The Lizard of Oz: Chapter Thirteen
The Lowest Court
The next morning, they were awakened by a loud voice, “Hear ye! Hear ye! Order in the court!”
A tall man in a black suit marched by, pounding on the ground with a staff and repeating those commands.
“Gosh,” said Donny, “the judges are coming.”
Mark asked, “Who’s that doing the talking?”
“That must be the Quirk,” said Donny.
“The what?”
“The Quirk of the Court. Courts have lots of quirks, to keep records and make announcements.”
Miss Shelby correct him, “Don’t be silly, Donny. You mudy mean clerk, not quirk. A quirk is a silly mistake.”
“Hear ye! Hear ye!” announced the Quirk. “The lowest court is in session. Plus, Equals and Minus presiding.”
Three men followed him. They were all bald, with gray curly beards, and they were all wearing black robes, each with a white symbol on the front — plus, equals and minus.
“Mr. Minus!” called Donny. “Mr. Minus!”
“Quiet in the court!” ordered the Quirk.
“That’s all right, Quirk,” said Mr. Minus. “Let the children come forward. And the grownups, too.”
“Is this where the good guys get goodies, and the bad guys get punished?” asked Donny.
“Not exactly, son. But we do try to right the wrongs of the world.”
“I’m sure this is all very educational, sir,” said Miss Osborne. “But we’re lost and we’re trying to find our way home.”
“And how far is this home of yours from here?”
Miss Shelby explained, “We were on a field trip and took a wrong turn and fell down a pothole, then fell up another pothole. We’re been in Potheadland, and Eggheadland, and the Library, and the Underworld. We met a witch flying on a broomstick with a bucket for a seat, and Humpty Dumpty and the little blue wallflower he fell for, and a prince who turned into a frog We met Francis Bacon and Sir Real and Mr. Marx. We crossed a big river on a raft, and met famous authors who have been dead a long time. Then we were locked in a mushroom and fell into the river. We’ve only been gone for a day, but we’ve learned a lot.”
“Let’s start at the beginning,” the judge pursued. “Why did you start this trip in the first place?”
Miss Shelby explained, “We’re trying to get to Oz and to Ome to find the Lizard of Oz and save the world from disenchantment.”
“Yes, indeed, you are trying. I might have thought as much. That’s how people get here, by trying.”
Eugene said, “Sometimes Miss Shelby says we kids are trying.”
“Yes, indeed. I’m sure you all have helped. Not many cases reach this the lowest court of all.”
“Please! Please!” Miss Osborne interrupted. “Doesn’t anyone here speak plain English? I just want to go home.”
“And we just want to get ‘ome,” added the Redcoat Sergeant.
Miss Shelby disagreed, “No, Miss Osborne, there’s no stopping now. We can’t turn back, not after coming this far. I don’t know where we are. But from what we’ve learned so far, the world is far more complicated and interesting than I ever imagined. And I sense that it’s important that we get to Oz and to Ome, like Mr. Shermin said.”
“That’s the spirit, young lady,” added Judge Minus. “Keep trying.”
“But we keep making mistakes,” objected Miss Osborne.
“Trial and error,” answered Judge Minus. “That’s how we learn.”
“Now don’t tell me there’s someone named Mr. Error who is going to march in,” moaned Miss Osborne.
“Yes, I can just imagine,” suggested Miss Shelby, with a laugh. “Error Flynn will come swinging by on a rope with a sword in his hand. That’s the way things happen here, isn’t it? I just love these crazy lands.”
“No, ladies,” Mr. Minus corrected them. “There is no Mr. Error. And this is not a place of punishment. We’re teachers, like you. Trial and error is a way of learning.
Miss Shelby added, “We all learn from our mistakes.”
Mr. Minus corrected her, “More or less. That’s true for most of us. For us, every mistake is a lesson. But there are people who keep making the same mistake over and over. Here comes one now — Mr. Sisyphus. He works eight hours a day, pushing that rock up a hill. Then at five o’clock, he let’s go and heads home, and the rock rolls back down.”
Mr. Sisyphus was tall, with arm muscles bulging from a short-sleeve tee-shirt. In contrast, his bare and battered feet were small and dainty.
“Poor Mr. Sisyphus,” said Miss Shelby.
“I’d hardly call him poor, miss,” noted Mr. Minus. “He gets a fair wage for what he does.”
“It’s not that bad,” admitted Mr. Sisyphus. “I did the same sort of thing for a living up topside, before I croaked. Only I didn’t get paid as much for it, and the work was harder. This job’s simple. All I’ve got to do is roll the rock. No deadlines. No pressure. There are plenty of guys who’d love to have this job. Sure, I work up a sweat, but it’s good exercise, and there are no chemicals to poison me. This is a lot better than working topside in the plant.”
“Plant?” asked Gaynell. “Did you work in the mushroom?”
“No, but that sounds neat — a real living plant? I should check that out.”
“Hey!” said Cindy. “There’s a big flat-screen TV over here.”
Everyone went running toward the television.
“Yes,” explained Judge Minus, “Mrs. Tantalus spends her whole day watching television.”
Mrs. Tantalus was a middle-aged lady with hair in curlers.
“Are the shows that good?” asked Cindy, open-eyed.
“No,” admitted Mrs. Tantalus. “It’s not the shows I like to watch. It’s the commercials. The things they have to sell are so tempting, but I can’t afford them. So I just sit here imagining what I’d buy if I had the money.”
“That sounds awful,” said Miss Shelby. “How could the judges be so cruel as to make you do that?”
“Make me? You’ve got to be kidding, dearie. My husband bought this set for me, my dear departed husband.”
“Husband?”
“Yes. Oh! Watch your step there, children,” warned Mrs. Tantalus. “There’s a big hole there. Don’t fall in or you won’t be able to get out. That’s my husband down there. He fell in getting me this big flat-screen TV. Wasn’t that sweet of him?” She threw him a kiss.
“That’s terrible,” said Miss Shelby, staring down into the darkness.
“Gosh, that’s deeper than the pothole,” said Donny.
“You think that’s bad?” asked Mrs. Tantalus. “You should have seen the hole we were in back home.”
“But it seems such a waste,” insisted Miss Shelby. “Why spend your life, I mean, your death like this? Why do this, when right over there are beautiful fields of flowers?”
“What’s that music?” asked Linda C..
“Just birds singing,” said Miss Shelby.
“Those are no ordinary birds,” said Judge Minus. “That’s the Hymn to Joy they’re singing. Those are the Easy One Fields.”
“Hey!” said Donny. “There’s Achilles the Heel.”
“You mean the guy with the spear?” asked Kathy. “The one walking hand-in-hand with the beautiful lady?”
“Yes, indeed,” said the Judge, “that’s Achilles the Heel and Helen Troy.”
“When will they stop that infernal music?” asked Achilles.
“Oh, don’t be silly, love,” said Miss Troy. “The music is simply divine.” She pushed back her long blond hair with a dramatic stroke. She looked like she was performing in a shampoo commercial.
“Well, this is somebody else’s idea of paradise, not mine,” complained Achilles. “How are things in the world?” he asked the newcomers.
“Wars and wars and more wars,” answered Mr. New Man, remembering what he had heard in the Library.
“Sounds wonderful,” said Achilles. “Tell me all about it.”
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Links to other chapters and the story of how this story was written.
