underworld — just like in that book, The Oddest Sea.”
A deep voice boomed from the nearby shadows, “What’s going on here?”
“Nothing, sir, really,” answered Miss Osborne. “We’re just trying to get home to Winthrop.”
“Well, what are you doing in my sewer?” the huge shadowy figure took several steps closer, splashing in the puddles.
“This is the Underworld, isn’t it?” asked Donny. “Are you Achilles the Heel?”
“No, I never heard of the guy. I’m Mack the Knife — Big Mack to you, kid.”
“He sure is big,” whispered Kathy.
Gaynell added, “Even bigger than that bacon in the Library,”
“Pipe down over there!” Mack yelled at the girls. “Now you,” he said, glaring at Donny. “What’s this you know about the Underworld?”
“Well, there’s a ferryboat and a three-headed dog and a courtroom where they give out goodies.”
“Courtroom?” asked Mack.
“Yes, the good guys get the goodies, and the bad guys get spanked and…”
“What are you driving at, kid?”
“Well, that’s the way it is in the Underworld,” Donny insisted bravely.
“And how do you get to this Underworld you’re talking about?”
“Most people get there by dying, I think.”
“Well, you get to this Underworld by trying to stay alive. And that’s not easy, kid, believe me.”
“Gosh,” admitted Donny, “then this can’t be the real Underworld.”
“It’s real, all right. This knife here isn’t make-believe, kid. And these scars aren’t, either. I’ve seen plenty of dead people around here. But I don’t mess around with three-headed dogs. And I’ve never heard of anybody named ‘Achilles the Heel.’ Are you in some gang, kid? Did somebody tell you to tell me that? Are you talking in some kind of code, kid?”
As Mack glared at Donny, Mr. New Man stepped between them. “Look, Mr. Mack, don’t pick on the kid.”
“And who do you think you are, buster?”
“Well, man, that’s a tough question. They call me Mr. New Man. But I’m not sure who that is, I mean, who I am.”
“What the...”
Miss Shelby, stepped up and added nervously, “Oh, pardon Mr. New Man. He means no harm. And Donny too. But we really do need your help, sir.”
“Yes,” said Miss Osborne, joining them, “you see, Mr. Mack, we’re a class on our way home from a field trip to Oz and to Ome, and we’ve lost our way. We’d greatly appreciate it if you could show us the way back to Winthrop.”
“Lost? Have things gotten so bad up there you can’t tell the difference between the sewer and the street? And who are these other guys?”
“Gosh, it’s the Redcoats!” exclaimed Donny.
Indeed, the Redcoats were splashing steadily toward them out of the gloom.
“The what?” asked Mack.
“The Redcoats,” explained Miss Osborne. “We met them before. They’ve been lost for two hundred years. Now, I guess, we’re just as lost as they are.”
The Sergeant stepped up to Mr. Mack. “Pardon me, sir, but could ye tell me ’ow to get ’ome from ’ere?”
“Okay, buddy, okay. This is getting ridiculous. You’ve got no business down here. Just because your world’s falling apart doesn’t give you the right to barge in on mine. It may be a filthy sewer; but I’m not about to share it with anybody. Turf’s turf, and this is my turf. Go look for your home or your Ome some other place.”
“But, Mr. Mack,” pleaded Miss Osborne, “how can we get out of here?”
“Just follow me. And no snooping along the way.”
So Mack the Knife led the class and the Redcoats through the slushy, murky mess that was the Underworld, and left them when they came to a town that looked like Winthrop: the same kinds of hamburger stands and gas stations and ice cream shops.
Now, Miss Osborne once again couldn’t hear Mr. Shermin, and Mr. Shermin was sure that she was disenchanted. So Mr. Shermin flipped his magic coin and told Eugene which way to go, and Eugene told Miss Osborne. She thought it was silly to try to find your way by flipping a coin, but she followed the directions anyway, because she was sure they’d soon come across a street she knew — everything looked so familiar. So off they went through the unmarked streets, with the Redcoats running hopefully behind.
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Links to other chapters and the story of how this story was written.
