The Lizard of Oz: Chapter Twelve
The Weatherman
Mr. New Man was staring at Mr. Carroll. “Miss Shelby,” he asked, “who is this hotshot guy with the girl’s name who goes around in underwear? What did he write?”
“That’s Lewis Carroll?” she answered. “He wrote Alice in Wonderland and other children’s books.”
“Kids’ books? Just kids’ books? No point in filling my head with that stuff.”
“Well, it’s said that they can be understood on many levels.”
“You mean like going up and down on an elevator?”
“Yes, you might say that,” answered Miss Shelby.
“Well, that’s cool. Where’s the buttons? I want to try that trip.”
Meanwhile, Gaynell asked, “Mr. Carroll, do you really understand everything?”
“No, of course not. I only stand under the world. There are others, much lower, who stand under me. Yes, there are many levels of understanding.”
Miss Osborne shook her head. “We may be standing under the world right now,” she said, “but I don’t understand any more than I did before. Nothing seems to make sense. I’m lost, and I’ve gotten the whole class lost with me.”
“Nothing lost, nothing grained,” he answered.
“Grained?” asked Miss Osborne.
“Yes, surely you want to be born a grain. Otherwise you wouldn’t have fallen into the earth.”
“I’m sorry, Mr.Carroll, but I don’t understand any of this. Could you please tell us how to go home from here?”
Then the redcoat sergeant stepped forward and asked, “Could you please tell us ‘ow to get ‘ome from ‘ere?”
“Well,” answered Mr.Carroll, “I don’t know how to get to either place myself. But, if you like, I can take you down to the next underworld, and maybe somebody there can help you.”
“Oh, thank you so much,” said Miss Osborne, greatly relieved that someone would help.
“Not so fast,” added Mr.Carroll. “Before I can take you anywhere, we’ll have to check the weather report.”
“Weather report?” she asked.
“Yes, whether or not you can go any further.”
“But, Mr.Carroll, surely you must be kidding? We’re in a terrible hurry, and why on earth should we need a weather report?”
“You forget, Miss Osborne, we’re not on earth. We’re under it.”
Then they heard a sneeze and another sneeze and a loud hoarse cough.
Donny said, “Gosh, that was some cough, mister. Can you do that again?”
The coughing man was wearing a white jacket and carrying a brown doctor’s bag. He had a stethoscope hanging round his neck. He coughed again and again and shook all over.
Donny apologized, “I’m sorry, mister. I shouldn’t have asked you to cough again. But that was amazing. I’ve never heard anything like it. You must be awfully sick.”
“Yes,” replied the man, “I’m sick of the world.”
“I hope it isn’t serious,” said Miss Osborne.
“That depends on how you take the world. As for me, I can’t take it seriously.”
“This is the Weatherman,” Mr.Carroll introduced him.
“The Weatherman?” asked Miss Osborne.
“He’s under the weather right now,” explained Mr.Carroll. “That’s the best way to understand it.”
The man hobbled up to Miss Osborne, still coughing and shaking. She tried to get out of his way. “Please don’t get close,” she insisted. “I don’t want to catch those germs and pass them on to the children.” Then she asked Mr. Carroll, “What’s he trying to do?”
“Relax,” said Mr.Carroll. “He wants to take your weather report.”
So Miss Osborne stood still, and the Weatherman opened up his doctor’s bag and started checking her temperature and taking measurements in the air around her.
“Hmmm,” mumbled the Weatherman. “Cloudy and heavily overcast, with a thick ground-level fog. Visibility near zero. Temperature near freezing. Air pollution index critical.”
“It’s like I suspected,” explained Mr.Carroll. “Nothing personal, Miss Osborne. The air where you come from is polluted. You’re so used to it, you don’t notice it. But it sticks to you. It’s a deadening atmosphere. Disenchanting. You all have it, and you’ll have to wash it off before you can go any further. Come this way, to that big room over there.”
Mr. Carroll led them down the beach to the building he pointed to.
“Come along now, Mr. New Man,” urged Miss Shelby.
“Where’s this Carroll guy taking us?” asked Mr. New Man. “That doesn’t look like an elevator to me. Looks more like a lighthouse with a dunce cap on top. What a blast! What a wayout way out!”
“I can’t say I’m all that happy about walking into something that looks as weird as that,” admitted Miss Shelby. “But we don’t have much choice, and it could prove educational.”
Once everyone was inside the big room, Mr.Carroll stepped out and shut the door on them.
“Mr.Carroll! Mr.Carroll!” shouted Miss Osborne. “What are you doing? Open that door at once! How dare you!”
“It’s dark in here,” whined Timmy.
“There aren’t any windows,” said Eugene.
“I want to go home,” said Kathy.
“He must be some kind of kook,” said Mr. New Man.
“He wouldn’t lock us in here for no reason,” said Miss Shelby. “There must be an explanation.”
“Miss Shelby, maybe it’s like in his book,” suggested Gaynell. “I bet there’s a mushroom somewhere, and we’re supposed to eat it, and that will make us small so we can go out a little hole that we can’t even see now because we’re so big.”
“No, Gaynell,” said Miss Osborne. “I’m afraid I made a terrible mistake. I should never have trusted him.”
“Mr. New Man, what are you doing?” asked Miss Shelby.
“I’m trying to kick the wall in, but it’s just a pile of mush.”
“Yeah, gosh,” said Donny. “Feel this wall. It’s all mushy.”
“Maybe we’re in a mushroom,” suggested Gaynell, “a huge mushroom. Here, Miss Osborne, try a piece of the wall. It tastes just like mushroom.”
All the kids grabbed pieces of the wall and started eating.
“What!” boomed a deep hollow voice from all around them.
There was a whistling noise as air was sucked out of the room.
Soon everybody was struggling to breathe, as if they’d been running hard.
Then there was no air at all, and they were all breathless, waiting for something awful to happen.
Suddenly, the door flew open, and everybody rushed out and fell into the river.
The water felt better than any water had ever felt before: bright and sparkly, crisp and clean. Soon they were swimming and splashing and playing games.
At first, Miss Osborne was afraid that the kids would be in over their heads. But it was a funny river: no matter where they stood, the water level wasn’t over their depth — just deep enough to have fun in. Bit by bit they got all played out and came ashore to lie on the beach or build sand castles or pick up shells.
Miss Osborne lay there on the beach and looked out at the moon reflected on the water and at the woods beyond. She said, “Beautiful. It’s just beautiful.”
“Yes,” Mr.Carroll added, “It’s breathtaking.”
Miss Osborne felt good all over, lying there on the beach beside Mr. Carroll.
Kathy and Gaynell would have giggled and whispered to one another, but they and the rest of the kids were sound asleep.
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Links to other chapters and the story of how this story was written.
