The Lizard of Oz: Chapter Twenty
Redland
“Gosh,” said Donny, “there are the Redcoats.”
“Yes,” said Mr. Marx, “this is Redheadquarters. Miss Osborne, park by that building with the big sign over the door — Better a readhead than a deadhead.”
Across the street were billboards saying Long live King George, Hail Britannia, and Our country right or wrong.
“Gosh,” said Donny, “there’s a xylophone.”
“No,” Mr.Marx explained, “that’s an exile-ophone. We exiles use it to send each other notes.”
“I was hoping we’d find our old friends the Redcoats here.” said Miss Osborne. “But I don’t recognize any of these redcoats. Then again, maybe I’m wrong. In those uniforms, they all look so much alike.”
Mark asked one of the redcoats, “Why do you all dress the same?”
“It’s just-is,” he answered.
“Justice?”
“No, just-is. It just is that way. It’s part of the Uniform Code of Military Just-Is.”
“What sort of code is that?”
“That’s hard to say. To find out what the code means, I’d have to break it. But they have nasty punishments for people who break the Code of Just-Is. All I know is the general drift of it — that to be right you have to do everything the same as everybody else does, and that it’s important to be right about clothes because clothes make the man.”
“Pardon me, sir,” asked Miss Osborne. “Do you know a sergeant who has been lost for two hundred years?”
“You mean you know the turncoat?”
“Turncoat? What did he do?”
“He turned in his coat yesterday. He said he had had enough of marching, and he was going ‘ome.”
“I can’t say that I blame him,” said Miss Osborne. “How do any of you expect to change the world this way?”
“We have to fight fire with fire, miss. They have a modern army; so we have one. We’ll beat them at their own game. Our approach is very efficient.”
“Gosh,” said Donny, “what’s that?”
Mr. New Man said, “What a pile of bull.”
“Mr. New Man!” warned Miss Shelby. “Watch your language!”
An Indian appeared out of nowhere and answered, “Whiteman has keen eye. Here comes bull man. Big Chief Sitting Bull. I am Crazy Horse.”
“Crazy, man, crazy,” said Mr. New Man.
“No, not Crazy Man, Crazy Horse. Maybe you help redman get back his lands?”
“Glad to help, chief,” said Mr. New Man. “But what can I do?”
Crazy Horse said, “We use Indian headband. Headband sign of Indian good will. Good will prevail.”
Just then, Sitting Bull raised his hand, and a band started playing Joshua at the Battle of Jericho … and the walls came tumbling down.
“Music mighty strong medicine,” said Crazy Horse.
“Man, that blows my mind,” said Mr. New Man. “Where’s that far-out sound coming from?”
“From that little big horn,” explained Crazy Horse. “Many a redman died that we hear that sound. Someday soon, it bring us back our land.”
“Man, this is where it’s at.” Mr. New Man put on beads and painted his face.
“Why, Mr. New Man, what are you doing?” asked Miss Shelby. “You look like a savage.”
Mr. New Man shook hands with the members of the headband. “Hey, man,” he said, “lend me that horn a minute, will you?”
They handed him the little big horn, and he started playing Cherokee Nation.
“Whiteman play well,” said Crazy Horse. “Make good Sioux.”
Mark asked, “Why does an Indian tribe have a girl’s name?”
“Sue very fine squaw,” answered Crazy Horse. “Strong back. Carry heavy load. Sue best of squaw. Squaw backbone of Indian nation.”
“You mean that women carry your loads for you?” declared Miss Shelby. “Why that’s outrageous! Just let me talk to this Sue. She needs to be educated in the ways of the modern world.”
“Squaw not complain,” said Crazy Horse. “We give ’em plenty good backrub. You like ’em backrub, too?”
Miss Osborne said, “No, thank you, chief. We don’t have time for that. Like you, we want to change the world, to make it a better place to live in; but we’ve heard that to do that we have to take back fire to the world, a special kind of fire. We were hoping that you might help.”
“Redman glad to help. Here’s plenty firewater, plenty whiteman’s firewater — poor in spirit. Take what you need.”
“No,” explained Miss Osborne, “the fire I’m talking about doesn’t mix well with water. We’re supposed to get it from a fire-breathing dragon.”
“That very hot air. Hard to swallow. You wait. We see. Maybe dragon cool off.”
Miss Osborne asked Mr. Marx, “Do you think anyone here might help us take back fire to the world?”
“Fire?” asked Mr. Marx. “Yes, we all know that we have to bring fire to the world. But we’re far from agreeing on what we mean by that. Everybody’s got his own idea of how the world should be. Some young hotheads think ordinary match fire will do. But if we use that, there won’t be much of a world left when we’re done. Somewhere there has to be another kind of fire.”
“Dragon fire,” suggested Miss Osborne.
“Dragon fire?” repeated Mr.Marx.
“Yes, we have to cross the Moors and get to the Mouth of the Nile and get to Ome and find the Lizard.”
“Do you really mean that?” he asked. “When you mentioned dragons before, I thought that was a metaphor, that you were looking for the same thing I am. Dragon fire?” he laughed. “No, the answer to the world’s problems isn’t to be found in fairy tales.”
“Well, we have to get to Ome,” Miss Osborne insisted. “I don’t know how we’ll find our way, but we simply must.”
Crazy Horse said, “Redman make good guide. Me famous track star. Can track anything.”
“Do you know the wasteland called the Moors?”
“Know wasteland and unwastedland. Know good lands and bad lands.”
Since Miss Osborne still looked depressed, Crazy Horse added, “Sad face no good. Need lift? Redman raise spirits, give ’em plenty good lift.”
“Gosh, it’s a giant,” said Donny.
“How,” said Mark.
“How indeed… “ said Miss Osborne, in awe of an eight-foot-tall Indian woman.
“My name is Sue,” she said. “How do you do?” Sue lifted the little green VW and started walking off with it.
“Put that car down this instant,” ordered Miss Shelby. “You have equal rights, young lady. There’s no reason why you should do all the lifting and carrying, even if you are… rather large.”
So Sue put down the VW and sat on the roof. Then everyone got back in the car and they drove into the wilderness, with Crazy Horse and Mr. New Man running ahead, side-by-side.
The entire book is here at Medium, one chapter per posting. It is also available as paperback and ebook at Amazon.
Links to other chapters and the story of how this story was written.
